Drop, Die, Repeat: The Helldivers’ Guide to Galactic Conquest

A helldiving we will go, a helldiving we will go, hey ho the merry O a helldiving we will go.  As the war rages and the forces of Super Earth fight for democracy, the bug advance has been squashed and now there is just one planet of robots standing between us, 50 medals and shopping!!!    We dropped onto the night side of the planet, stomped around in the dark (which sucks), called in orbital strikes, air strikes, and scattered anti-personnel mines like candy across the landscape.  Found the downed pod, started the upload, died, reinforced, died, help we are being overrun.  The tips are right, if you are unsure what to do run forward with a cry to democracy and take the fight to your foes.  Of course they left out the dying bit.    They definitely need a new tip that says "When you see the scary laser cannon, run away, don't look back, keep running until you are behind a large rock (or Craig)", after dying repeatedly with the cannon unfazed by orbital bombardment, cluster bombs, airstrikes we decided we needed bigger bombs, so we should just ignore that and actually go do the mission.

For a follow up mission we went with kill them all, which sees you drop into a small area to kill as many of the enemy as you can.   This mission is stupidly easy against the bugs, and stupidly hard against the robots.  We died before we could deploy our gear, died as soon as we stepped off the reinforcement pod, died over and over again. Did I mention we died a lot.  Myles always the overachiever died 8 times.   But we prevailed, in the dark, mud and blood.   As you come back from your mission, bloodied and battered you have to wonder where all the blood on your armor comes from (as robots don't bleed).    As Myles and Craig were still not level 8 (where the good shopping starts) we decided it was time to Nuke them from orbit (its the only way to be sure).   They didn't mention in basic training that nuking from orbit requires dropping onto the planet to recover the launch codes, find the nuclear warhead, punch in the codes, raise the rocket (what there are override locks to deactivate), select a target, fuel the damn rocket, and then fire the rocket and run for cover (all whilst the robots who have an aversion to being nuked send wave after wave at you).  At last the missile reached orbit, dropped and in very satisfactory fashion blew the buggers to hell and back whilst we ran for the dust-off.

That was so much fun we decided to do a double nuke mission.   This time in the daylight.   We found a SAM site and brought it online, just the thing for blowing those robot drop ships away.  Take that you A.I f$%k3rs!!      After the first mission was a success Craig bailed, so it was just Myles and Dave pushing on, through blood and fire (literally fire, firestorms suck, also not mentioned in basic training), repeated deaths to try and find some pumps to clean and turn on. Suckiest, suck-fest of a mission ever (on par with the laser cannon of death). Do not walk in the fire, even a little - you will die faster than any bug attack

There is a bit of blow back - Stand clear please, stand clear!

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream—Unless You're Craig Turning Up the Difficulty!

Tonight we jumped into the future and joined the Helldivers, as disposable citizens of Supreme Earth, we travelled to the frontlines of interstellar war on a mission to liberate planets from the bugs and automatons.   And yes there is friendly fire in the game, and no it isn't friendly Craig.   And when we say don't buy or use the Anti-personnel mines we freaking mean it!!!!

We learn't many lessons that were not covered in basic training:

Orbital strikes add new meaning to the term Danger Close! 

If you hold onto Grenades too long they will detonate in your hand. 

Don't run in front of your squad-mates green laser pointer that shows where they are shooting

There is no such thing as overkill, only I am out of grenades

When the drop ship says it is leaving in 20 seconds, it means it.   And 4 people can't all get on at the same time

It takes two baby - to open those hidden secure caches

Do NOT walk in front of the auto turret

You can never bring too much ammunition

DONT LISTEN TO CRAIG - when he says turn up the difficulty

Our new CCF expression is Cover Me While I Reload!

And yes in the future, there is shopping

Don't step outside...

Mindflayer Mayhem: The Madcap March to Myles's Monstrous Metamorphosis!

 Friday night - where to start, an epic and long journey awaited us. We started as we always do with shopping, although pre-warned with knowledge the city of Baldurs Gate was not safe, we went back to the outskirts, unloaded our junk and stocked up on potions. Back to camp for a long rest, before we started out on what we hoped would be the final leg of our journey to stop the elder brain.

 We teleported to the sigil closest to the morphic pool, and climbed into a flimsy boat to paddle down river. Our worst fears were realised when a stalactite broke free from the roof, and plunging down destroyed our boat. You already know dwarves can't swim, especially when wearing full plate armor. To our surprise Zaph popped to the surface and swam ashore.  Things are getting weirder and weirder.  We explored around, pausing only to deal with an ambush of mind stalkers.

 Finally the pool was before us, Zaph advanced confidently netherstones clutched in his grimy fist, and then at long last we confronted our foe as the elder brain floated up out of the pool and demanded we hand over the stones - Zaph using his indomitable will resisted (easy peasy), then tried to strike the Elder brain down (fail, fail, fail, epic fail).  The Elder brain sensing it had won - monologued and explained how we had been its pawns all along, how the chosen had worked to its plan, how the Emperor himself was another pawn it had set free.

