How to Borrow Your Friend's D&D Character and Nearly Get Eaten by a Beholder

 

Ah, yes. The intrepid band of would-be heroes: Zaph, Dave, Craig, and Myles, faced with the dilemma of an unexpectedly vacant Friday night. It's akin to a group of philosophers finding themselves without an existential crisis: disorienting and just a bit irresponsible.

Zaph and Craig couldn't make it, presumably off saving actual worlds. So, they casually passed us the metaphoric keys to their digital Ferraris, in much the same way that a cat entrusts you with its dinner, with an implied, "Don't mess it up." The mission was simple: rid the realm of a pestering goblin camp. With arrows nocked and spells charged, we did so with the elegance of a ballet dance and the subtlety of a bull in a china shop.

But then, behold, the night was still a babe, and curiosity got the best of us. What was behind door number three? What's at the bottom of the rope ladder? A treasure chest? A secret admirer? No. We found ourselves in the very bowels of the Underdark, standing in a keep at the precipice of a chasm filled with more gloom than a room full of teenagers.

And there it was, a level 5 mini-beholder. Or should I say, "beholding us"? The good news? We were safely barricaded behind iron grills, as snug as kittens in a bed of yarn. So, we began our brand of guerilla archery. Not content with our advantage, the beholder upped its game by reanimating Drow minions. Ah, but arrows are the great emancipators! Freed from beholderly oppression, the Drow, confused and purposeless, started pulling their weight for once.

It was all going swimmingly until the beholder did something unexpected—it hovered upwards. Ah yes, the Z-axis. A classic oversight in a world that typically confines evil to a horizontal plane.

Now, beholders hovering upward is not something one finds in manuals or Etiquette for Encountering Eyeballs, but it's an indelible lesson now. On its last gasp, the creature floated through the window. One final volley of arrows, a sprinkle of magic, and down it went. Our characters were a little worse for wear, but that's what healing potions are for— the fantasy equivalent of band-aids and aspirin.

So, the lesson here? The next time you're given the keys to someone else's character, remember: the road less traveled might just lead you into the maw of a vertically-mobile floating eyeball. Always bring extra arrows.