An After-Action Report, as recounted by Myles, but tragically written by Dave
It has been weeks—actual geological epochs—since our last campaign session. People were away for reasons ranging from legitimate responsibilities (Myles) to Craig-based entropy events (Craig). In that time we survived Survivor Mode, where today’s Riftbreaker is tomorrow’s bug shit, and where the only thing that progresses faster than the waves of enemies is Dave’s ability to select research options nobody asked for.
So when the full squad assembled Friday night, hope bloomed. Hope that we could return to the campaign. Hope that Dave had researched something useful. Hope that Craig had finally worked out how his mech suit zipper worked. (He had not. We estimate Q3 2026.)
The Tech Tree Tribunal
Before diving into the campaign, we paused for a scholarly review of Dave’s research decisions—“scholarly” meaning everyone yelling at Dave about his choices while Dave defended himself like a cornered raccoon clutching a glowing research node.
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Myles: “Where are the gear crafting options? Dave… these are wrong.”
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Zaph: “Can we build Radar Towers?”
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Dave: “No.”
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Zaph: “Why not?”
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Dave: “Research.”
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Craig: still wrestling with zipper.
Dave concluded the session with: “You get whatever I give you.”
This is, apparently, his leadership style.
Back to the Campaign (aka: The Cotton-Ball Difficulty Setting)
After weeks of Survivor Mode pain, the campaign felt like being slapped with a soft taco.
We discussed making new defensive towers but—gasp—those require research.
So instead we:
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Built factories for ammunition for towers we don’t have.
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Upgraded our bases, which of course triggered attacks.
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Fought off hungry hordes.
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Muttered quietly about research.
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Reprimanded Craig for building outposts entirely from the architectural school of “just vibes.”
Zaph compensated for the lack of radar by personally scanning THE ENTIRE MAP with his handheld device like a grumpy Roomba with trust issues.
Craig died more than in Survivor Mode, setting a personal best we assume he will continue to exceed weekly.
Myles and Dave patched Craig’s “creative” outposts, which looked like someone had tried to assemble IKEA furniture using only interpretive dance.
The Great Mineral Pilgrimage
Realising we were missing key minerals—specifically uranium, which is notoriously difficult to find when you don’t know how to identify it—we embarked on some world side missions:
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Acid land (what a trip)
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Volcano land
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The swamp, where our base:
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fell over
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caught fire
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burned down
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and then sank into said swamp
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Along the way we heroically researched:
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How to identify uranium
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SPSF 50+
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Floors (Craig was thrilled)
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Acid tornados (what a trip)
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New towers
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And glorious progress toward Drone towers
We even unlocked radar and plastered the map with towers for an achievement.
Take that, fog of war.
The Green Beam of Questionable Wisdom
We unlocked a giant green scanner beam, great for missions requiring scanning things before blowing them up.
This took approximately twice as long as necessary because:
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Craig doesn’t listen.
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Dave keeps activating the Red Pillar of Doom (summoning every critter on the continent)
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Neither builds defences before doing so.
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Neither listens.
Eventually we built extra labs, research stations, and Dave began frantically queuing research like a caffeinated librarian threatened at nerfpoint by Myles repeating every 15 minutes:
“Nothing is researching.”
“Still nothing is researching.”
“Dave, are you seeing this queue?”
“Dave.”
“Dave.”
Dave finally lined up two hours of research just to keep Myles quiet.
Achievement Summary
Group Achievements:
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Swiss bank account – Enough storage for 50,000 Carbonium
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Inspector gadget – Filled all mech slots
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Book worm – Read 75% of encyclopedia entries
Myles (5 achievements):
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Horrible person (it’s true)
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All seeing eye (75% radar coverage)
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Tornado season (shredded 250 things with tornados)
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…and two others quietly radiating superiority
Craig (4 achievements):
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Leaving empty handed – Mr Riggs dies and drops his last weapon
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And three others that probably involved death
Zaph (6 achievements):
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All of the above
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Plus whatever stealth-ninja nonsense he does while silently judging us
Closing Thoughts
We survived.
We progressed the campaign.
We discovered uranium.
We scanned things before obliterating them (mostly).
And Dave, after being lovingly bullied into doing actual research, redeemed himself by turning the tech tree into a conveyor belt of productivity.
Next week:
Will Craig master zippers?
Will Zaph finally get radar without begging?
Will Myles stop haunting Dave about research?
Will Dave research something useful on purpose?
Stay tuned. War is coming. And so is more research.
