Ah, Paris! The city of love, art, and people charging you €6 for a croissant. While I was busy trying to convince French waiters that, yes, I did mean to order snails and not just make a terrible mistake, the rest of you were busy constructing some sort of architectural abomination on a snowy mountaintop. This blog could really just be titled “What Did Craig Build This Week?” but that wouldn’t do justice to Dave and Zaph’s contributions to the chaos—nor, I suppose, to Craig’s… unique flair.
So, what did I miss while dining on overpriced baguettes and debating the merits of tiny coffees? Let’s recap:
1. Snowball Fiasco: Artistry Eludes the Mouseketeers
The journey began with the three of you scaling the mountains behind Spider House. Because what better way to spend a perfectly good gaming session than climbing through ice, digging through snow, and pretending this would somehow lead to something useful? Spoiler: it didn’t.
Dave, Zaph, and Craig learned how to make snowballs. Or rather, they learned how to make snowballs but couldn’t actually make any. I’m unclear on whether this was due to in-game physics, a lack of coordination, or the cruel whims of an uncaring digital universe, but I’m relieved to know you spent valuable time struggling with this. Truly, the snowball revolution of 2024 is right around the corner.
2. Craig Builds the Stairway to Heaven (and Beyond)
Next came the construction project that no one asked for, but everyone should have seen coming. Craig, unsatisfied with mere mountaintop glory, decided to build his very own Stairway to Heaven. Using red marble (of course it was red marble) and glow strips, he added a launching pad that was less “practical gliding platform” and more “luxury ski resort.” This masterpiece included a bonfire, a bed, and even a chair to sit in while contemplating how much higher he could build.
To Craig’s credit, this setup did provide some functionality. The three of you launched yourselves into the air to see how far you could glide, which led to the inevitable:
- Zaph made it all the way to a distant fast travel tower, because Zaph always lands his glider like he’s filming a commercial for “Precision Adventurers, Inc.”
- Dave, being Dave, ran out of stamina 100 meters short and plummeted to his death in what I can only assume was a perfect swan dive into tragedy.
- Craig, presumably, just stayed behind to add decorative lighting to the platform or carve his initials into the snow.
3. Exploring Crypts, Reuniting Families, and Shroud Mushrooms (Again)
Once Dave was dusted off and resurrected (again), the group decided to set their sights on loftier goals: mapping unexplored terrain and discovering new wonders. This went surprisingly well—at least until it didn’t.
You uncovered five new shroud mushrooms. Five. I’m not even there, and I can feel the irritation already. Why do we always find these things when I’m not around? Don’t think I didn’t notice the ominous “needed to be disposed of when Myles got back” note. Translation: Myles, come deal with this while we do something less painful.
You explored a crypt and a tomb, which I’m sure involved the usual amount of torch-lit bickering and Craig trying to loot the skeletons for “vintage boots.” You also reunited the smith with his daughter, which—shockingly—sounded like a genuinely heartwarming moment. Don’t worry, I’ll assume Craig tried to charge them both rent on the reunion location.
You discovered a burial site deep in the shroud but wisely decided to wait for me and my floating skulls before proceeding. Smart choice. Without my skull minions, you’re basically a herd of mildly capable mountain goats with a flair for catastrophe.
4. Zaph’s Gravity Experiment
At some point, Zaph decided to test his skill in bow-shooting while floating. Note that I said “test” his skill, not use his skill—because, as it turns out, Zaph hadn’t actually learned how to float-shoot yet. This epiphany occurred mid-plummet as Zaph’s pixelated body hurtled toward the ground like a majestic but very confused anvil.
5. Dave’s Dastardly Plan: Operation OHS Sabotage
While all this was going on, Dave was quietly orchestrating a long game. In what I can only assume was a fit of snow-fueled mischief, Dave distracted Craig with the Stairway to Heaven project just long enough to bury the entrance to Craig’s Deathtrap. (For the uninitiated, “Craig’s Deathtrap” is a legendary hole in the ground that violates every conceivable occupational health and safety standard.)
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Shouldn’t Craig have noticed? But let’s be honest, Craig was busy installing a bonfire and debating whether he needed glow-in-the-dark bunting for his launchpad. Well played, Dave. Well played.
6. Central Air-Con: The Snow Must Flow
And then, in the spirit of truly baffling priorities, Dave decided to air-condition Spider House. He filled the place with snow—because nothing says “homey adventurer’s retreat” like subzero temperatures in the living room. Even the animal pens weren’t spared. Somewhere, I’m sure the goats were bleating, “Why are we still here? Just to suffer?”
7. Chores: Because Even Heroes Need Bacon
The evening wrapped up with a round of chores: harvesting crops, slaughtering goats, and wistfully dreaming about bacon. Apparently, taming pigs for a proper breakfast has now become a group goal. Because nothing screams “mighty adventurers” like the phrase, “We really need pigs for bacon.”
8. Craig Saves Everyone… Allegedly
Finally, there’s the obligatory “Craig saved us all” claim. Craig, of course, will insist he came to the group’s rescue in some unspecified and heroic way. Zaph and Dave, on the other hand, vehemently deny this ever happened. I wasn’t there, so I’ll leave it to history to decide. But let’s be real: if Craig saved the day, he probably also ruined it five minutes later by digging into the air-con snow and falling in a hole.
Final Thoughts
While I’ve been soaking up Parisian culture, you’ve been scaling mountains, dying gloriously, and building the most impractical launchpad in gaming history. Honestly, I’m impressed. And mildly horrified. But mostly impressed.
P.S. I’ll deal with the shroud mushrooms when I’m back, but I’m not happy about it.
Yours in baguettes and bafflement,
Myles