 Then it transformed into a Netherbrain (well that sucks). Zaph tried to defy it again, when the Emperor appeared and transported us to safety in the Astral plane.

 Well shit just got real, time for a new plan. The emperor was quick to declare our only choice was to give him the netherstones so he could consume Orpheus and use all that power to defeat the netherbrain.

 Zaph was quick to point out that that trick never works.  The Emperor asked if we had a better plan, and we suggested we could use the Orphic Hammer to free Orpheus (its in the name) and see if he had a plan.

 The Emperor was not impressed, monologued about how he had saved us, protected us, given Myle's the best tentacular sex ever, etc, etc, etc. We explained he had also lied to us from the get go, plus we watched the tentacle sex through the portal and frankly, we have seen better.  The Emperor declared if we aren't with him, we are against him and left to join the Netherbrain.

 So a few quick whacks and Orpheus is free, and not at all impressed with our tadpole infested help. His plan is it takes a mind-flayer to defeat the netherbrain, so he could loosen the protection just a tad and we could be transformed, then protected once again.  Zaph said he needed to think about it.  So we had a quick chat, Myle's of course thinking tentacles are the best fashion statement ever told Orpheus he was up for the job.

 Stuff happens and we are amazed at Myle's floaty, tentacular form.  With alfoil in place to stop Myles reading our thoughts or eating our brains we head off to defeat the Netherbrain.

 We arrive back in Baldurs gate to find the Netherbrain hovering above the ruins of the city, Mindflayer ships abound and red dragon on the attack. We quickly regroup with the flaming fist (city guard) and the allies we have gathered through the journey who have pledged to help us.  Some shopping, then onward where we fight through multiple groups of Mind flayers and their allies with the help of our summons, Orpheus and a few of our allies.  At last we arrive at the tallest tower in the land and begin our ascent to the Netherbrain, except this time it brought artillery. We try to hide from the artillery, slowly advance, fend off the attack of Mindflayers only to have our progress drag to a halt.  Things are starting to look dicey, Orpheus gets blown off a wall, our elementals are down, only Myles can save us. He flys up a level, sprints to the door opens it and heads to the Mind Flayer healing pod thingy.  Where in some weird gaming logic we also join him including Orpheus.

 We climb up the brain stalk (gross) to be confronted by the Emperor, 6 of his flayer buddies, the biggest red dragon we have ever seen and assorted other critters.  The clock is running out as we shiv the emperor, distract the dragon with our allies, and scream at Myles to stop shooting stuff and get to the effing crown already.  Myles flys ahead, confronts the crown (oh yeah, it would have been helpful if we were there to aid him), and holds off the mind blasts of the desperate mind flayers to open a portal.   He jumps through the portal to confront the netherbrain, a new countdown starts, Zaph jumps through as Craig (remot piloted as he had disconnected and couldn't rejoin) and Dave race to join him.  Dave is protected by Sanctuary so he wont be attacked, and Craig has minions distracting the mind flayers. Myles's buddy also races towards the portal, inconveniently standing near Dave so any AOE attacks will also hit him.  And they oblige, the red dragon unleashes its fiery breath, and a couple of mind flayers blast away, ensuring Dave and Orpheus wont we joining the fight.

 Myles, Zaph, Craig and a few summoned allies manage to overcome the Netherbrain before the clock runs out, ordering it to kill its tadpoles and itself. The dead brain (with us aboard) crashes into the river.

  Cut to victory celebrations, you see everyday people take up the fight and slaughter the remaining mind flayers. Craig vows to destroy the remainder of Bhaals cult, Myles decides to use his new powers for good, Dave is off to hell to fight alongside Karlach (as her infernal engine can't survive on the surface), Astarion develops an allergy to sunlight, Wyll offered to come to hell but we convinced him to stay in the city.

 Zaph must be wenching as he totally skipped the end scene.  Orpheus is off to fight Vlakith and vows his people will never forget what Myles has done for them.

 We cut to the hells to see Dave and Karlach readying for a fight with approaching imps …..

 6 months go by and Withers calls us all through a portal to reminisce … and that is where we call it a night.

Of Netherstones and Necromancy: The Misadventures of a Misplaced Relic

Friday started like any other Friday, you go to camp, catch up with friends, tell tall tales, wake up covered in vines (Craig!!!!), and check around to see who has been murdered in their sleep this time.  Then a little therapeutic shopping, before the adventure continues.

Having dealt with Gortash, we checked to make sure we were carrying everything we needed for the big finale - arrows (check), sharpened swords (check), healing potions (check), scrolls (check), 2 netherstones (oops - has anyone seen what we did with the first netherstone we found?), Orphic hammer (check), camp supplies (250 days worth - check).

