After Action Report
If we had to pick a theme song for this week’s game, it would be “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.”
Not because it was jaunty.
Not because it was appropriate.
But because it lied to us in exactly the way this planet always does.
Myles: “We’re going on a bear hunt.”
Zaph: “We’re going to catch a big one.”
Bear: “I’m not scared, I tapped in my buddy Wolfie to deal with the pesky adventurers.”
You may remember last week, when we got our arses thoroughly kicked by an epic bear… on easy mode.
Easy. Mode.
A humiliation almost rivaling the infamous Gold Dragon Episode, which still gets brought up at inappropriate moments and family gatherings.
So we did the only sensible thing:
We ran away in shame, deleted the evidence, and started again on a brand-new, untamed world on normal difficulty, like the gaming gods intended.
Touchdown: A Study in Immediate Regret
Myles chooses a landing zone. Lands. Starts picking up sticks, like a responsible adult.
Dave lands…
…and is immediately killed by a horse.
Nothing to see here.
Just nature doing its thing.
Dave respawns, finds his body, recovers his sticks and stones, and pretends this is all part of a bold scouting maneuver. Myles and Dave then hide in some rocks to avoid a light rainstorm.
“Hey, my mud armour will dissolve in the rain,” says Dave, apparently surprised by weather.
Dave eventually makes it to Myles’ location, and we begin construction of the Epic 4×4 Wooden Hut, positioned tastefully near a scenic waterfall. This is important, because it will later be destroyed repeatedly.
Reinforcements Arrive (and Immediately Die)
We’ve got most of the floor down, a few wall sections up, and a couple of roof pieces installed when Craig and Zaph join the game.
Craig dies to a little piggy.
Zaph dies trying to get to Craig.
Dave dies trying to get to Craig.
It does not get better than this.
Dave respawns and goes back to building the house, having learned nothing. Zaph respawns and helps Craig, presumably under protest.
Everyone starts chopping trees and picking up rocks. Dave makes a fire to get charcoal, installs a water purifier in the river, and an oxygen machine in the house.
Craig drinks directly from the river and gets dysentery.
Everyone else drinks from the water purifier and does not.
Craig says, and I quote:
“Shit happens, that’s life.”
This becomes a recurring philosophical stance.
Housing, Infrastructure, and Tree-Based Sabotage
The house is finally finished. Dave adds a workbench and a herbal bench.
There is a loud crash.
Part of the roof collapses.
“WHAT THE HELL,” yells Dave, sprinting outside.
A large tree has fallen directly onto the house.
“Craig!” yells Dave.
“What?” says Craig innocently. “It wasn’t me.”
Myles and Zaph watch Craig quietly hiding his axe.
Myles adds a bedroll. Civilization returns. Briefly.
Myles adds a stone furnace. And you know what that means.
Mining: Hope Is a Finite Resource
It’s time to go mining.
Zaph crosses the river.
Dave and Myles search nearby cliffs.
Craig chops down an entire forest, because Craig.
Eventually, we find mines. Dave and Myles hit the motherlode: copper, iron, aluminum, platinum. We mine every bit of iron we can find like goblins on espresso.
Zaph, ever industrious and thinking ahead, builds himself a small hut near his mining operation.
Myles and Dave head back to base to unload iron into the furnace.
In the name of efficiency, we decide to build stone furnaces and transport them to the mines so we can smelt ingots on site. This plan is clever, logical, and therefore doomed.
Craig takes one furnace and heads to Zaph as night falls.
Myles and Dave return to their mine, crafting torches to see in the dark.
And then…
The Spider Incident (a.k.a. Why We Can’t Have Nice Things)
The spiders come out.
Not tiny spiders.
Not polite spiders.
These are bloated, green-speckled abominations, clearly descended from Shelob’s most disappointing children.
If you don’t kill them in one shot, they charge you and tear you apart with their horrifying fanged mouths. And of course, we are armed with stone arrows and bows made of twigs and optimism.
So yes.
You know how this goes.
Incy Wincey spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the adventurers to wash the spiders out.
Incy Wincey spider killed Dave, Zaph, and Dave again.
We execute a strategic withdrawal back to the house as a storm rolls in.
Weather: Also Hostile
It’s a bad storm.
