Desert Diplomacy, Buffalo Scandals, and the Suspicious Absence of Craig
Last night’s session began with what can only be described as a legally binding disclaimer:
Safe Desert statement – no IRL animals were impregnated in the making of this episode.
This immediately raised more questions than it answered, but in the interest of progress (and plausible deniability), the group pressed on.
The Mission (Or: Cupboard Management, the True Endgame)
We set off on a dangerous desert crossing to rescue the UDA Predator specialist, so we can sell him the vestiges, because we are out of space in the cupboard, and the only alternative would be to let Craig decorate the house (which Dave refuses to allow).
This was not a mission. This was a last stand against interior design collapse. Dave has seen what Craig considers “decor,” and it involves ladders to nowhere, fireplaces in flammable places, and an artistic philosophy best described as “what if gravity, but optional?”
Apparently, we need to bring him some supplies (all packed) and kill some animals in the area (skinning knives prepped). What could possibly go wrong?
A question that history has repeatedly answered with: everything, usually at once, and often on fire.
Leadership, Delegated (To the Only Competent Being Present)
Myles suggested we put Stripes in charge of the mission, and since he is the smartest of the group (Stripes, NOT Myles) we did just that.
No objections were raised. Not even from Myles. Especially not from Myles.
Pre-Departure Delays (Or: The Buffalo Situation)
The first two hours were spent with Zaph getting all his animals back into the pen, everyone getting their supplies, and then waiting for a special delivery. As Zaph said, we couldn’t leave just yet because he had gotten his buffalo pregnant.
There are statements that require context.
This was not one of them.
Sniggers from Dave, who said that was illegal in Australia, and Craig, who only had 86 shotgun shells and wanted more before we left.
Craig, maintaining his long-standing commitment to ammunition-based problem solving, viewed this entire situation through a single lens: “Is this enough shells?” The answer, as always, was no.
The Storm, The Waiting, The Egg-Based Coup
We got a good night’s sleep so we could set off in the morning, then had to wait out a storm, by which time the buffalo was 80% ready to drop, so Dave watered the crops and harvested them, while Craig trained a horse, and Zaph wandered around nervously like an expectant father.
Meanwhile one of Zaph’s chickens snuck into the house and laid eggs everywhere.
Not in a neat, farm-to-table arrangement. This was a poultry-led insurgency. Eggs appeared with no regard for structure, logic, or interior boundaries. The chicken operated with the confidence of something that knew it would face no consequences.
Tonight’s Song (Performed Under Duress by Management)
Tonight’s song – loosely inspired by something Stripes definitely didn’t legally license
Got the gear packed for a long way out
Two skins of water, give or take
Wouldn’t mind some halfway decent help
But I’m leaving at dawn for sanity’s sake
When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’ll all cope worse when I’m gone
You’ll miss the plans and maps and sense
And basic risk assessment, oh
You’ll miss me when I’m gone
Got a route mapped for the long way ‘round
The one with the least chance we die
It’s got heat and storms and things that sting
And Craig will still aggro everything nearby
Stripes delivered this with the emotional weight of a being who had already accepted that none of it would make a difference.
The Journey North (Suspiciously Competent Edition)
With the other animals fed and watered so they didn’t die while we were absent, we finally set off, heading north to the edge of the desert. We waved at the fishing specialist as we rode past his outpost and continued on. Zaph rode ahead while Dave hung back to shoot the hyenas off Craig.
A standard formation:
- Zaph: forward scout
- Dave: rear guard
- Craig: mobile aggro beacon
- Myles: quietly updating everyone’s life insurance policies
Stripes killed a whittle scorpion, stomping it so hard its shell cracked. He really doesn’t like poisonous critters.
This was nothing like our last ride through the same desert on where Craig died multiple times, several mounts died, and Myles was scarred for life.
This time, against all known laws of the universe, it was… pleasant.
There was even an occasional swim in a river. No one died. Nothing exploded. Craig remained upright. It was deeply unsettling.
Arrival, Inventory, and Immediate Betrayal by Reality
We arrived, Zaph unpacked the critical items the Specialist had requested, flares, shells, ammo.
He handed over the flares.
Where did you pack the rest? He asked Dave.
“ It’s all in the same small pouch Dave said, looking in the empty pouch.
Pause.
Silence.
The kind of silence where everyone mentally replays the last several hours and realises the universe has, once again, chosen violence.
Icarus sucker punched us, the Devs cheated – not only had the latest update resealed all the caves, but it also stole our stuff.
Not misplaced.
Not forgotten.
Stolen. By reality itself.
The Great Supply Run of Regret
Whilst Craig and Zaph hunted, Dave rode all the way back to the house to find the missing stuff. Zaph shot, Craig skinned animals, Stripes cursed the universe as his summer vacation was ruined by the lack of a checklist.
When Dave got back to the lake house, he searched high and low but there was no sign of the missing items, so he made some more.
Because at some point, denial gives way to crafting.
Stripes and Dave headed back.
Storms, Zebras, and Eventual Competence
A brief stop at the fishing specialist to wait out a storm, then back on the Zebra.
He arrived, we handed over the goods, completed the mission, another successful mission, strangely quiet without the usual swearing, it was almost as though Myles was still on vacation.
This raised several possibilities:
- Myles was still on vacation
- Craig had been temporarily replaced with a less chaotic clone
- The universe was saving up
Real Estate Decisions Nobody Asked For
We built a small stone hut as Zaph declared the intersection of Snow, desert, and forest was the perfect place for a hunting lodge.
Dave suspected it was really to get Craig’s fireplace indoors before he burnt down the hunter’s place.
This was not an unreasonable concern.
Craig and fire have a long and complicated history, mostly involving regret.
Mining, Money, and Mild Productivity
We hit up a nearby mine for some ore, called down a pod and shipped off our exotics and $, did a quick hunting trip in the snow, then headed back to lakeside and called it a night.
No disasters.
No fatalities.
No inexplicable structural fires.
At this point, suspicion was no longer optional.
Theories, Achievements, and Lessons (Allegedly Learned)
A quite successful and uneventful evening. We suspect Craig had been kidnapped and replaced by Aliens.
Frankly, it’s the only explanation that fits the data.
Did we learn or achieve anything this week?
· Even though you made and packed the critical gear, check it before you leave, because Icarus Devs have a weird New Zealand sense of humour.
· Keep Zaph away from the buffalo
Achievements Unlocked (Emotionally, If Not Mechanically)
Dave achieved – Sic Em (Your dog makes a kill)
Myles achieved – MIA (Clear lack of priorities)
Craig achieved – Shell game (Refuse to leave on a trip without more ammo)
Zaph achieved – Shotgun wedding (Get a buffalo pregnant), fur baby (have a level 25 pet chicken)
Next Time…
Tune in next week as we farewell Dave’s highly developed lakehouse and head back to our regular dump.
There will be complaints.
There will be poor decisions.
And, statistically speaking, Craig will return.