So its off to find Orin for the duel she challenged us to, first get the Bhaalspawn tick of approval from their council in the sewers.   Why is it always the sewers, there is enough shit to deal with in life, without having to swim through it to find some secret murderous cult.   A bit of fluffing around to find the secret door, it turns out Craig's fire elemental can talk (to doors).  The council is made up of all the failed chosen of Bhaal over the centuries (there is a free chair for Craig).   A bit of monologuing and it turns out Orin (who deposed Craig) is the Granddaughter of the Bhaalspawn who was the baddie in BG2.  After apologising to Craig for saying Orin is his sister, it's off to the trial where Craig rips the trunk off an oliphant, then robs its luggage, and has a bath in a ppol of blood (so the usual really).

We head out for the challenge, but Orin cheats and has her Bhally assassins ambush us, they are all up high around the chamber, (whilst we have the low ground), they pepper us with arrows then go invisible (rubbing salt into our wounds), Dave as usual just teleports up to a ledge getting in Myles's way (no wonder he shoots Dave so often), so Myles hops up as well and blows one of the ambushers off the ledge to their death.   On the other side of the room, an elemental and Craig warp up high to play with those ambushers whilst shorty (Zaph) attempts to walk to the guy we need to kill.  Craig's fire elemental is confused and just jumps around the room (as their are no doors to talk to), but next round after 3 more assassins appear up  high, it warps to their room and they all explode.   After a bit of back and fro, the assassins return the favour and shove Craig off a cliff killing him.  Zaph is still walking to try and get into the fight, Myles is flying around the room looking for the perfect place to take a shot, Dave is stuck at the back trying to kill someone.   Zaph asks "What does Power Word Kill do?" so the boss guy demonstrates on Myles (insta kill, its like the time that friend of the gold dragon used finger of death on Craig, but more talky, less pointy).  And then there were 2.  Dave with one resurrection scroll has to decide, (Myles or Craig), so he misty steps over to ..... Myles (not a tough choice, there is more cover near Myles).   And then there were 3.  Zaph is delayed by some wimpy dudes on the bridge and the bad guy can't decide who to splat next.  Oh yeah, some ares kicking ensues (their arse our feet) and we finally bring Craig back from the dead, (back to not being able to get through a door for all the minions).   All this teleporting is so exhausting, so its back to camp for a sleep.

A new day dawns (just like every other day - leave camp, descend stairs, Craig gets us into a fight).  This time its mind rats, 50 rats vs us plus us (Myles pet - who is no mind cat), Craig pulls out his trusty spike growth and we stand back and watch the rats scamper to death, apart from all the ones on Craig's side of the fight.  Turns out killing rats is very confusing (which fits our play style) and Craig's pets beat each other up (which is a change from them attacking our pets).  More exploring, we find the confrontation with Orin, after some conversation with Craig's weird demonic friend.  Orin also brought along a few buddies who you can't hit (Damn you Sanctuary), and Myles flys to high ground to position for the fight. (Prep work, who kidnapped Myles at our last sleep and replaced him with this person?)  Orin also prepped and has Zarael tied to the altar for sacrifice (Don't worry Zarael we will save you).  The usual monologuing ensues with Craig (as usual) picking whichever option seems to piss Orin off the most. (your grandfather is your father, no really he is).

Bhaal declares Orin his champion so she turns into a big ugly, then jumps on Craig (and kills Zarael - oops), Myles returns fire and blows a cultist off the ledge (take that Sanctuary), and big rock face of Bhaal (yes that's a thing) gives Orin immunity to the next 7 blows (that's not cricket).  We knock a few more cultists off the ledge (go team), whilst Zaph whales on Orin.  Then Bhaal repeats the immunity thing (that is annoying), so next rounds Myles repositions and shoots Bhaal face (no effect), Dave misty steps over and gives Bhaal Face the big radiant flame (no effect), and things are going downhill fast.  Zaph is whittling Orin down 2 hp at a time (179 to go).  Craig was doing something (lucky he has it on video so if we ever want to know what he did in the fight we can check).  Myles blows another cultist off the edge with thunder arrow (except he saved - twice), Dave declares it's the way they Shatter that matters and casts Shatter on Bhaal face (who saves - progress).  The next shatter gets through and Bhaal face takes 0 damage and makes Orin immune (again).  Next round it's focus everything on Orin, with Zaph going last (it's not just walking he is slow at), everyone unloads on Orin to strip her immunity, Myles knocks off 2, Craig another, Dave unloads magic missile for 4 more, and finally Zaph can bring the divine smite down on the bitch.  Rinse and repeat and it's all over except for crowning Craig champion of Bhaal.  He declines, Bhaal drains him of blood and Craig is deader than something (words fail me).  What now?

We barely have time to loot before Withers saves the day.  Apparently Withers is tired of Craig lying around never helping (so he monologues ... blah blah defied Bane ... Blah blah ... resurrection).  But he can't do that for Zarael (who is cute in a Githyanki sort of way if you are into that - which Dave is).  So we leave Dave crying inconsolably over Zarael and loot Orin's bedroom. 

Of Imps, Spas, and Disappointing Loot Rooms: Another Day in Hell

 So Raphaels loot room turned out to be a complete bust it was totally empty by the time Craig and Myles followed Dave into the room.   Dave was a bit battered after being blown off the stairs 20 times trying to make a +7 Arcance check (needing 20).  (They never taught demonic lock picking of infernal gems at wizard school.   Or maybe I skipped that class).   Then it's off to the exit, tripped over a few imps, took a dip in the restorative spa on the way.

