Last night’s recap – Let there be light – many trees were burnt to the ground in this week’s session, and many polar bears snuffed it.
Which, in hindsight, should have been the first warning that our interpretation of “electricity” would skew less toward “civilised infrastructure” and more toward “biblical smiting with incidental forestry damage.”
The Grand Vision: Electricity (In Theory)
Tonight's key objective was to bring electricity to our home, and power some sophisticated machinery to make composites so Myles could upgrade our communications tower to unlock some new projects.
A noble goal. A sensible goal. A goal befitting a group of seasoned professionals with decades of combined experience.
Naturally, this is not what happened.
When Dave Said “Let There Be Light”
When Dave said tonight's project was to let there be light, everyone took it a bit literally:
Zaph ran around in a thunder storm and was hit by lightning, and set on fire
Myles installed a standing torch next to the advanced textile workbench and set the bench on fire. Luckily the house was stone, so only the bench burned. And yes we blamed Craig
When Zaph asks for help to repair a wooden house at a mining site, Craig thinks the biggest help would be to burn the thing down and start from scratch – so he burnt it to the ground,with his flamethrower and set the forest and himself on fire
There are, broadly speaking, two kinds of people in the world: those who interpret “bring light” as “install infrastructure,” and Craig.
Craig, it turns out, interprets it as “become the infrastructure.”
The Craig-Free Golden Age
We kicked off an early session without Craig to do all the scut work around the house – move the fish traps, build a composter, add a power room over the lake, farm crops to sell to the trader, some mining, cook food, feed and water the animals, making various precursor components for the machinery to make the composites.
It was, for a brief and shining moment, what historians might call functional civilisation.
No fires.
No unexplained structural collapses.
No one screaming while engulfed in flames.
We achieved more in that window than in several previous sessions combined, which is statistically interesting and deeply concerning.
Polar Bears: A Study in Applied Ballistics
We did a mission to find exotics in the frozen waste, before you ask, yes, that frozen waste, home of the butt-kicking, horse-killing polar bears. The mission involved digging exotics out of a cave, fending off polar bears, then exploring the area to find exotic outcrops – in a hole in the ground, on the side of a rock outcropping, and down in a fissure in the ice. It paid well in cash and exotics.
Zaph had a rifle, and no, you can’t one-shot a polar bear. But he discovered that if you stand far enough back, you can shoot the poor cuddly white bear enough times that you can kill it before it eats you. The horses were very impressed with this discovery. Score Zaph 3 : Polar bears 0
This marks a significant advancement in scientific understanding:
Distance: still relevant.
Bears: still dangerous.
Zaph: increasingly smug.
A Night of Discovery (Mostly About Craig)
Tonight was also a night of many discoveries and inventions:
Zaph built a rifle for Dave. Dave discovered it is possible to one-shot Craig, putting him out of his misery, when he is running around on fire.
Craig discovered flamethrowers are the perfect tool for killing bees in caves.
Craig discovered hammers fix things, axes break them.
Dave discovered we can deploy scarecrows at deep mining sites to mark them on the map
Myles discovered how to strap a large water tank to his back and fill it at the water storage to refill the animal’s water troughs.
Myles discovered there is no end in sight for Dave’s need for and consumption of resources – he built many additional cupboards so that each type of ingot could have its own cupboard, and we still ran out of space for aluminium ingots. Dave swears they are useful for something.
Myles discovered someone was putting the overflowing aluminium ingots in every possible manufacturing device around the house. Dave blamed Craig.
Dave discovered that when you have enough coal, it is way more efficient than charcoal for turning Iron ingots into steel bloom, the precursor for steel. Dave organised extra trips to the automated coal mining machine.
Zaph discovered that composters really do speed up the breakdown of meat into animal waste by 1000% - Dave had told him that’s how it worked, but sometimes seeing is believing.
It is worth noting that Craig’s discoveries consistently involve fire, destruction, or the philosophical boundaries between the two.
The Theme Song (Because Of Course There Is One)
It wouldn’t be a recap without a theme song – this week – the Electricity Song – sung by Myles.
Yeah. Let me tell you how the power flows from the plant to your home.
Everybody knows. Well, actually, they don't.
So, let me explain the electrical journey, the power chain.
Power generation, that's where we begin.
Hydro, coal, nuclear. Let the turbine spin.
