Of Imps, Spas, and Disappointing Loot Rooms: Another Day in Hell

 So Raphaels loot room turned out to be a complete bust it was totally empty by the time Craig and Myles followed Dave into the room.   Dave was a bit battered after being blown off the stairs 20 times trying to make a +7 Arcance check (needing 20).  (They never taught demonic lock picking of infernal gems at wizard school.   Or maybe I skipped that class).   Then it's off to the exit, tripped over a few imps, took a dip in the restorative spa on the way.

As expected, just as we were leaving Raphael turned up, and was not impressed with uninvited visitors.  He monologued a lot about kittens and children and mice, told us we could have ruled the world with his help and now we were done.  Zaph had his funny hat on and tried to convince Yurgir to join the winning team, unfortunately, Zaph is not as persuasive as we thought he was so that was a flop (like the hat).   We tried to delay and offer an alternative option to death, but we couldn't think of an option.  Raphael has 666 hp which is more than our entire party combined, that's without counting Yurgi and a bunch of Vengeful Cambions.   Ever wondered what the Vengeful is for in Vengeful Cambion?  Hope jumped into the middle of the room, called down divine intervention from her god, did 8-80 radiant damage on all enemies in a 15m radius, and Vengful = reflected radiant damage as fire - WTF LARIAN - leaving Hope a smoking pile of ash on the floor.

Then there are the weird glowing pillars that give Raphael huge dex bonuses, saving throw bonuses and soul drain for super-powered spells, and an extra 4-80 fire damage on attacks.   We ain't putting up with that crap, so Myles opened up with smoke powder arrows, knocking one pillar down by 2/3rds, Craig disintegrated one straight off the bat and put the spikey growth out while his minions went toe to claw with the Cambions, and we slew Yurgir again (just stay dead already, losing team my Githyanki arse).

Next round Myles swapped targets and started peppering Raphael, Dave tried the disintegrate to get rid of another pillar, Zaph opened the can of paladin whoop arse on a cambion and went for another pillar wielding his legendary giant slaying sword, plus a few of the other things we looted from Raphaels house (I mean he wasn't using them, I don't know why he has his panties in a knot, maybe its because Craig is wearing his spare panties), and our minions tried to finish off the 4th pillar.

At this point Raphael had quite had enough of us disrupting his orderly life and he blew the bejeezus out of Myles with some weird super powerd fire spell.  Myles with 3hp looked around and decided it was time for a dirt-nap.  While he is napping the rest of us continued with Cambion and pillar mop up, and Dave finished his turn with a group heal that got Myles back up.   Talk about ungrateful ... its all "couldn't you have done that before my turn so I could heal", and "what am I supposed to do now".  Raphael fed up with the whining dropped the super fire spell on Myles again and blew him away, (deader than when Craig jumped from the bridge without reading the fine print).  So we sent Craig over to heal him, he dimension doored across the room and up one flight of stairs.  We forgot Craig he can't count (flights of stairs), or stick to a plan for more than one round, so we had to cajole him into actually raising Myles.

With everything else smashed, (pillars, Yurgi, Cambions) we finally turned our attention to Raphael.  We finished him off pretty quick, turns out all he is good for is Monologuing, making bad puns (about us being Hopeless), oh and blowing away Myles.  Zaph tried on his new legendary armor, we went for a swim in the rejuvenation spa (which stops working after you kill Raphael, or maybe Hope), then off to the exit, back to camp for a rest, and as expected Craig showed off his new pyjamas.   The emperor is getting a bit pissy with us now we have the hammer, almost as though he thinks we don't trust him (really the whole tentacle sex thing just creeped us out, along with him killing his bestie the dragon, and super charging Myles's psychic powers with some uber tadpole, not to mention the whole lying thing and keeping secrets).

After the usual shopping trip to sell all the crap, we visited the Gith in the sewers (shit hiding place dude) to let him know we has the Orphic hammer.  He rewarded us with the amazing Githyanki silver sword (more junk to carry).   Next off to kill Gortash and get his netherstone (which we hope isn't stored in his nether regions).    Apart from a globe of resistance, weird group bondage (tethering thing), and a shadowy fist of Bane it took us longer to find the dude than it did to kill him.   Without his army of Cyberdine killer robots he is just not up to snuff.  Of course Karlach is now pissed at us for killing him without her and demands to see the body (even though we dumped it in front of her, and I cut off his hand, she doesn't believe he is dead). 