As expected, just as we were leaving Raphael turned up, and was not impressed with uninvited visitors.  He monologued a lot about kittens and children and mice, told us we could have ruled the world with his help and now we were done.  Zaph had his funny hat on and tried to convince Yurgir to join the winning team, unfortunately, Zaph is not as persuasive as we thought he was so that was a flop (like the hat).   We tried to delay and offer an alternative option to death, but we couldn't think of an option.  Raphael has 666 hp which is more than our entire party combined, that's without counting Yurgi and a bunch of Vengeful Cambions.   Ever wondered what the Vengeful is for in Vengeful Cambion?  Hope jumped into the middle of the room, called down divine intervention from her god, did 8-80 radiant damage on all enemies in a 15m radius, and Vengful = reflected radiant damage as fire - WTF LARIAN - leaving Hope a smoking pile of ash on the floor.

Then there are the weird glowing pillars that give Raphael huge dex bonuses, saving throw bonuses and soul drain for super-powered spells, and an extra 4-80 fire damage on attacks.   We ain't putting up with that crap, so Myles opened up with smoke powder arrows, knocking one pillar down by 2/3rds, Craig disintegrated one straight off the bat and put the spikey growth out while his minions went toe to claw with the Cambions, and we slew Yurgir again (just stay dead already, losing team my Githyanki arse).

Next round Myles swapped targets and started peppering Raphael, Dave tried the disintegrate to get rid of another pillar, Zaph opened the can of paladin whoop arse on a cambion and went for another pillar wielding his legendary giant slaying sword, plus a few of the other things we looted from Raphaels house (I mean he wasn't using them, I don't know why he has his panties in a knot, maybe its because Craig is wearing his spare panties), and our minions tried to finish off the 4th pillar.

At this point Raphael had quite had enough of us disrupting his orderly life and he blew the bejeezus out of Myles with some weird super powerd fire spell.  Myles with 3hp looked around and decided it was time for a dirt-nap.  While he is napping the rest of us continued with Cambion and pillar mop up, and Dave finished his turn with a group heal that got Myles back up.   Talk about ungrateful ... its all "couldn't you have done that before my turn so I could heal", and "what am I supposed to do now".  Raphael fed up with the whining dropped the super fire spell on Myles again and blew him away, (deader than when Craig jumped from the bridge without reading the fine print).  So we sent Craig over to heal him, he dimension doored across the room and up one flight of stairs.  We forgot Craig he can't count (flights of stairs), or stick to a plan for more than one round, so we had to cajole him into actually raising Myles.

With everything else smashed, (pillars, Yurgi, Cambions) we finally turned our attention to Raphael.  We finished him off pretty quick, turns out all he is good for is Monologuing, making bad puns (about us being Hopeless), oh and blowing away Myles.  Zaph tried on his new legendary armor, we went for a swim in the rejuvenation spa (which stops working after you kill Raphael, or maybe Hope), then off to the exit, back to camp for a rest, and as expected Craig showed off his new pyjamas.   The emperor is getting a bit pissy with us now we have the hammer, almost as though he thinks we don't trust him (really the whole tentacle sex thing just creeped us out, along with him killing his bestie the dragon, and super charging Myles's psychic powers with some uber tadpole, not to mention the whole lying thing and keeping secrets).

After the usual shopping trip to sell all the crap, we visited the Gith in the sewers (shit hiding place dude) to let him know we has the Orphic hammer.  He rewarded us with the amazing Githyanki silver sword (more junk to carry).   Next off to kill Gortash and get his netherstone (which we hope isn't stored in his nether regions).    Apart from a globe of resistance, weird group bondage (tethering thing), and a shadowy fist of Bane it took us longer to find the dude than it did to kill him.   Without his army of Cyberdine killer robots he is just not up to snuff.  Of course Karlach is now pissed at us for killing him without her and demands to see the body (even though we dumped it in front of her, and I cut off his hand, she doesn't believe he is dead). 

Oh, and post game we tried out this Iron Flask. I'm not sure when we want to throw this thing.

It's awesome - but it could seriously go wrong.

The Unbelievable Misadventures of a Demonologist's Best Customers

So last friday we finished picking up all the loot from the house of grief , raided their armory, found a secret cave that Shadowheart used to play in, looked behind door number 3 for a vendor, found ShadowHearts bestie and killed her, explored down behind door number 2 and found ShadowHeart's parents and left them hanging around, played Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who is the worst dice roller of all.  Then it was back to town to offload our ill-gotten gains, buy arrows and back to camp for a nap.   Bored, we decided what the hell, let us do a snatch-and-grab raid on the house of hope in the nine hells and steal all Raphael's loot.   So back to Baldurs Gate to find a Demonologist, we paid $20k for directions on how to open a portal to hell, how hard can it be.  We also discovered this was not the first Smash and Grab raid on a Demonlord treasure vault for one of our party.   Something you want to tell us Craig (aka Dark Urge), aka looted Mephistoles vault for the crown and started all this mess - WTF???

