“It’s All Stuff and Nonsense”
We wish—oh how we wish—that this week had a proper theme song.
Something heroic. Something soaring. Something that suggested competence.
Something like:
The right stuff
The right stuffFirst time was a great time
Second time was a blast
Third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts
A montage song. The sort of thing that plays while four capable pioneers crest a ridge in slow motion, silhouetted against the alien sun, confident in their tools, their teamwork, and their collective sense of direction.
Unfortunately, reality arrived with a brick.
What we actually got was:
Fast goes fast (on a Moa)
Slow goes slow (on a buffalo)Alright now, do the low yo yo yo yo
Now do the low yo yo yo yo yo yo
This is not metaphorical. This is a literal description of our travel speed and dignity.
We Did Stuff
We began the evening with a photo op at the site of the Black Wolf slaying, because nothing says “progress” like stopping to commemorate something that already tried to eat us. The wolf was dead. We were alive. Spirits were high. This would not last.
We recovered our hedgehogs for later use, carefully collecting them like tiny, spiny investments for a future problem that absolutely will not be solved cleanly.
We picked berries, an activity that sounds wholesome until you’re standing knee-deep in alien shrubbery wondering why your scout is already halfway to the horizon. At one point, Zaph—who had finished scouting, looting, and mentally planning the next six kilometers—asked Myles what was taking so long.
Myles replied, patiently and correctly:
“I am picking food for my mount.”
Zaph, without missing a beat, responded:
“I am going to call you Dave.”
This was both an insult and a prophecy.
Then we set out on an epic wilderness adventure, immediately demonstrating that none of us had agreed on what “epic” or “together” meant.
Dave crossed the bridge.
Myles followed Dave (fool).
Zaph forded the river, because of course he did.
Craig…
Craig was not present.
No one saw him leave. No one saw him arrive. He simply ceased to exist as a known quantity. Schrödinger’s Craig.
We Learnt Stuff
We learned that houses made of stone are better than houses made of wood, a discovery humanity made several thousand years ago, but which we were delighted to confirm experimentally.
We also learned that Craig will still drop a tree on your house, even when it’s made of stone. Structural integrity does not protect against intent.
We learned that getting stuck in ice crevasses sucks, a lesson Craig learned personally, intimately, and repeatedly. Asking him was not necessary; he volunteered the information loudly.
We learned that it gets cold out in the frozen wastelands, and that hypothermia is, in fact, a thing. A rude thing. A very persistent thing.
We learned that there are packs of wolves that come in six and that they like to snack on Dave’s buffalo, which Dave definitely noticed and absolutely took personally.
We learned that Craig does not take care of his ride, preferring instead to walk really slowly while picking up sticks, like an NPC with a tragic backstory and no quest marker.
We learned that no matter how many times you tell Craig to drink and eat to avoid dying, he will still drop dead and then blame everyone else. It’s like he tunes out the moment Dave starts talking, which—if we’re being honest—might be a survival mechanism that has backfired.
And finally, we learned that we were not the only people complaining about spiders. Tonight’s patch pretty much removed them entirely. This was discovered after we spent the entire night with Myles asking, repeatedly and with growing suspicion, why no spiders were spawning near the caves we were mining.
Somewhere, a developer smiled.
We Built Stuff
We built a stone house, because we are nothing if not optimistic.
We built campfires to huddle around and thaw our frozen limbs, forming little circles of warmth and regret across the wasteland.
We built a hut near a mining outpost that was so small that Dave looked at it, sighed, and built everything in a cave instead, which honestly says more about Dave than the hut.
We built a stone forge and an anvil so we could repair our mining tools and our sense of purpose.
We built a water filtration system, which Craig actually used. This is true. This happened. It is documented. You really can lead a Craig to water and make him drink.
We Achieved… Not Much
Dave achieved: nothing.
No, really. There was nothing new to learn. Or Dave did nothing. Your pick.
Myles achieved:
Makeshift Engineering (alter an item)
Lightbulb Moment (Fix Dave’s spaghetti wiring mess)
Craig achieved:
Bear Necessities (unlock all blueprints in T1)
Pain in the Bass (catch a fish with a bow and arrow, because Craig cannot do anything normally)
Zaph achieved: nothing as well.
Stop copying Dave.
Looking Ahead
Next week, we will attempt a long haul through the wilderness, hoping—hoping—to get home without going through the frozen wastelands again.
Picture it:
Jim Bowie.
Davy Crockett.
But armed with stone tools, broken bows, and absolutely no sense of direction.
Or, to use a more culturally accurate analogy:
Burke.
Wills.
And Craig.
One of these expeditions famously did not end well.
History, as always, watches with interest.
