Tea Time with Titans

 

In his exo-suit, Dave resembled a turtle more than a soldier, retreating into his shell at the first sign of danger. We arrived at the Titan with Dave proudly announcing he'd saved one last bullet… for himself.

Myles' strategy seemed to involve spraying bullets like confetti, hoping something would hit. With 430 shots fired and only 143 hits, it's a miracle he didn't need to reload more often. His single death probably happened while he was reloading!

ShadowMage was the team’s sharpshooter, making every bullet count. With a 62.1% accuracy rate, it's no wonder they racked up 63 kills without dying once. ShadowMage probably spent more time admiring their accuracy stats than actually shooting!

Zaph's approach was more "spray and pray" but without much spraying. Firing only 19 shots and hitting just 3, it seems Zaph might have been more focused on finding hiding spots than shooting enemies. Those 3 deaths? Probably from tripping over their own feet while running away!

Craig’s accuracy was almost too good, hitting nearly 65% of his shots. With zero deaths and a cool demeanor, Craig probably spent the mission calmly sipping tea while casually dispatching enemies. The one time he reinforced? Likely just to remind everyone he was still around and dominating.

In the perilous world of Hell Divers, the last thing you want is a close encounter with a Titan. In the first snapshot, we witness the valiant Zaph and Myles going toe-to-toe with this behemoth, showcasing the kind of bravery that probably should come with a warning label. Meanwhile, in the second snapshot, we catch a glimpse of Dave in his so-called “super armor” doing what he does best – staying out of harm's way. 

Dave’s exo-suit, affectionately nicknamed the "Coward’s Cocoon," seems less designed for battle and more for enjoying a quiet afternoon tea. While Zaph and Myles are in the thick of it, trading blows with the Titan, Dave's contribution involves a delicate sip from his porcelain cup, pinky finger raised. It's a tactical approach, really – why risk it all when you can let the armor do the talking and save the heroics for someone else? 

In Hell Divers, every team has its strategy. Ours just happens to include tea breaks.

In Hell Divers, firestorms are the stuff of nightmares. As we huddle together, waiting for evac, these fire tornadoes inch closer, bringing with them a promise of instant, crispy death. You'd think we'd get hazard pay for this, but no, we're here sweating bullets instead. Every second feels like an eternity as the flames spiral in our direction, turning the landscape into an inferno.
Just as Dave starts to nervously sip his tea in his super armor, Myles suggests we play rock-paper-scissors to pass the time. Spoiler: Dave loses and has to distract the tornado. The rest of us? We’re hoping our evac shuttle has air conditioning.

For this mission, we had the dynamic duo of Dave and Craig tackling the primary objectives, laying waste to the secondary target, and generally causing chaos wherever they went. Dave, of course, was in his super armor, probably stopping for tea breaks between explosions. Craig, with his sniper accuracy, picked off enemies like they were practice targets at a carnival.

Meanwhile, Myles and Zaph were off on their own adventure, mostly involving running around like headless chickens. They managed to find the oubliette, losing their gear along the way (with around 4min of cool down, not time for gear). It went downhill fast from there. The photo above captures the moment perfectly: Myles and Zaph dead at the bottom of an oubliette, with "Killed by environment" glaring in big red text above them. It's a classic tale of Hell Divers' incompetence and accidental brilliance.