So now we have arrived, its hot, damned hot, we met Hope a translucent projection who explained how things worked, disguised us to look like the other lost souls, gave us directions and an explanation on where the best stuff can be found, and all she asked for in return was to be rescued.  She did mention we needed to be quick, it would get really hot, so we rummaged through our bags and drank elixirs of fire resistance.

We made our way to the archives, talked to the archivists, and convinced him we were Zariels buddy doing a surprise inspection and he showed us around.   Ooh Shinies.  Unfortunately, the Orphic Hammer was protected by a force field that required a password to unlock it.   So off to Raphael's boudoir to rummage through his draws looking for clues.   The bad news, we really wanted to tell Raphael to go F$#K himself, but it turns out he already does that.  Zaph turned down the naked fight option with Rapheals pet Incubus (looks like Raphael), and its on like Donkey Kong.  A very short fight later, a dip in the restorative pool and we looted the room and got the keyword. Craig picked up some fancy demonic underwear off the Incubus, so we are in for a rude surprise next time we go to camp to sleep.   Back to the archive, there are 4 of us and 3 super cool items to loot, so we sent Craig and his minions off to find the exit (knowing he would get lost and we would have to leave him behind because you can't split 3 items, 4 ways.  Some sacrifices just have to be made).  We grabbed the amulet, gloves, and hammer simultaneously, then as all hell broke loose its time to skeddadle out of there.  We ran to the foyer, as the place burned, no time to kill the minions who get bigger if you do, Craig is at the exit, and the rest of us headed the other direction because we still have to rescue Hope.   A lot of running, and sweating and we made it to the dungeon.   Unfortunately, our secret plan to leave Craig behind fails and he catches up via Dimension door.

Now all we have to do is rescue Hope and leave, how hard can that be, well those angry Beholders might have something to say about that.   A few arrows, some minions, and a bit of Crystal smashing (as you do) and she is free at last rescued from hundreds of years of torture.   And all she cares about is her looks - vanity thy name is Gold Dwarf Woman (#3).  Zaph is smitten (he is also a short stumpy guy) and she follows him around.   We check the map to find the quickest path back to the exit and promptly get distracted by a large sign saying "Raphael's treasure room".  Zaph and Craig are off running, climbing cliffs, going through tunnels, and Dave and Myles are left to tag along.   Did we mention Hell Spheres - those just may be the toughest things we have fought yet, they roll around leaving a trail of hellfire, and if you stand in that even the elixir of fire resistance can't protect you (yes we are looking at you ZAPH!!!!).    With that done we head to the exit.

Stay tuned for our next exciting party - escaping from the halls of hell, or as we call it - "No no, that was some other group of adventurers who looted the place ... what this hammer, these gloves and amulet, we found those lying around ... Bye Bye). 

Spike Growth and Other Gardening Tips for the Aspiring Adventurer

So, we got all sneaky for our rematch with Minsc. Myles sneaked into the Pipe of Frustration, crept as close as possible, went into turn-based mode, drank a potion of invisibility, and then the cutscene kicked in and it was on like Donkey Kong. [And voilà, invisibility gone]. We had a better go the second time around, managed to knock Minsc out, kill the fake Jaheira, kill the Zhentarim runner, and then, after some heated convo with Minsc, got the Emperor to shut down his tadpole so we could calm him down. He's currently in camp with Boo (miniature giant space hamster). Jaheira got all teary-eyed over us spending the time to save one person when the whole coast is at risk. Wyll's winged devil mistress popped in and we broke Wyll's contract. Then it was back to the sewers to let Nine-Fingered Keane know we dealt with the Stone Lord. Of course, when we turned up, her hired Zhentarim guards were staging a coup, so we put them down like the dogs they are, although Craig did try to take out the Thieves' Guild as well with a spike growth. Keane is now on our side, and our band of allies is growing for the inevitable fight with the Elder Brain. As we left Keane, we robbed the Thieves' Guild vault, because it was there. We went shopping, 'cos that's what you do, stopped at the bank to return the stolen gold, and for a reward, we got the key to a vault we had already looted. Zaph sweet-talked his way out of a couple of high-security areas he wasn't supposed to be in, and we won't talk about what Craig did.

We stopped at someone's art show, whilst Craig and Myles were discussing the forged art, Dave ran into Councillor Florrick in the street who tried to convince him that Wyll was rotten to the core. Luckily, history was on his side, and he convinced her that Mithara was a lying devil and not to be trusted. She gave us the story about an ancient dragon under Baldur's Gate that Wyll could awaken, in return, we informed her that Ansur (the dragon) was dead, and recently re-dead.