Solar panels convert sunlight, Wind turbines catch the breeze. Renewable energy.
Natural gas plants are firing up the steam.
Geothermal tapping Earth's internal heat beam.
Whatever the source, the goal is the same.
Turn the generators, electromagnetic game, Electrons flow through the wire.
They go from high to low Voltage changing as they flow.
Step it up. Bring it down. Break it down.
Through every single town. That's how electricity gets around.
Or in our case – Build a Biofuel generator, slap in a can of goo, hook up a battery rack and watch the power flow. Now, if we just had something to use the juice.
The Desert Plan (Also Known as “Dig First, Ask Questions Never”)
Finally, we decided to do a desert mission. Or in our case, dig a hole through a mountain to reach the desert.
A sentence that perfectly encapsulates both our ingenuity and our inability to take the obvious route.
Luckily, they shipped down some gear to assist us – a solar panel, a powered mining tool and the wiring tool. So we travelled to the cave, set up the drill, set up the solar panel, wired it up – well, Zaph did, we just followed along. But we all know when you turn on any kind of machinery, the wildlife attacks. So Myles built defences – spiky walls, hedgehogs, fences.
And of course, we then had to wait till the sunrise because solar panels don’t work in the dark. Next time, Dave muttered I am building a portable biofuel generator.
Progress: delayed by astronomy.
The Worm Incident (There Is Always a Worm Incident)
We turned it on, it didn’t work, Zaph fixed the broken connection, it powered up. The animals attacked – ignoring Myles’s defences, hordes of Cave Worms spawned inside the cave, spitting poison at the idiot standing next to the mining machine…. Dave.
Dave died, but he took a few worms with him. Myles ventured into the mine and killed the last couple of worms. Meanwhile, on the hill, our sniper (Zaph) asked if we needed any help as he worked on his tan.
Team cohesion remains a work in progress.
The Drill That Definitely Isn’t a Drill
Stupid drills explode on use – they don’t actually drill through the wall, it's more of an explosion, blowing a hole in the wall.
Of course, there was a second wall to get through, so we used the optional (kind of mandatory) call for additional equipment. Rinse and repeat, more worms attacked, and we survived.
Since the solar panels could be useful, we called down another set of equipment because you didn’t think of that, did you, silly developers who drop equipment pods through mountains into underground caves.
Desert Tourism (With Violence)
In the desert at last, we drank cool water from our canteens, or in Myles’s case, coffee, killed everything in sight – hyenas, scorpions, elephant, packed up and went home.
A peaceful, reflective interlude.
The Moment of Triumph (Ruined Immediately)
Myles and Dave built a materials processor to make composite paste, and an electric furnace to turn composite paste into composites, then, finally, the moment we had all been waiting for, the culmination of weeks of effort, Myles built and installed an encrypted signal device. Craig promptly ruined the moment by climbing on the roof and standing on it.
There is something almost poetic about it.
Powered by Rotting Meat
This week's adventure powered by composted rotting meat. Don’t eat that Craig!!!
He absolutely will.
Lessons Learned (Allegedly)
Did we learn or achieve anything this week?
We successfully built and installed the encrypted signal device. So now we have many more missions to do.
Myles learnt not to forget his lamp after leaving it in the machine to charge.
Zaph learnt to shoot Polar bears from a long, long way away.
Zaph learnt that there is an achievement for getting struck by lightning
Dave learnt to make ramps from ice to get out of fissures.
Dave learnt, after only 300 hours of playtime, how sickles work. Dave blamed the user interface, not the user.
Dave learnt you can get struck by lightning a second time, and there is an achievement for that.
Craig learnt hammers are for fixing things, axes are for breaking things, flamethrowers are for burning things down.
Achievements (A Catalogue of Questionable Life Choices)
Dave achieved – Sometimes it does (get hit by lightning twice), Not the Bees (build a fully upgraded bee hive)
Myles achieved – Decrypted (Install an encrypted communication device), Habitat acquired (Build a home for your new pet with bedding, food, and water)
Craig achieved – The bees (Kill bees with a flamethrower), Fired up (Burn down a shelter), It burns (Burn down a forest by running around on fire)
Zaph achieved – At least it never hits the same place twice (get hit by lightning)
Closing Remarks
Tune in next week when we do something, learn something, and die trying. And Craig burns something.
Statistically, several somethings.