We huddle in the house as torrential rain lashes the walls and lightning cracks in the distance. We frantically craft hammers and start repairing walls mid-storm like medieval interns.
The storm passes.
The house survives.
Zaph heads back to his mine to recover his gear.
His mining hut has burned to the ground.
Lightning?
Spiders?
Insurance fraud?
We may never know.
Domestic Life, Murder, and Trees (Again)
Dave builds an anvil.
Myles adds a fireplace and chimney.
Craig is… doing something. We don’t ask.
Another tree falls on the house.
“CRAIG!” everyone yells.
“It wasn’t me,” says Craig, again hiding his axe.
We go hunting. Dave kills Peter Rabbit and Bambi.
Myles kills Dave’s horse (and yes, he had permission).
We craft water bladders, because hunting is thirsty work.
We craft oxygen bladders, because suffocating sucks.
The Mission: Here We Go Again
At last, the day arrives. Myles installs the mission board and dials it up:
Kill a dangerous creature.
You guessed it.
We are going on a bear hunt.
Dave crafts a cave worm bow, proving he did not waste 70 hours unlocking it. He also makes longbows for Craig and Zaph. Myles is holding out for a crossbow, because standards matter.
This time, with malice aforethought, Myles builds a hunter’s nest surrounded by hedgehogs (no animals were harmed in the making of this fort) to keep the bear at bay.
Myles and Craig head toward the spider cave. Dave gets lost.
“Hey, my compass is broken,” says Dave.
Or maybe he’s just picking berries.
He swims across a river in the wrong direction.
With subtle coordination from Myles:
“No, not that way. Turn around 180. Are you a total idiot???”
Dave eventually floats downstream and rejoins the group.
Meanwhile, back at the house, we have fluffed around so long that Zaph has tamed a horse, built a saddle, and ridden it to meet us.
The Bear That Wasn’t
We arrive on site and start cutting down trees. Every advantage is ours. We know where the bear hangs out. We’re fortified. We’re dug in. We’re wearing bone armour.
Victory is merely a few arrows away.
“We are coming for you, Mr Bear,” says Myles while installing yet another hedgehog. “Be afraid. Very afraid.”
Zaph builds multiple walkways in all directions, because sometimes you need a better angle.
Dave wanders off to scout.
He climbs onto a rock.
“Guys,” says Dave, “I see a small problem.”
The bear… is actually a wolf.
A massive, coal-black, extremely unhappy wolf that casually rips apart a couple of bison just to flex.
Dave plinks it with an arrow.
The wolf growls and charges.
Dave scrambles up a rock, firing wildly.
“GUYS, HELP!”
“I can’t get a shot,” says Zaph. “It’s behind the rock.”
“Stick to the plan!” yells Myles. “Get to the hedgehogs!”
Dave leaps off the rock, heroically risking life and limb, and sprints for the hut with the wolf hot on his heels. He runs up the stairs. The wolf stops to demonstrate dominance by absolutely shredding our hedgehogs, impaling itself in the process.
We pepper it with arrows.
The wolf dies, impaled on a hedgehog, gasping its final breath.
Victory (Shockingly)
We are ecstatic.
Myles’ plan worked.
We will never hear the end of this.
It’s midnight. We call it a night.
Achievement Summary (The Week’s Ledger of Shame and Glory)
Dave achieved:
What Fall Damage (Survive a terrible fall)
Veteran Prospector (Reach the level cap)
Herb Your Enthusiasm (Harvest these plants)
Starstruck (Witness an exotic meteor shower)
Pain in the Bass (Catch a fish with a bow and arrow)
Myles achieved:
Outpost Builder (Build an outpost base using at least 50 pieces)
Craig achieved:
Crushed It (Drop a tree on your house)
Zaph achieved:
Ringleader (Tame 10 creatures)
Veteran Prospector
Sic ’Em (Your tame creature makes a kill)
RIP Mr Kitty (Your pet crosses the rainbow bridge)
Bare Necessities (Unlock all blueprints in T1)
Footnote
It’s not really that unbalanced.
Dave and Zaph did spend a lot of hours on another outpost unlocking cave worm bows.
Craig, meanwhile, unlocked gravity, trees, and consequences.
Spectator mode
Dead on arrival
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