We stopped in at the House of Hope (hidden Church of Shar), they refused to let us into their secret area, so Zaph knocked on the door with his legendary two-handed sword, and we greased the locks with the blood of the unbelievers. After a descent into the secret temple of Shar, we faced our toughest fight yet - 4 of us, plus a couple of Craig's summons against 20 Sharrans. They kept dropping darkness on us, but luckily, half of them died walking through Craig's spike growth. Dave was downed, Craig did his owlbear impersonation, screamed with rage which scared the shite out of Zaph, who ran away straight past some Sharrans who stabbed him to death. Craig transformed back to help Dave, but was confused in the dark and ran down the stairs instead of up. Many healing potions were consumed, much blood was spilt, arrows of smoke powder fired, elementals summoned, darkness spells survived before we finally emerged triumphant into the Daylight (Craig's spell for banishing darkness).

Stay tuned as we get down to looting, baby.

(So much darkness)

The Knights Who Say 'Nee-d All the Gold': A Bank's Tale of Woe and Weasels

So last night we were off to solve some puzzles to prove ourselves true heroes worthy of awakening Ansur the legendary dragon to defend Baldurs gate.  First up - balance the scales of justice.  Look at the pictures on the walls that depict a crime (stealing an apple to feed a hungry child), then stealing a priceless artifact, plus the bribed judge sentencing the poor guy to death.   We then had to pick from - three pictures depicting death, jail time, freedom an appropriate sentence.   Jail time it was, then off to the next puzzle.  In the next puzzle we had three people from Baldurs Gates history, 2 being good , one being bad and we had to choose to kill one of them.  To make it more challenging you had to catch flying books to read about these people so you could make a decision.   The first book you can just catch, the next not so much, and apparently shooting them out of the air destroys the books, the correct move, go to turn based, snatch that sucker out of the air and throw it on the ground.   After reading (uuurrggh) we offed the correct dude.   For the third puzzle, we found a partially played chess game, and we had to take it to checkmate of the black king in two turns.  You get three attempts to solve the puzzle.   After much discussion we burnt an attempt to see how it worked, then Craig cracked that sucker.   The fourth puzzle - Zaph got to hold a torch for 4 turns, whilst a bunch of angry air and water elementals took turns punching his clock.   Phew - finally we were declared true heroes and able to go wake the dragon.

But wait plot twist, the dragon is dead, and not happy being dead, and even unhappier that the emperor (mind flayer that Myles had weird tentacle sex with)  is the one who killed him and ... plot twist ... used to be the Balduran the founder of Baldurs gate, and Ansur the dragons bestie.  It seems Balduran went a wandering, stumbled on Moonrise tower, captured by Mind flayers, infected with the parasite, rescued by Ansur, couldn't be saved, turned into a mind flayer, Anser went to put him out of his misery and Balduran beat him to the punch and killed him ... phew.    Long story short, big boss battle against an undead dragon who swatted Craig and Zaph like the annoyances they are, leaving Myles to save the day with his arrows of undead & dragon slaying.   But hey we got some cool loot, Baldurans legendary giant slaying great sword (now wielded by Zaph), and Baldurans cool legendary helmet which is a little tight, but looks cool on Dave (who may have grabbed those whilst Myles and Craig were distracted by the cut scene).

Then off to rob a bank (I mean check out the trap set for the stone lord, and see what's happening in the vault.)   We may have stopped briefly downstairs to loot the clerks office and hoover up every potion and item in sight, followed by Myles practicing his safe cracking skills on vaults 1 to 6, and safe 1 through 7 (needing a 25  to pick each lock).   Then into the vault for the main event, only slightly delayed by us having to crack the security code.   Where we watched the drap go south as Minsk (of Baldurs gate 2 fame & Jaheira's bestie) broke out of a mimic.  He and fake Jaheira escaped with the banks gold leaving us to help the bank idiots fight off a wave of assassins.   Since no-one was paying us for this work, Myles cracked high security vaults 1 through 9 (needing a 30 to pick the lock) and we took everything that wasn't nailed to the floor, only briefly delayed by a couple of invisible assassins lurking around the filing cabinets.  The banker tried to convince us we should go recover the gold and return it, so its off to the sewers (what a shitty life adventuring is) to track down the stone lord.    We spent over an hour traipsing through shit form one end of the sewer to the other until we finally stumbled on the stone lord.  Since real Jaheira wanted us to rescue Minsk, Dave set the combat to non-lethal, told Myles and Craig repeatedly (like at least 5 times) we needed to take him alive, whilst killing the squirrel dude, then promptly used a water elemental to crush that tattooed idiot (Minsk) to death ... oops.   At this point we agreed to try that again next week, and maybe not have Craig and his horde of minions be first through the tunnel blocking the passageway.

'Cause it's gonna be very intelligent, quite interesting, and humane. ZAPHOD: Okay, fire away!

When you have to blast your way in

Maybe, if I change myself into a gnome they won't ask questions.

Rescuing the hostages. Not everyone made it out, including the rescuers 

 

Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three

 

Once again Craig didn't read the fine print.   You know how when you target somewhere to jump it shows you if the jump will make you fall prone or take damage? It also shows you if it will kill you. Craig jumped to a ledge below the bridge during the grease fight - and died instantly, then whined about why was he dead? It literally says in the fine print "Death" if you attempt that jump.

Here Zaph demonstrates what that UI would look like.

