Saturday, September 06, 2025

1.7 Million Millilitres and Still Thirsty




 

Dave, brandishing his shiny new light machine gun like Moses descending Mount Sinai with a Gatling attachment, declared:

“Don’t go near the water!!”

The rest of us, parched and sand-crusted, did the only sensible thing—begged like supplicants at a mirage.

Myles (that’d be me, forever cast as Responsible Uncle in this desert daycare): “But we are thirsty, please let us drink.”

Dave, glaring as though I’d suggested baptizing in his sacred coolant tank: “Supplies are low—we are down to 1.7 million ml’s of water, we can’t spare any.”


For reference, that’s 1,700 litres. Apparently, when supplies dip below the “local swimming pool” threshold, Dave initiates rationing protocols.


Craig, ever the diplomat, offered: “What if we promised to help you do some harvesting?”

Dave relented—but with the usual mafia-esque caveat: no brushing teeth, or into the juicer you go.


The Great Slaver Purée


Zaph had the night off (lucky sod), so the rest of us hit every unexplored slaver outpost east and north. We even poked into the Rift. By the time we returned, Dave was whistling merrily while installing extra coolers to store the liquified essence of roughly one hundred slavers. Fremen might call them Deathstills, but we—being plain-spoken colonials—call them “juicers.”


There is something profoundly unsettling about watching Dave beam with pride while feeding “plump slaver bodies” into the machines like fruit at a summer market.


Enter Craig, Stage Left, Sandworm Bait


Lest history forget, it has been almost 25 years since the Gold Dragon Incident, and Craig apparently felt the group had grown complacent. His solution? Attempting to lure a sandworm into flattening our base.

Craig planted a thumper, fully intending to give Shai-Hulud our home address. But Dave—ever the opportunist prankster—charged across the dunes, flipped on his Holtzman field right behind Craig, and bolted for my thopter. The worm sign went wild.

Craig scrambled into the rocks just in time to watch a gargantuan worm erupt from the sands and devour his thumper whole.

“Curses, foiled again,” muttered Craig, like Wile E. Coyote realizing the ACME rocket wasn’t OSHA-compliant.


Assault Thopter Mutiny


Undeterred, Craig decided to cheer himself up by rocketing our base into rubble. Except… Dave had quietly revoked his Assault Thopter privileges. Cue Craig, frantically turning keys and muttering spells to no avail:

“Hey Dave, why am I locked out of the Assault Thopter’s controls?”

Dave, with all the gravity of a judge handing down a life sentence, walked over to Juicer #3 and scrawled Craig’s name on its side.


And Then, The Song


Because why wouldn’t this night end in a musical number? Dave, channeling equal parts Sesame Street and Saw, broke into song while ceremonially juicing another corpse:


Don’t go near my water
To do it any wrong
To be cool with the water
Is the message of this song
Let’s all help the water
Do what we can and ought to
Let’s start juicing today


The juicer hummed, the tanks dripped, and somewhere in the distance, Shai-Hulud sighed in despair at our group’s continued survival.



Addendum: The Great Peak Fiasco


As if sandworm baiting and juicer karaoke weren’t enough, Dave also decided Myles needed a character-building exercise. His idea of “character-building”?

“Climb the highest peak north of our base. There’s loot up there.”



Simple words, devastating consequences.


With some creative aeronautics, Dave wedged the Assault Thopter onto a precarious ledge 800 meters up. From there, I had to grapple the rest of the way to the summit, dangling like a nervous spider in the Arrakeen breeze. Somewhere between prayer and profanity, I finally hauled myself up.


Craig, observing from below, later described it thus:

“With Myles it was like a Titanic situation. Except instead of yelling ‘I’m on top of the world,’ it was more ‘Oh shit, oh shit, argh—I’m falling off the top of the world!’ The only bad thing was that he didn’t.”

(Thanks, Craig. Always rooting for me.)

To everyone’s disappointment, I did not plummet to my doom, but instead successfully used my grapple hook—after only two months of fumbling practice. Craig insists my next life skill should be “learning how to use a sword.” Baby steps.


A Sunburnt Summit

Naturally, we chose to scale the peak at the worst possible time: midday. The desert sun blazed down, water rations evaporated faster than Craig’s good intentions, and I could practically hear our storage tanks sobbing in sympathy.

By the time Dave swung the Thopter around for pickup, the engines were wheezing and the fuel gauge looked like a countdown timer. He casually mentioned:

“Hope you brought extra fuel. We might need some to get back.”

Translation: he’d burned through every last reserve to prove a point about verticality.

So there we were—sunburnt, parched, clinging to loot, and relying on a chopper that was only marginally more functional than Craig’s Assault Thopter license.

A typical fiasco, really.


Sunday, August 31, 2025

The Worm Song Massacre: A Dune Ballad in Underwear

On most planets, worms are small, soil-friendly creatures that recycle life’s leftovers into nutrients. On Dune, they are colossal death tubes that swallow spaceships whole and redecorate the desert in flaming chaos.

Children across the galaxy are currently bopping along to a catchy tune about worms joyfully pooping fertilizer. Meanwhile, we four idiots are learning the Dune remix:

This is my life as a worm. And you know wherever I squirm,
I eat dead things, help them decompose.
My poop is fertilizer that helps the plants grow.
I dig what I do in my life as a worm.
Poop, Poop, Poop Poop, Poop, Poop, Poo

But we digress; all will be explained shortly.


