Strap in. Helmets on. Clipboards lost immediately

Last Night’s Recap – Myles Would Forget His Head If It Wasn’t Screwed On

Tonight was one of those nights where the best-laid plans of mice and men almost save you from monumental screwups… but Dave will still find a way to make it worse.

(You misspelt Craig, says Dave.)

The evening’s unofficial anthem was like “Short Term Memory Loss Blues” by Dave Barry, which in hindsight feels less like a joke and more like a medical diagnosis.

Here's our take on that classic:

When you get to a certain stage in life

A certain drop-site junction

When you get to a certain age in life

Plans start to malfunction

You pack for cold, you pack for heat

You pack eleven things you’ll never need

But you know what’s the first thing to go?

I got the mission-planning blues

The mission-planning blues

We brought a cart of everything

Except the things we’d use

Mission-planning blues

I got the short-term— plan

The long-term— excuse

Now where the hell did I put the radar scanner?

Did anyone pack the radar scanner?

Mission-planning blues

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Everyone wanted to know how accurate ChatGPT would be at predicting our adventure after its almost stellar effort the previous week. So let’s get to it.

ChatGPT Prediction: Buffalo Cart Strategy

Sounds good in theory.
Dangerous in Dave-and-Craig hands.

Rating: B+
Mainly because ChatGPT did not predict that we would deliberately change strategy purely to spite it 😊

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Preparation Phase: Planning to Avoid Craig

To avoid forgetting anything, Dave made a list, and Myles perfected it.

To avoid Craig-related issues, Dave and Myles logged in 90 minutes early to get the packing underway.

Dave built a cart and fitted it to the buffalo.
Myles gathered ingredients.
Dave built things.
They packed the cart.

Myles repeatedly asked if it was all going to fit, like a nervous expedition planner who had read exactly one book about doomed Arctic explorers.

Dave assured him the cart could hold 60+ stacks and had a 1.3-tonne weight capacity.

That’s a lot of stuff.

What We Packed (Allegedly)

1 × Buffalo cart

• 1 × Mission board thing
• 3 × Fireplaces
• 5 × Bedrolls
• 500 × Charcoal
• 3 × 100 Wood
• 2 × 200 Fibre
• 2 × Crafting tables (one per outpost + mobile)
• 3 × Oxygen machines
• 4 × Spare oxygen bladders (full)
• 3 × Water filters
• 2 × Water bladders (full)
• 3 × Stone furnaces (one per outpost)
• 4 × Stone ramps
• 11 × Stone pillars
• 28 × Stone flat pieces
• 26 × Stone walls
• 3 × Chests
• 3 × Wooden doors
• 40 × Coal
• 11 × Spiky hedgehogs (for radar defence)
• 10 × Healing concoctions
• 3 × 50 Sulfur
• 3 × 50 Oxite
• 255 × Salt
• 31 × Silica
• 19 × Spoiled meat (don’t ask – spoilers)
• 2 × Wood torches
• 50 × Nails
• 40 × Rope
• 3 × Cupboards

The only thing we didn’t bring was tree sap.
Or possibly that was the only thing we needed.

On double-checking, we discovered we hadn’t packed storage.
Zaph, without comment or judgement, made three cupboards and packed those.

---

Reality Intrudes

It didn’t all fit.

It turns out you can run out of room on a buffalo.

So we made everyone carry their own essentials:
oxygen bladder, water, healing concoctions, bandages, suture kits, torch, ammunition.

To assist, Dave made everyone a small pouch and a medical bag, which absolutely would not be relevant later.

Dave and Myles requisitioned oxygen tanks and canteens from the station.
This worked, so Craig and Zaph immediately did the same.

---

Armour, Mounts, and Regret

Dave upgraded everyone to leather armour, assuring us it would provide better protection against animals and the cold.

Note to self: locate Dave’s armour supplier and kill them, as this cannot possibly be faulty workmanship.

We caught and tamed a buffalo and a horse for Craig to choose from, since his Moa had mysteriously disappeared
(after Myles shot it in the head).

After three hours of building and packing, we slept before setting out.

---

ChatGPT on the Frozen Wasteland Route

Verdict: Correct call, reluctantly.

• Less random aggro

• Fewer “why are there six of these?” moments

• More predictable failure modes

• Blizzards at the worst possible time

• Crevasses will claim at least one mount

• Craig will fall into something and loudly explain how unfair it is

Rating: B+

No one fell into a crevasse.

Dave drove the buffalo and cart into one instead.

No one mentioned giant arctic scorpions.
Or snow leopards.
Or wolves that come in threes and are twice as tough as hyenas.

