Zaph and the Bile Titan

Once upon a time, in a faraway galaxy, there was a brave space marine named Zaph. Zaph wore shiny green armor and had a powerful laser gun. He was on a mission to keep the galaxy safe from scary aliens.

One day, Zaph landed on a strange, red planet. The sky was dark and misty, and the ground was covered in rocks and strange plants. Zaph had heard stories about a giant monster called a Titan that lived on this planet. He was a little scared, but he was also very brave.

As Zaph walked through the misty gloom, he suddenly saw a small, cute bug. It had big, friendly eyes and tiny antennae. Zaph thought, "This must be the Titan everyone was talking about! It doesn't look so scary after all."

Without thinking twice, Zaph aimed his laser gun at the little bug. "Take that, Titan!" he shouted, and zapped the bug. The little bug squeaked and quickly scurried away, unharmed.

But then, the ground started to shake. Zaph looked up and saw something huge moving in the mist. It was a gigantic crab-like monster with big claws and glowing red eyes. It was the real Titan!

Zaph's eyes widened in shock. "Oh no," he whispered, "that little bug wasn't the Titan. This is the Titan!"

The giant Crab Titan was very angry. It didn't like that Zaph tried to hurt its little friend. It turned its huge, scary eyes toward Zaph and roared loudly.

Zaph realized he had made a big mistake. He had to think quickly to save himself. With all his courage, he ran as fast as he could back to his spaceship. The Crab Titan chased him, but Zaph was quick and nimble.

He jumped into his spaceship, started the engines, and zoomed off into space. As he flew away, he looked back and saw the Crab Titan shaking its claws angrily. Zaph knew he had learned an important lesson: things are not always what they seem, and it's important to be sure before making a decision.

From that day on, Zaph was more careful and always made sure to double-check before he acted. He continued to protect the galaxy, but he never forgot the day he almost got caught by the real Titan.

And so, Zaph flew on to his next adventure, wiser and braver than before.

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Artistic licence - It might not have gone down exactly as written.

 

Smegging Up on Varylia 5: A Helldivers' Tale

Dave: Okay recruits today we are taking the fight to those cylon bots

Group: Sir, Yes, Sir

Dave: Myles find us something challenging on Varylia 5, I hear that’s the place to be this week

Myles: What are these symbols that look like aircraft

Dave: Perfect, we deploy to the planet, catch them by surprise and blow up their dropships whilst they are still on the ground, denying them vital air support.

Announcement *Helldivers to drop pods, launch imminent*

As we deploy from our pods, the first dropship comes flying in to drop off a load of bots, followed by a second, third, fourth …..

Dave: Fallback, we need reinforcements

*that was the final transmission *  MISSION FAILED

Attempt 2 as our heroes run around like headless chickens all over the map , and the clock runs out  MISSION FAILED

Finally we get our shit together, bringing multiple orbital weapons, the wrong backpack (good one Dave), and a few turrets, death to the Cylons.

For a followup mission we hunt the big mobile bot factory.  Which goes quite well until we call down the fire and it walks towards us with 2 orbital lasers raining fire on it.

Dave: What else did we bring squad?

Craig: I can call in a Eagle with a 500 kg bomb

Dave: Perfect, toast that sucker

Craig: …. In 1 minute and 25 seconds

Dave: Fallback, we need reinforcements

Zaph: *sorry sir, you are breaking up, what did you say? *

Zaph departs the planet

Myles: They blew up my rock I was hiding behind.  Are they allowed to do that?

Myles: Stop f#$king knocking me over

* Mission successful *

Group looks around puzzled

Myles: I guess those orbital lasers finally found the weak spot.

A short time later we rejoin our intrepid heroes in orbit.

Myles: Enough of this bot shit, remember the good old days, on Erata Prime, Defending the base as the civilians launched shuttles, killing the bugs in droves and they never got past the first gate?   Lets do that again.

We redeploy to Errata Prime.