Dave the Architect, Myles the Whinger, and the Murder-Hobo’s Basement

If you remember from last week, Myles had requested a few layout changes to the base – “can everything be on the same level and grouped together?” Dave obliged by spending the week remodelling like a demented space-IKEA architect. The floor of the main hangar was raised, the walls higher, and all manufacturing machinery moved inside. Dave’s hangar was expanded to accommodate The Beast. When the neighbours finally removed their shack, we annexed the land with imperial enthusiasm and built a second entrance to the garage.

Raising the main hangar floor created a cavernous space below, which Dave immediately converted into two million millilitres of water storage, a spice and chemical refinery (double airlocked, naturally), a mezzanine for eight blood refineries (Craig the resident murder-hobo applauded), and room for two ore refineries. Truly a murder-bungalow’s dream basement.


Cannons in the Basin

We woke to our base rattling from thunderous cannon fire, flaming shells streaking overhead. The Hagga Basin had been interdicted overnight: ground-to-space defence cannons everywhere. Fifty of them. Ships were being blown out of the sky. Thopters suddenly looked like bad life insurance investments.

At Anvil trading post we found a CHOAM rep fuming that his trade ships were being shot down and looted. He hired us to fix it: kill 25 Kirrab thugs, destroy cannons, recover 10 trade goods. Payment: cosmetic weapon skins, so everyone would know how much of a bad-ass we were.

There is a sucker born every day—or in this case, four of them. We prepped our shiny new assault thopter (with rocket pods!) and set off.


Dave’s 30% Success Plan™

First cannon, textbook. Land on spire, kill thugs, loot chest, slap explosives, run. Dave recovers 1 cargo. Myles’s chest? Empty. The math was ugly: 10 cargo each, four of us, 40 needed. Cannon count rising.

Cue Dave’s bright idea—a signal to run for the hills. “The CHOAM rep said cargo comes from crashed ships too. I see one down there! We just fly down, Zaph keeps the chopper running, rest of us cut in and grab the loot.”

Given Dave’s plans usually had a 30% survival rating and some vague logic, we agreed. Big mistake.

We had barely started cutting when worm sign went berserk. A worm erupted under us, swallowing the crashed ship, Myles, and Craig in one gulp. Zaph banked the thopter away. Dave ran for rocks, but the worm followed. Sandstorm blinded Zaph; Dave sprinted again before being swallowed whole.


Heroes in Underwear

On Dune the worm song goes:

This is my life as a worm, making mercenaries sneak and hide in fear.
Eating space ships is my jam,
Pooping spice is the plan,
Turning you into spice poop,
If you are lucky you get a tooth.

Luckily heroes are indigestible, so the worm spat us out. In our underwear. All gear lost. Craig’s 100,000-solari auction sword gone forever. A worm tooth was our consolation prize.

We hurried back to base to hose off slime, rearm, and try again. Dave, determined, packed a bike for worm evasion. Result? Eaten again. Underwear again.

Craig claimed this was worse than his infamous Gold Dragon incident from 20 years ago. Dave disagreed: this worm fiasco was pre-agreed, Craig’s dragon disaster had been inflicted without warning.


Cargo, Cannons, and Worm Poop

At last, one crashed ship was close enough to rocks that worms avoided. Salvage success: 4 cargo. Go us. The rest of the quota we filled by gutting Kirrab mercs and blowing up cannons. This event sucked worm poop.

Some late research (Google) revealed worms can be distracted with thumpers. Shame the CHOAM merchant forgot that detail. Thumpers unlock in the AQL quest line—something we’d skipped in favour of endless base building, exploring, and Craig’s murder-hobboing.


The Freeman Trials (or: Puzzle Hell)

So we pursued the Freeman quest line. Learned to make thumpers and sand tents. Final quest: enter an abandoned Seitch. Problem? Only one person on the server can do it at a time. Devs, why?? Dave drew the short straw.

Puzzle one: N, P, S, B, R, T, H. (You had to be there.) Puzzle two: learning symbols on walls. Tests: Bind, Dune, Grass. Planting, shelter, downwind. Burrowing animals, aerate, sand. Luckily Ari, a cute Atreides archaeologist, translated everything—our walking encyclopedia for dummies.

Final test: spin circles to align inner, middle, outer. Then slash your wrists so blood flows through a channel to open the door. Inside: forbidden computers, a vault, an encrypted disk that Ari confiscates “for later.”

Exit: via worm’s butt. Drop to desert floor. Ambush! Ari shoots and distracts half the enemies, runs off. Dave, pinned in a corner, gets cut down twice. He jumps levels, waits for stamina to recharge, but it never does. Rage quit. Bug report filed. Bug report bugged. Chef’s kiss.

Next day Dave redoes it, survives. Later we all clear it too.


Dave the Water Hoarder

Reward: sarcophagi. No more field blood-draining—we could haul bodies back to base and process them like proper eco-friendly murder-hobos.

Myles, repairing The Beast, discovered 10 bodies in its storage. “Why, Dave?”
“Oh, forgot to move them downstairs to the freezer.”

Turns out Dave’s been stockpiling. Forty-two bodies so far. He mutters: “The desert is an endless wonderland of water potential. 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and how many bodies you need to stash before they call you a serial killer.”


Closing Moral

On Dune, worms don’t make soil. They make chaos, trauma, and nudist runs back to base. Dave doesn’t just build bases—he builds basements full of corpses. Craig can’t wash away the gold dragon. Zaph, the only adult, keeps the thopter running.

But at least we’ve got a worm tooth souvenir (Oh, and about that...).