The official account of the evening, subject to correction by anyone who was conscious, paying attention, or not Craig.
Before beginning, the Historical Records Department should acknowledge the existence of a competing account of these events.
According to Craig, he saved the day, pickpocketed a dragon, made muffins, and returned to base for lashes of ginger beer, where he was hailed as the best leader and an all-round great guy.
This account has several weaknesses.
There was no dragon.
There were no muffins.
Nobody saw any ginger beer.
And the question of Craig’s leadership remains before the tribunal.
Still, eyewitness testimony is notoriously unreliable, particularly when the eyewitness has spent the evening wiring several megawatts of electricity into an illuminated walkway up the side of a mountain. Craig’s version has therefore been retained in the archive under Historical Fiction: Aspirational.
The following is what actually happened.
Waiting for Zaph
Myles, Craig and Dave sat around at Craig’s hut at the lake mining outpost, waiting for rescue.
This was not a dramatic hut. It did not stand defiantly against an apocalyptic sunset while trumpets played and battered survivors gazed towards the horizon. It was simply Craig’s hut, which meant it had probably been extended in at least one direction without planning permission and contained structural decisions that made sense only when viewed through the wrong end of a telescope.
Zaph was coming to rescue them.
This took more than five minutes because Zaph had to ride across most of the planet to get there.
In CCF terms, five minutes is a dangerously long period. It is long enough for Dave to discover an unattended side quest, Myles to begin writing a procedure, or Craig to invent civil engineering.
Craig became bored, so he built another storey on the house.
Because Craig.
No structural assessment was conducted. No additional foundations were installed. No one had requested another floor. Somewhere deep inside Craig’s mind, however, a council planning permit had been stamped APPROVED, probably by Craig.
Myles became bored, so he made a list explaining the group’s latest escapade to Zaph, who had not read the previous week’s blog.
This was less immediately dangerous than Craig’s construction work, although it carried the risk of Zaph discovering precisely how much had gone wrong while he was absent.
Dave also became bored.
Dave wandered off to see how things were progressing at the mining camp.
This was the point at which boredom ceased being a temporary emotional state and became an operational hazard.
At the camp, Dave stopped to inspect the defensive hedgehogs. They needed repairs. Fortunately, Dave had a hammer and happily began working on them, surrounded by the calm satisfaction of a man performing useful maintenance.
Unfortunately, he had not noticed that the two Quarrite tunnels he had closed the previous week had reopened.
The first Quarrite emerged over the ridge and rolled up to investigate who was making all the racket.
The answer was Dave.
It is frequently Dave.
Over the radio came the sudden hiss of communication.
“Pssht!! – Hey Myles, why aren’t the turrets firing?” asked Dave. “Are they out of ammo?”
“No,” Myles replied, “I turned them off to save fuel.”
“Well, that sucks,” said Dave over the sound of sporadic gunfire.
Myles looked around the hut.
Why was Dave using the radio when he had only just been outside?
Myles grabbed the handset.
“Dave – where the f#$k are you Dave? What have you done Dave?”
“Little busy here – can’t talk,” Dave replied over the sound of gunfire and Quarrite roaring.
Myles grabbed his gun and ran down the hill, screaming at Dave.
“I can’t leave you alone for 5 minutes, WTF Dave?”
This was technically inaccurate. Myles had left Dave alone for substantially less than five minutes. Dave had simply used those minutes with remarkable efficiency.
Nearby, Stripes rolled his eyes and shook his head.
Humans!! he thought. Never a dull moment.
Patch snickered.
It is worth noting that neither zebra has ever claimed to have pickpocketed a dragon. Their statements are therefore considered more credible than Craig’s.
Zaph Arrives
Eventually, Zaph arrived carrying a spare generator and fuel.
He had crossed the planet to rescue three experienced players from a situation caused by one of them becoming bored beside a hammer. This is the sort of thing Zaph accepts without comment, partly because he is a good friend and partly because he knows ammunition is more effective than counselling.
Myles delivered the briefing while Dave sat in the naughty corner.
Things were better organised this time.
This is a phrase CCF uses when the ammunition has been counted and nobody is currently on fire.
Myles powered up the second turret. Zaph took up an overwatch position. Dave returned to the tunnels and closed both of them again.
No worms joined the fight.
There were, however, bitey piranha in the river, which happily fed on Dave while he attempted to close one of the tunnels. Dave continued working, presumably on the basis that blood loss is simply another form of resource expenditure.
Zaph slipped past the fighting and closed the third tunnel.
The area was secure.
Again.
For the moment.
Operation: Save the Miners, Revisited
The group now had to search the camp for survivors.
Given the number of worms and Quarrite they had killed in and around the settlement, the idea that anyone remained alive seemed optimistic. The camp had spent the previous week functioning as a combined mineral extraction facility, battlefield and Quarrite buffet.