Oh, and this happened

Because every evening ends with your character in some weird tentacle sex scene with a mind-flayer. But seriously, why are there two people using portal vision to watch?

Who Ya Gonna Call? Curse Busters!

 

Amidst the shadowy corridors of an ancient mansion, rumored to harbor a secret vampire coven, our intrepid band of adventurers tread cautiously. The air was thick with an unspoken dread, every creak and whisper magnifying our unease. It was in one such forsaken room that we stumbled upon a chilling scene: a lifeless body, its presence marked by eerie green wisps that danced like ghostly flames in the still air.

In the face of this unsettling curse, it was Dave who, with a steadiness born of countless encounters with the dark and arcane, searched his inventory for a beacon of hope. The scroll of remove curse, a rare and precious artefact, gleamed with potential salvation. With a whispered incantation, the green vapours that had held us in their morbid spell began to fade, revealing the room's true form and lifting the veil of foreboding that had settled upon our hearts.

---

So Friday's session, started out minus Zaph, with our usual promises not to get him killed.  We started out with the usual ... finishing up from where we had got to the previous session.   We went deeper into the cellars, and found the temple of Bhane, and Orin who had kidnapped Leizal from our camp and told us to bugger off and deal with Gortash or our friend gets carved like a roast.    So we left and headed back to camp to rest, confirming Lazael is missing.  We had a chat with Wyll then slept.

Then off for shopping to sell junk, we had picked up, exploring to map out more of Baldurs Gate, and a trip to the armor to spend $5,000 (only 40% of our gold) gold on new medium armor for Myles, enabling his full dexterity bonus, and boosting his AC from 20 to 24.  A trip to the docks got us jumped by some Sahuagin, Craig went all snarly badger on them, Myles almost killed an innocent bystander - Zaph stripped down to his birthday suit so he wouldn't drown if he fell in the water, a few arrows, a bit of melee, a guardian spirit, an elemental or two and it was all over bar the cheering.   After Zaph put his armor back on we visited the temple of woes, where they tried to convince Craig he really needed to repent and get their services (1,000 gp).  It really fit his back story, but after Dave also spoke to them it turns out they have the same spiel for everyone.   So we kept exploring.

Down to the next docks - where Volo the bard was tied up to some barrels of firewine with fire creeping closer, and a hostile crowd being stirred up by a servant of the absolute.   So of course, we intervened .... well Craig tried, and it all went to shit ... then he tried to put the fire out and blew Volo up.   So we reloaded and tried again.  This time Myles prepositioned early on a nearby roof, we threw water on the fire suppressing it, so we could free Volo, and we watched Craig's minions beat each other up instead of the enemy.

Off for some more dockside exploring, the place is just overrun by thugs - another fight, some red chests.  Myles asked what the point was if you couldn't loot them, and Dave explained we just needed to obscure them with fog or Dark and you could loot away.   That worked and Myles is now a fan of arrows of darkness.

We picked up the trail of the murderous dopplegangers and tracked them down, saving their next victim and killing the leader, completing the quest.   Our reward - big discounts on all the frippery clothes you could want.   So we played dress up with Zaph's character, then paraded him around town in his new finery.   And what better place to show him off, than into the park where we picked flowers, got ambushed by Orin's cult of murderers as a test , which we passed with flying colours by turning it on them and having Myles and Craig sneaking around above them..... well Myles sneaked, whilst Craig and his menagerie stomped through the garden beds like Craig walking in a forest.   After the fight was over we had a weird conversation with the elder brain via one if its tadpole minions whose brain turned to mush at the end, it would like us to free it. ... free it, kill it, decisions decisions.    Meanwhile we have an invite to gate crash the Vampire party so we set off to do that ... it turns out Earth elementals are too big to fit through doorways, who would have guessed.   Myles found a way on to the walls, then its off to Count Szarrs castle for a bit of staking, garlic and holy water.   The brain dead minion wouldn't let us in until we convinced him we were just their to check the security - wink, wink.

Not that they needed security with the magically sealed doors.   So we trashed the place top to bottom to find what we needed to break the seal, including lifting a curse from a body, reading a bunch of notes, pilfering everything that wasn't nailed to the floor.  Finally we relented and let Zaph put his armor back on, then popped the door and in we went.   Of course the anti chamber is full of giant wolves, werewolves, rats, bats etc, etc.    So we got Myles to sneak through the room (this time he went invisible) and he found the elevator down, and looted the study.   Dave sent his elemental in to where Myles was, which the wolves ignored, so thinking that meant everyone would be ignored he stepped into the room .... and of course that triggers the you can't be here conversation, but you can be lunch.   Craig turned into a housecat for the fight - that was useful for the rats, but not much else, so he unleashed his inner spider.  Of course his fangs weren't magical, so they just bounced off the werewolves.    It was touch and go there for a minute as a bunch of servants went hostile as well and rushed in to die.  Lots of post combat looting ensued, we found out what the button did, looted the attic, came back and did the other study, then called it a night.

You must be joking. I am TELLING you my thoughts. Directly. Into. Your. Head.

