Bad Moon Rising in Arakas

Dave watched in despair as his brand-new, freshly painted, snazzy light machine gun — a gift from Craig, no less — slid down the gullet of a Sand Worm. The worm didn’t even chew. It just swallowed his pride, his dignity, and all his worldly possessions in one undignified gulp.

But, as all tragedies must, this one had a prologue.

The Brute 2: A Short-Lived Legacy

Earlier that evening, Dave had just finished applying a fresh red coat of paint to The Brute 2. The Brute 1, of course, had already been swallowed by a worm (worms being the universe’s preferred method of recycling Dave’s hardware). The guys logged in for our weekly Dune adventure, and Dave proudly rolled out his freshly lacquered tank-on-wings, still smelling of new paint and overconfidence.

Zaph flew back from Arakeen just in time to pick up a distress call. Dave, of course, also heard it, and before anyone could talk about coordination or planning, we were all crammed into scout thopters on our way to investigate.

We found survivors at the wreck. They wanted help — specifically from Dave and Zaph. For reasons lost to history (and basic hygiene standards), they wanted nothing to do with Craig or myself. Solidarity being our strongest suit, we left them to die in the desert and headed off to Arakeen for the usual: Atreides gossip, poisoning a bloke, casual treachery.

Dave Passes the Morality Test (Alone)

In Arakeen, Zaph, Craig, and I cheerfully handed over poisoned wine, waving the poor fool off with a hearty “Bottoms up!” Dave, however, refused. Turns out, it was a test. Dave passed. The rest of us — self-styled “merry murderers” — failed miserably and are now forever paused on that quest.

Undeterred, we hit the new job board: acted as bouncers, eliminated a blackmailer, and ensured that a very snooty wedding went ahead without hitch or corpse.

The Atreides spymaster then handed us a new task: track down the traitor poisoning the spice. Off we went into a new basin, Craig only dying twice — which frankly counts as restraint. We found an audio recording, lots of bodies, and eventually the traitor himself. Mortally wounded, he managed to gasp out that another poisoned shipment awaited on a crashed ship in the deep desert.

Hazmat Chic

Back to Arakeen via Uber Thopter. Then, on the spymaster’s request, another Uber to base so we could whip up radiation suits and iodine pills for our trek into the high-rad zone.

At the crossroads, we disembarked and hiked south. Everyone popped their pills like good little mentats. Craig rushed ahead, promptly died, and was left smouldering in the sand like an object lesson.

Inside the wreck, we found the poisoned spice. But as we prepared to leave, a sandstorm pinned us down, huddled inside the metal carcass, debating which would kill us first: radiation, worms, or boredom.

Dave, Fashion Icon

Back in Arakeen, Dave flatly refused to be seen in public wearing his chunky, unstylish hazmat suit. So he ran around in his underwear instead. Naturally, this was the exact moment the Atreides spymaster introduced us to Duke Leto.

So yes, Dave made his royal debut in his invisible finest. If the Duke noticed, he was too polite to mention it. (Or perhaps he simply assumed it was some obscure Bene Gesserit ritual.)

The reward? Dave got to buy a mountain of base decorations and a matching Atreides paint job for our thopters. Nothing says loyalty like tasteful drapes.

Dinner With the Glutton

Next stop: a dinner date with the Glutton. His food needed poisoning. We took The Beast out to the basin, dropped Dave off, and discovered — surprise! — this was another solo instance.

The rest of us immediately buggered off with The Beast to help Zaph with another quest, while Dave went full Iron Chef Assassin. He poisoned the butcher’s table, got into a running gunfight with the Glutton, and actually survived. Triumphantly, he staggered outside… only to discover his “friends” had nicked the ride.

Dave Walks Home (Straight Into Doom)

“No problem,” Dave thought. “I’ll just unpack my scout thopter.”

Unfortunately, he’d forgotten to pack it.

The base was close enough, though. Practically walking distance. Just one stretch of sand between two quicksand pits. What could go wrong?

Halfway across, worm sign. Dave dashed. Worm sign turned red. He ran. Cooldown on dash ticking down. He heard the breach. The ground split. The sky fell silent.

Cooldown hit zero. He dashed. Straight down the worm’s throat.

Epilogue: All Swallowed Up

Which brings us back to where we began: Dave watching his beloved light machine gun — a gift from Craig, no less — vanish forever into the digestive tract of a sandworm. Along with his backpack, weapons, armour, gear, and the shiny new melee weapon he’d just looted off the Glutton.

It was, in the grand history of our group’s misadventures, a perfectly Dave way to end the night.

🎬 CREDITS — BAD MOON RISING IN ARAKAS 🎬

Starring

Dave … As Himself: Worm Hors d’Oeuvre Extraordinaire

(“Fashionably Late, Fashionably Underwear”)
Zaph … The Reluctant Uber Driver

(“Shoots straight, leaves friends stranded”)
Myles … Mentat of Maps & Messes

(“Still trying to run this group like an actual operation”)
Craig … The Chaos Engine

(“Died twice, learned nothing, stole the ride”)

Special Appearances By:

The Brute 2 … as Soon-to-Be Worm Chow
The Glutton … as Dinner Guest Who Didn’t Survive Dessert
The Sandworm … as Best Supporting Digestive System

Costume Design

Dave’s Underpants (sponsored by Atreides Housewares™)

Props Department

Craig’s Generously Gifted Light Machine Gun (now unavailable)

Transportation

The Beast (leaving without you since 2025)

Tagline:

“When the Bad Moon Rises, No One is Safe — Especially Dave.”

🎞️ NEXT WEEK ON… BAD MOON RISING IN ARAKAS 🎞️

In a world… where patience is optional, thopters are expendable, and radiation is just “spicy air”…

Witness Dave’s daring new strategy: “If the worms can’t see me, maybe they won’t eat me!” Spoiler: They can. And they will.
Craig attempts to read an instruction manual. Chaos ensues. Property values plummet. Worms rejoice.
Zaph, tired of being the designated Uber pilot, finally snaps: “This is not a taxi service!” … and promptly strands us all in the desert. Again.
Myles, armed with maps, flowcharts, and infinite exasperation, tries to herd the group into one coherent plan. The attempt is described by historians as “tragic but inevitable.”

PLUS: A mysterious shipment of spice, a thopter chase through the canyon of certain doom, and the return of Dave’s greatest nemesis yet— basic geometry.