There were blizzards.

And snow bunnies.

“Watch out, Zaph, you’re being chased by a—”
“A rabbit?” asked Zaph, rolling his eyes.

---

The Cave, the Cure, and the Competent Craig

We found a cave and set up a house.
Unpacked the essentials: furnace, oxygen machine, two campfires, bedrolls, workbench.

We mined all the iron, smelted it, and packed the ingots onto the cart.

We used 40 ingots to make an anvil because we had forgotten to pack one.

Dave complained his toes were cold.

Myles examined him, diagnosed hypothermia and frostbite, and recommended heat bandages.

We did not pack heat bandages.
We also did not know how to make them.

Myles researched, gathered ingredients, and made them.
Treatment effective.
Dave’s limbs were saved.

Craig fed and watered the mounts.

“Who replaced Craig with this helpful person?” asked Dave.

We were low on water when Dave discovered you can melt snow over a campfire.

---

Outposts and the Radar Incident

ChatGPT rated our outpost plan as the smartest idea yet.

Rating: D

It forgot to mention that leaving mounts outside while you cook attracts predators.
Killing predators attracts more predators.

It also forgot to mention that Myles is suffering from memory loss.

As we were cooking, we noticed Myles frantically emptying the cart like a man searching for a contact lens in a sandstorm.

“It’s in here,” he muttered. “It has to be in here.”

“What is?” asked Dave, already knowing the answer and not liking it.

“The radar scanner. Have you seen it?” replied Myles, audibly sweating.

Zaph paused. “Where did you last see it?”

“In my cupboard,” said Myles. “We went to sleep.”

This would have been helpful if that cupboard had not been back at the main base, next to four beds, each with a clearly named cupboard: Craig, Dave, Zaph, and Myles.

Crucially, Myles had renamed his “Myles – Quest”, because it contained the quest item.

The quest item that was not on the list.

“It wasn’t on the list,” Dave yelled, immediately absolving himself of responsibility.

“It’s your fault we left it behind!” Myles panicked, as Craig muttered “Gold Dragon” under his breath like an incantation.

“One job,” Craig said solemnly, carefully inflating the mistake to EPIC proportions. “You had one job.”

Zaph sighed.

“I’ll go back and get it. Don’t leave without me.”

He rode off into a blizzard.

That was the last anyone saw of him…

…until he returned a day later, holding the radar scanner.

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The Rest of the Journey

We left the frozen wastes for the forest.

Built a hut.
Fed and watered animals.
Set up the radar station.
Defended it from wild boar.

Later, near the next mission location, we built a stone house and a wooden barn.

Craig chopped down many trees.
Including one that fell on the barn.

We taught Craig how to fix what he breaks, hoping this would reduce future breakage.

It did not.

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Final Scores

ChatGPT: Solid B
Missed Dave driving into a crevasse, Myles forgetting the radar, Craig nearly dying of dehydration, and Craig being helpful but medically useless.

Achievements Unlocked (According to Us, Not Icarus)

Since Icarus insists we achieved absolutely nothing of value, we were forced to invent our own achievements, which frankly feel more honest.

Dave achieved:

• Unintentional Glaciologist (Fall into a frozen crevasse) – advanced the study of ice formations by personally testing their depth with a fully laden buffalo.

• It’s Cold (Suffer from hypothermia and frostbite) – bravely confirmed that leather armour is not, in fact, winter-rated.

• Fusion (Melting ice for water) – pioneered the radical scientific concept that fire makes snow less solid.

Myles achieved:

• Amazon Shopper (Make gear on the station and have it delivered) – discovered that preparation is easier when someone else does it for you.

• Overthinker (Plan an expedition and still forget stuff) – demonstrated that no amount of planning can overcome forgetting the one critical item.

• Mr Manners (Go a session without swearing) – an achievement so rare it may never be repeated.

Craig achieved:

• Reunited (Find a mount you previously abandoned in a crevasse) – proved that no bad decision is permanent, just temporarily buried in ice.

• Rabbit (Run away from wolves) – showcased an advanced tactical retreat strategy involving panic and speed.

• Flesh Wound (Refuse to bandage a gaping wound until it’s infected and requires multiple courses of antibiotics) – a masterclass in medical noncompliance.

Zaph achieved:

• Bored (Complain about everyone else being so slow) – a passive skill that remains permanently active.

• Predator (Kill everything that moves) – maintained ecological balance by removing it entirely.

• Saviour (Go back for something Myles forgot) – willingly rode into a blizzard to correct someone else’s mistake, and will absolutely remind us of this forever.

And of course…

We’ll be back to do it again next week.