One more tadpole, can't hurt right?

Oh crap.

When you're checking for Wisdom, it's a little tough - you need a twenty.

 Simpler times - when you could just go site seeing

Man, that's a lot of rats.

Here is the recap from Friday.   Sorry its so brief

We decided to explore the area around the refugee camps outside Baldurs gate - followed the river trail, fought off one Crime gang attacking another crime gang.  Found a guy impaled with a dagger who begged us to kill him, so we put him out of his misery. He then shaped changed into the Chosen Orin the Red. She told us we weren't up to playing with her and suggested we focus on Gortash - seems all is not buddy buddy in evil land.  Myles found a back way into the gateway area so we avoided paying a toll.  We reported into the Harper cell, but it turns out they were all dopplegangers, except one guy we saved.  Following up our murder investigation we checked out the Flophouse.  Found a couple of Vampire spawn who turned into gas before we could snuff them.   Finding a secret door on the top floor, we found a murdered body, and a kill list.  It turns out a spate of murders are being carried out as a rite of passage for a murder cult of Bhaal.

Off to the local brothel to talk to the Justicar - he was drunk as a skunk, and gave us a pass to enter the city and told us to report to his Lieutenant who is following up her crazy theory that there is more to the murders than meets the eye.

Before crossing the drawbridge we checked in with Kithrak Voss (Gith) who was pleading with Raphael (Devil lord) for something. Raphael denied him but said we might be able to help.  Raphael then offered us the orphic hammer which could be used to free the Gith Prince Orpheus from his astral prison.  And all he wanted in return is the Netheril crown causing all the problems (what could possibly go wrong with that).  We said we would think about it.

Our buddy the Emperor (Mind flayer) was none to happy with the idea.

Finally - off to Baldurs gate.  We presented our creds at the drawbridge and were let into the city. After crossing the bridge Zaph & Myles got watched a cut scene about Gortash being made Lord protector of Baldurs Gate.  Meanwhile David playing Craig's character got the big reveal cut scene that Craig (Dark Urge) is in fact a Bhaalspawn (scion of the murder god), deposed head of a murder cult of Bhaal, and sibling of Orin.  Daddy is NOT HAPPY with Craig. Luckily for us Craig was not actually there so we could make him say whatever we wanted - so we told Daddy to stick it where the sun don't shine.

We met with the Lieutenant who was investigating another murder, presented our evidence, she gave us the Bhaal cult backstory, then said she was off to the upper city to warn the rich people, leaving us to hang out in the lower city and warn the people who couldn't afford decent protection.

Out the door of the tavern, turn right, found the first person we needed to warn about to do a wine tasting. Hey we said, there is a murderer looking to kill you, so you need to be careful.  You must be kidding me she says. The bartender says - Curse you kids, I had the perfect plan. 8 of the onlookers all shapechanged to be identical to the bartender and the fight is on.  We mopped the floor with those doppleganger wannabes, apart from the leader who escaped.  Went to visit the next person on the list, but someone had already offed them.  Back to the Inn, to warn the chef he was next on the list. He said I don't care, get down in the cellar and clean out the rats. We tried to reason with him, but he was very persistent. Down to the cellar for the proverbial rat quest and I kid you not, when he said small rat problem - there was 50 rats waiting to nibble us to death.  A few fire arrows, a spike growth, a bit of smacking and it was all done. Since we were there anyway we decided to explore the Emperors old haunts.

We trot on in, with Craig's entourage of Zombies, elementals and woodland creatures in tow, only to find a Githyanki war party in the room, with our names on their todo list. After a bit of witty banter it all goes to shit. Myles notices they have a portal off to the side, so he sneak towards the back to get a surprise attack on the summoner.  Of course they notice him, and shoot him full of arrows, then jump over and stomp him into the floor.  Lesson learnt - when you really have to sneak - go invisible.  Of course to make matters worse there is a second portal on the other side of the room where they are also calling in reinforcements.  What to do, what to do.

A judicious application of spike growth provides some helpful path blockage on the left, then it’s a bit of a scrumfest on the right with a gith paladin standing off Zaph, Dave, an elemental and co.  Adding another elemental to the mix turned the tide (water elemental) and we were able to breakout from the back of the room.  Craig went full Druid ragefest and turned into an Owlbear. Whilst the Gith were giving him a beating, the elementals warped up to the right to deal with that portal, Dave provided some healing support, and Zaph went all uber Paladin on the left.

The Gith totally beat the owlbear out of Craig, so on his turn he did it again. The elementals had the right portal under control, the left used up all its summons and expired, so we healed Myles then it was just down to mopping up and looting, don't forget the looting.

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper

 

We're on an express elevator to hell - going down!
Getting everyone on the elevator only took about half an hour - too busy posing for the team photo - just press the button already.

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper

Myrkul was a lot bigger than we were expecting.

Myrkul was a god of the dead and later a god of decay and exhaustion in the Faerûnian pantheon.

Notice the past tense, "was a god". They don't make gods like they used to - he ... became exhausted!