Oh, and post game we tried out this Iron Flask. I'm not sure when we want to throw this thing.

It's awesome - but it could seriously go wrong.

The Unbelievable Misadventures of a Demonologist's Best Customers

So last friday we finished picking up all the loot from the house of grief , raided their armory, found a secret cave that Shadowheart used to play in, looked behind door number 3 for a vendor, found ShadowHearts bestie and killed her, explored down behind door number 2 and found ShadowHeart's parents and left them hanging around, played Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who is the worst dice roller of all.  Then it was back to town to offload our ill-gotten gains, buy arrows and back to camp for a nap.   Bored, we decided what the hell, let us do a snatch-and-grab raid on the house of hope in the nine hells and steal all Raphael's loot.   So back to Baldurs Gate to find a Demonologist, we paid $20k for directions on how to open a portal to hell, how hard can it be.  We also discovered this was not the first Smash and Grab raid on a Demonlord treasure vault for one of our party.   Something you want to tell us Craig (aka Dark Urge), aka looted Mephistoles vault for the crown and started all this mess - WTF???

So now we have arrived, its hot, damned hot, we met Hope a translucent projection who explained how things worked, disguised us to look like the other lost souls, gave us directions and an explanation on where the best stuff can be found, and all she asked for in return was to be rescued.  She did mention we needed to be quick, it would get really hot, so we rummaged through our bags and drank elixirs of fire resistance.

We made our way to the archives, talked to the archivists, and convinced him we were Zariels buddy doing a surprise inspection and he showed us around.   Ooh Shinies.  Unfortunately, the Orphic Hammer was protected by a force field that required a password to unlock it.   So off to Raphael's boudoir to rummage through his draws looking for clues.   The bad news, we really wanted to tell Raphael to go F$#K himself, but it turns out he already does that.  Zaph turned down the naked fight option with Rapheals pet Incubus (looks like Raphael), and its on like Donkey Kong.  A very short fight later, a dip in the restorative pool and we looted the room and got the keyword. Craig picked up some fancy demonic underwear off the Incubus, so we are in for a rude surprise next time we go to camp to sleep.   Back to the archive, there are 4 of us and 3 super cool items to loot, so we sent Craig and his minions off to find the exit (knowing he would get lost and we would have to leave him behind because you can't split 3 items, 4 ways.  Some sacrifices just have to be made).  We grabbed the amulet, gloves, and hammer simultaneously, then as all hell broke loose its time to skeddadle out of there.  We ran to the foyer, as the place burned, no time to kill the minions who get bigger if you do, Craig is at the exit, and the rest of us headed the other direction because we still have to rescue Hope.   A lot of running, and sweating and we made it to the dungeon.   Unfortunately, our secret plan to leave Craig behind fails and he catches up via Dimension door.

Now all we have to do is rescue Hope and leave, how hard can that be, well those angry Beholders might have something to say about that.   A few arrows, some minions, and a bit of Crystal smashing (as you do) and she is free at last rescued from hundreds of years of torture.   And all she cares about is her looks - vanity thy name is Gold Dwarf Woman (#3).  Zaph is smitten (he is also a short stumpy guy) and she follows him around.   We check the map to find the quickest path back to the exit and promptly get distracted by a large sign saying "Raphael's treasure room".  Zaph and Craig are off running, climbing cliffs, going through tunnels, and Dave and Myles are left to tag along.   Did we mention Hell Spheres - those just may be the toughest things we have fought yet, they roll around leaving a trail of hellfire, and if you stand in that even the elixir of fire resistance can't protect you (yes we are looking at you ZAPH!!!!).    With that done we head to the exit.

Stay tuned for our next exciting party - escaping from the halls of hell, or as we call it - "No no, that was some other group of adventurers who looted the place ... what this hammer, these gloves and amulet, we found those lying around ... Bye Bye).