While Craig repaired the miners’ hut, the others searched the area.
Craig’s reconstruction work may explain how muffins entered his later account. A damaged support beam, viewed at the correct angle and with sufficient imagination, can apparently resemble a tray of baked goods.
The search uncovered two survivors: Biggs and Wedge.
This was possibly a developer gag referencing Biggs Darklighter and Wedge Antilles from Star Wars, although unlike their cinematic namesakes, these two had survived by lying injured in a hut while four confused contractors argued over medical supplies.
Myles brought out the Heal Device and scanned their injuries.
The diagnosis was straightforward.
One had a concussion. The other had a broken leg. Unfortunately, the group had not packed every possible medication, and paste could not be used for the required treatment.
This meant they had to build a medicine bench to manufacture tonics.
On Icarus, emergency medicine follows the same broad process as assembling flat-pack furniture. First, identify the injured person. Then discover the required item is unavailable. Then construct an entire industrial workstation from local timber, iron and whatever Dave has been carrying since Tuesday.
Once the tonics were produced, the concussion and broken leg were treated.
Biggs and Wedge were placed into stasis bags and shipped into space.
No discharge paperwork was completed.
The Traditional Post-Rescue Looting
With the miners safely dispatched, the group paused to assess the situation and steal everything that was not nailed down.
This is known as the CCF humanitarian phase.
Several problems became immediately apparent.
The sneaky developers had fixed the bag-sorting weight bug. Dave was now encumbered. Stripes was encumbered. Dave had to throw things away.
This was a traumatic development.
Dave does not throw resources away. Dave retains resources against a distant future need that may arise in a hypothetical expansion during the next geological epoch.
Somewhere among his possessions was almost certainly a piece of bark he had collected eighteen missions earlier because it “might be useful for alchemy.”
Dave was also out of rifle ammunition. He could not pick anything else up, and his gear needed repairs.
Craig was out of shotgun shells.
Myles’s equipment also needed repairs.
The group was also down one turret.
Myles had turned the turrets off again to conserve fuel. While everyone searched for the miners, wild animals had wandered into camp and eaten one.
There are few phrases that summarise Icarus quite as efficiently as the animals ate the automated gun emplacement.
Dave suggested returning to base.
Zaph, who had only just arrived, still had plenty of ammunition. His equipment was shiny. He was not encumbered. He suggested completing the next mission before returning.
This was the difference between the two strategic positions:
Dave represented the tired, battered and overloaded majority.
Zaph represented fresh legs, loaded weapons and optimism.
Optimism narrowly survived the initial discussion.
Operation: What Is the Best Way to Kill Quarrite?
The laboratory researchers in space wanted to know the best way to kill Quarrite.
Apparently, the mountain of dead Quarrite surrounding the mining camp had not provided sufficient data. Science required controlled experimentation, documented methodology and several volunteers standing dangerously close to explosives.
The researchers supplied some specialised equipment:
Poison arrows
A pickaxe
Hand grenades
The mission required the group to kill Quarrite using:
Projectiles
Poison
A pickaxe
Explosives
Patch and Stripes pointed out that the best way to kill a Quarrite was with a zebra.
Their proposal was not included in the official trial, presumably because the scientists feared discovering that the most advanced weapons platform on Icarus was an irritated striped herbivore.
After a heated discussion, Zaph was outvoted.
Myles abstained.
The group headed back to base.
The return journey went extremely well for approximately forty feet.
As they entered the pass, they found a Quarrite tunnel and an angry Quarrite.
Projectiles
Projectiles worked.
Dave executed a hasty retreat while Zaph shot the Quarrite dead.
The scientific method had begun with an encouraging result: bullets remained effective.
Explosives
Explosives were more complicated.
Another Quarrite climbed out of the tunnel.
Zaph threw a grenade.
Nothing happened.
The grenade appeared to be a dud.
Zaph ran around dodging the Quarrite. The dud then reconsidered its career choices and exploded, killing Zaph.
The Quarrite, cheated of its intended victim, attacked Zaph’s horse, Mr Speedy.
Dave ran in, mounted Mr Speedy and rode him back towards Craig’s house.
This rescued the horse.
It also lured the Quarrite directly onto Myles and Craig.
Dave’s tactical manoeuvre was therefore a complete success, provided the objective was defined as save the horse and redistribute the monster.
With Mr Speedy safe, the group killed the Quarrite and rescued Zaph.
Craig closed the tunnel.
In Craig’s alternative report, this may be the section where he saved the day. The dragon remains unaccounted for.
The group held another vote.
All the mounts voted to return to base.
Zaph lost.
They set off again.
Dave paused several times to mine sulphur and made a side trip to the lake to collect more from the mine because the group was going to need a large quantity of gunpowder.