Myles: I can't seem to find any bases that need evacuating, why don't we do a bug hunt. How about Bile Titans, they sound bigger than a barn, so even Craig should be able to hit that. This area has 2, twice the fun.

Announcement *Helldivers to hellpods, deployment in 20 seconds*

 Myles: Right everyone call in your support gear

Dave: Oops

Myles: What now?

Dave: I grabbed the wrong pack

Myles: What did you bring?

Dave: Ballistic shield

Myles: But bugs don't shoot, leave that behind it will just slow you down.

Myles (Nervously): You know how the bots have those Eye of Mordor towers?

Craig: Yes?

Myles: Well it appears the bugs have Shelobs bigger, uglier, meaner, sister.  And she has friends, run!!!  Get these flying bugs off me for f@#ks sake.

* Reinforcements deploying *

Craig deploys on top of a rock.

Craig: Hey guys, how about I stay here, deploy turrets and provide overwatch, while you guys go deal with the Spyder.

Myles: A plan, after 20 years, will miracles never cease?

2 orbital lasers later and the Bile Titan is a pile of glowing mush

Myles: Okay, Dave target the second one and lets see whats out there. And will someone get these f#$king flying bugs off me.

Myles and Dave move out.

Craig: Wait for me.

Craig jumps down from the rock.

*Teammate died* Reinforcement requested

Myles: WTF????

Dave: I guess there was a bunch of bugs waiting at the bottom of that rock for lunch, and Craig gave it to them on a platter.

Dave looks at his radar *INCOMING, WE GOT MULTIPLE INCOMING*

Sound of continuous shooting

Dave: Cover me while I reload, oh shit out of ammo

Myles: What about your supply back. GET THESE F#$KING bugs off me

Dave: Ballistic shield remember?

*** MISSION FAILED !!! ****

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But wait ... the night isn't over yet ...

Myles: How about we hunt one bile titan?  And Dave - this time bring the right gear

A short time later we redeploy to Eden Prime (Oh wait that’s mass effect).  We redeploy to Erata Prime (hope you read the small print).

Announcement *Helldivers to hellpods, deploying in 20 seconds*

The squad deploy

Dave: Why is it so dark? I can't see where my supply pack landed

Myles: Daylight is for wimps, pick a target Dave.

Dave: Okay, here is the general area, with a small diversion to this hot zone on the way.

A short time later

Myles: Dave, where is the titan Dave? You know, big bug, kinda hard to miss?

Dave: No idea, its around here somewhere. If only it was daylight we could see it. Could be that big rock over there. No, how about that long skinny thing sticking up?  Maybe its sleeping and that’s its leg?

Myles: That’s artillery Dave. Didn't you study the Silhouette manual?

Dave: Nope - to busy learning the difference between supply pack and Ballistic shield, and bullet guard dog.

Myles: How did you exam go?

Dave: I got an F. That is F for F$%King awesome right?

Myles: No - that is F for cover us while we reload the artillery, you can never have too much artillery. Unless Craig is using it in which case Blue on Blue is really deep blue, almost black.

Myles: Can anyone see the titan?

Dave: No, but what if we climb on top of the hill.

A short time later

Myles: Great view, can anyone see the titan

Dave: Maybe if it wasn't so Dark ….

Craig: I can light the place up …

Myles and Dave: No!!!

Myles: Pick a spot, any spot

Dave: South it is

 A short time later

Dave: Shhh, I sense its very close.

Myles: Are you psychic?

Dave: No, my radar is pinging it over this big rock.

Myles: Okay, whats the plan?

Dave: Normally we would send a recruit around the rock, take a look and shoot it to get it moving.  Where is Zaph?

Myles: Technical troubles - his hellpod shorted out ….

Dave: I guess its plan B then. *Lobs a beacon over the rock*

Angry roar, as the Bile Titan being tracked by an orbital laser emerges from behind the rock

Myles: Bring the rain!!!

Craig and Myles deploy orbital lasers, and the Bile Titan dissolves into mush.

Squad hightails it for the extraction zone. High 5's all around.