This was perfectly sensible.
It was also the kind of perfectly sensible detour that makes a return journey take forty-seven minutes longer than expected.
Preparing for Science
Eventually, everyone reached the house and began preparing for the mission.
Dave made cave-worm arrows, which were a significant improvement over the poison arrows supplied from space.
The orbital scientists had presumably developed their ammunition under controlled conditions. Dave had developed his by harvesting venom from underground horrors and attaching it to sticks.
Naturally, Dave’s version was better.
Zaph inspected his new pickaxe, which was designed to break armour.
Myles manufactured ammunition and bullets.
Craig was nowhere to be seen.
The group worked through the night.
Then the power went out.
“Craig!!!” yelled Dave.
“It’s not my fault; why does everyone always blame me??” Craig replied.
This was an excellent question in the same sense that “Why is the carpet wet?” is an excellent question when asked by someone holding an empty aquarium.
Dave inspected the power grid.
The batteries were completely drained.
There would be no more work that night.
In the morning, Craig proudly showed Myles his latest project.
He had run a power cable from the house to the mountain and up his walkway of death.
The walkway now had lights.
This was not a short walkway. It climbed the mountainside as an illuminated monument to poor prioritisation. While everyone else had been manufacturing ammunition, medicine and defensive equipment, Craig had apparently decided the planet required a scenic nocturnal promenade.
The group promptly disconnected it so the batteries could recharge.
Craig’s claim that he was later hailed as “the best leader and all around great guy” has been difficult to reconcile with the electrical records.
An Ominous Development
What was new on Icarus that week?
Apparently, the developers had concluded that the game did not contain enough opportunities for misery and mayhem.
They had added grenade launchers.
Dave breathed a sigh of relief.
The grenade-launcher information had been buried deep in the release notes, and everyone knew Craig did not read release notes.
The secret was safe.
For several moments.
Dave leaned over Stripes’ saddle and said, “Craig, I hear you know how to make Grenade Launchers. I want one.”
Stripes rolled his eyes, shook his head and stamped a hoof.
Dave translated.
“No, request denied.”
“I must have a grenade launcher,” Craig reiterated.
“No,” reiterated Dave. “Which bit are you having trouble with? The N or the O?”
Despite this sensible and democratically endorsed refusal, a grenade launcher could potentially solve Zaph’s close-range explosive problem.
Zaph therefore began manufacturing the launcher and its grenades.
Craig, significantly, did not receive one.
Civilisation endured.
Finishing the Quarrite Experiments
While the launcher and ammunition were being produced, Zaph went out to complete the scientific mission.
Pickaxe
The pickaxe was not especially effective.
Zaph attempted to kill a Quarrite with it, but the Quarrite was winning, so he called for assistance.
This was not a failure of the pickaxe as an armour-breaking device. It was merely evidence that breaking armour and surviving long enough to finish the job are separate engineering requirements.
Poison
Dave grabbed his bow and cave-worm arrows and ran up the hill to help Zaph.
Eight arrows later, poison worked.
It was simply a little slow.
The Quarrite had enough time to reconsider several life decisions before finally succumbing.
Pickaxe, Take Two
Another Quarrite approached.
The group shot the crap out of that sucker.
When it was on its final breath, they hit it with the pickaxe.
Science recorded this as a pickaxe kill.
Science has always benefited from carefully chosen definitions.
Explosives, Take Two
The next Quarrite was shit out of luck.
The group now understood the process.
They shot the sucker until it was almost dead. Zaph threw a grenade. This grenade worked, and explosives were officially confirmed as effective.
The laboratory researchers voted explosives the winner.
The group considered explosives a little risky and voted for projectiles.
The Quarrite could not be reached for comment.
Don’t We Have Three Zebras?
At this point, Stripes and Patch had received considerable attention.
An obvious question remained.
What had Craig named his zebra?
He named it Crossing.
All the other zebras laughed at Crossing and wondered what he had done in a previous life to deserve Craig.
Crossing declined to discuss the issue publicly.
Operation: Research Quarrite Armour
The next request arrived from the laboratory researchers.
The group had to travel to the desert, observe Quarrite, and collect samples from several different types of Quarrite armour.
They also needed to establish a Tier 3 outpost.
Dave and Myles began discussing exactly what qualified as a Tier 3 outpost.
Zaph immediately set out for the destination.
This was Zaph’s attempt to short-circuit the developers’ traditional joke, where players arrive at a remote mission site only to be told they require fourteen pieces of equipment they did not bring.
Dave packed the grenade launcher and fifteen impact grenades for Zaph.
Zaph quickly reached the designated location.
It was the lakehouse where the group had rescued the zebras during a previous mission.
Stripes, Patch and Crossing were going home.
Crossing’s homecoming was no doubt emotionally complicated. He had escaped the wilderness only to be claimed by Craig and named after a road sign.
It turned out that a Tier 3 outpost was fairly basic. It required:
A hut
Four beds
An oxite dissolver
A machining bench
A biofuel bio-cleaning device
By the time Dave, Craig and Myles had unpacked everything they did not need and repacked for the journey, Zaph had already built the hut.
The biocleaner required research because the group had never built one.
There are chores, and then there is cleaning.
A little dust, grime and blood is considerably better than cleaning.
Nevertheless, the machine was researched, constructed and packed.
The others set out.
After what felt like an hour, they finally joined Zaph.
The required equipment was installed, and the mission objectives updated.
The group now had to kill and skin four different types of Quarrite:
Oxite Quarrite
Copper Quarrite
Iron Quarrite
Gold Quarrite
For once, the group had remembered all the necessary equipment.
They had binoculars.
They had grenades.
They had skinning knives.
They had a grenade launcher.
This last item was about to become the dominant feature of the evening.
Zaph Discovers Indirect Fire
Zaph unpacked the new grenade launcher and went to a nearby Quarrite nest to practise.
The weapon was not as simple as it appeared.
It was a crude, single-shot launcher. It fired in an arc. Its projectile travelled slowly enough to permit reflection, regret and an abbreviated final prayer.
There was also the persistent problem of targets being too close for comfort.
The practice session ended with the group rescuing Zaph.
Again.
There followed a period of practical field testing, during which the grenade launcher demonstrated both its enormous potential and its relaxed attitude towards identifying allies.
The final results were as follows:
Zaph killed Craig with a grenade.
Zaph almost killed Dave with a grenade.
Zaph killed several Quarrite with grenades.
Zaph killed a Quarrite and closed its tunnel with a single grenade.
After this last result, Zaph declared the grenade launcher a resounding success.
Dave declared it a resource-hungry way to get the job done.
Both statements were correct.
Zaph’s conclusion measured efficiency in explosions.
Dave’s conclusion measured the sulphur bill.
The group eventually collected all the required armour samples and shipped them into space.
The researchers received their Quarrite armour.
The zebras survived.
Craig’s muffins remained hypothetical.
Tonight’s Campfire Song, by Dave
Dave concluded the expedition with a campfire song.
The original performance appeared to draw inspiration from an existing tune, so the official record has reconstructed it into something more specifically suited to Icarus, Dave and the unexplained economics of the local coffee trade.
When darkness settles on Winchester town,
And sensible people have all bedded down,
Dave saddles his zebra and sorts through the crop,
Then remembers some sulphur he simply must stop for.He rides for the merchant with packs overloaded,
His rifle needs bullets, his armour’s corroded.
Yet somewhere ahead, through the cold and the fog,
Someone is turning good coffee to gold.
There were no reports of ginger beer accompanying the performance.
Did We Learn or Achieve Anything?
We learnt several important lessons.
Dave bored is dangerous.
An idle Dave does not remain idle. He repairs something, which leads him somewhere else, where he discovers a tunnel, a cave, a reagent or an unattended catastrophe.
When the power goes out, despite the denials, it is Craig’s fault.
This is not prejudice. It is pattern recognition supported by grid telemetry.
Turrets that aren’t turned on are useless.
They are also vulnerable to being eaten.
Close only counts with nuclear weapons and hand grenades.
Unfortunately, hand grenades also count when they land near Zaph.
Nailguns, despite the word “gun” in the name, are not guns.
This lesson presumably emerged during one of the evening’s quieter moments, although on Icarus, “quieter” means nobody is actively being consumed by the landscape.
There were also achievements.
Dave achieved – WTF Dave
Self-explanatory, really.
Handy
Create a portable battery.
Presumably one not connected to Craig’s mountain lighting project.
Myles achieved – Pointless
Bring turrets, but never turn them on.
The turret eaten by wildlife was unavailable for the awards ceremony.
Craig achieved – Lights Out
Drain 12 MW of battery on a vanity project.
The walkway looked very nice.
Briefly.
From space.
Zaph achieved – Short Fuse
Kill yourself with a grenade.
This achievement was earned before Zaph had even been given the grenade launcher, demonstrating an admirable commitment to professional development.
And thus the expedition ended.
The miners had been rescued. The Quarrite had been shot, poisoned, picked, exploded, skinned and shipped in pieces to scientists. The zebras had returned home. The turret had been eaten. The batteries had been drained. Craig had been killed by Zaph, and Zaph had been killed by himself.
No dragon was pickpocketed.
No muffins were produced.
No ginger beer was consumed.
Craig was not hailed as leader.
But his walkway had lights, and for one brief, glorious night, the side of the mountain shone like a beacon warning future generations not to leave Craig alone with the electrical grid.
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