You Don’t Have to Outrun the Hyenas

Last Night’s Recap

Craig Dies a Lot (We Gave Up Counting)

Everyone wants to know the same thing this week:
How accurate was ChatGPT at predicting our adventure?

If you recall, last week—after we very nearly froze to death in the Arctic wastelands—we decided to take a different route home. Before setting off, we asked ChatGPT to predict how this week would go.

So how accurate was it?

“NO COMMENT!!!” said Dave.
No one likes a sore loser, Dave. So let’s get into it.

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The Predictions

ChatGPT suggested that our journey would look something like one of the following:

• A bold attempt to return home turns into a slow-motion endurance test featuring bad maps, worse supplies, and Craig confidently heading the wrong way.

• The group embarks on a “shortcut” through the wilderness, discovering that every shortcut is just a longer route with more wolves.

• An ill-prepared expedition tests friendships, navigation skills, and how many times Craig can almost die before blaming Dave.

• What should have been a careful long haul becomes a rolling crisis of broken tools, empty stomachs, and increasingly passive-aggressive leadership.

• A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

We’re giving them an A+ for the summary, particularly:

A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

All we have to say is: filtered water, Craig.
How hard is that to remember?
Enjoy your dysentery.

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Theme Song Verdict

ChatGPT suggested “Everybody Hurts.”
We’ll give them a B- for effort.

The correct answer was clearly “A Horse With No Name.”

And frankly, the lyrics speak for themselves:

After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a riverbed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think Craig was dead

Poetry.

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Let’s Skip Ahead to the Pain

The exciting bit is the actual recap, so let’s skip the pleasantries and jump right in.

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The Journey Starts

ChatGPT predicted:

We set out at dawn, or at least at a time we all agreed counted as dawn, with full confidence that this long haul through the wilderness would be different. We had plans. We had supplies. We had maps. Naturally, none of these survived first contact with Craig.

That’s a solid B, but they forgot one key detail:
We only have one bedroll.

Since everyone needs a bedroll to sleep, we solved this by having Zaph and Dave log out so Myles could sleep and set the server to morning. Naturally, this only works if you have a fire.

Myles successfully built a fire without burning down the hut or the forest, which impressed everyone present.

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The Journey Continues

ChatGPT predicted:

The route technically avoided the frozen wastelands, which is to say we only brushed against them repeatedly… Campfires became less of a convenience and more of a lifestyle… Dave began hoarding materials for crops we would never plant.

That’s a D. None of that happened.
Except the crop part — Dave picked wheat like a man trying to avoid genetically modified food.

At one point, Zaph told Craig to “Stop being Dave.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Dave.
“Stop being a hero? Athletic? Suave? Resourceful?”

Apparently it means:
Stop picking every berry you walk past.

No comment.

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Mapping Accuracy Check

ChatGPT predicted:

We became very lost, briefly confident we were not lost, and then aggressively lost again… Someone suggested a shortcut… which we took anyway.

That’s an A.

Zaph did find a shortcut tunnel to the desert. For a brief moment, we felt smug. Then we were overwhelmed by predators: cougars, boars, scorpions, bubble-headed things, and an elephant hiding in the tunnel like it had made some poor life choices.

Myles’s riding Moa was killed. We recovered the saddle and retreated back to the forest.

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Fires, Lakes, and Disposable Horses

We built fires by a lake, cooked meat, and made healing kits. Then we headed east toward another pass.

• We lost a baby horse in a cave.

• We caught another one for Myles.

• We stopped at another lake to refill water.

• Myles lost that horse too.

• We caught another one.

Eventually, we found a pass to the desert that wasn’t immediately lethal. A peaceful stream meandered through it, promising an easy trip.

Zaph rode his horse off a waterfall and survived.
Dave followed with his buffalo.
Craig jumped, broke his leg, and was killed by hyenas.

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Desert Life

There was a storm. Dave ran around trying to find trees to cut down. Zaph calmly built a shelter. We all huddled safely inside.

Craig died.

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Desert Predictions vs Reality

ChatGPT predicted:

Zaph scouted ahead… Myles tried to keep everyone moving… Craig lagged behind, collecting sticks, and slowly dying in ways that were somehow everyone else’s fault.

That is spot on.
A+.

The desert was brutal. Dysentery. Broken legs. Scorpions. Cougars. Hyenas that hunt in threes and laugh at you.

Craig died repeatedly. When he wasn’t dying, he was dragging predators toward Myles. Myles lost another pony. Craig ran out of arrows. Myles’s knife broke. We scavenged arrows from dead animals.

Meanwhile, Zaph:

• Zoomed ahead

• Went home

• Unloaded

• Restocked

• Read a book

• Checked the map

• Provided directions

Then came back for us.

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Did We Make It Home?

ChatGPT predicted:

We eventually made it home… because the planet decided we had suffered enough.

ChatGPT — you suck.
That’s an F.

At no point did the planet decide we had suffered enough.

After three miserable hours of predators, dead mounts, no supplies, and Craig, we survived everything the planet could throw at us.

Craig arrived last.
He even got lost with the house in sight.

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Achievements (Or Lack Thereof)

ChatGPT predicted:

Nothing important was learned. Everyone blamed someone else. We agreed to do it again.

A+.

We did improve the house:

• Added a second floor

• Zaph added named cupboards at our beds

• Myles built a carpentry bench

• Dave added a machining bench, heavy equipment extension, concrete mixer, concrete forge, and biofuel composter

Craig provided raw materials.
Dave turned iron into nails.
Myles refined wood and rope.
Zaph was on a break.

Icarus says we achieved nothing.
So we made some up.

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Totally Real Achievements

Dave achieved:

• Veterinarian (used the most healing on his buffalo)

• Hypoxemia (ran out of oxygen)

• Blisters (made everyone else work)

Myles achieved:

• Exfoliated (lost the most foals)

• Desiccated (ran out of water)

• Potty Mouth (used the most swear words)

Craig achieved:

• Misotheism (hated by the universe)

• I Am Bait (attracts every predator)

Zaph achieved:

• Pixelated (vanished into the distance)

• Speleologist (found every cave)

• Distraction (you don’t have to outrun the bear — just lead it to Craig)

ChatGPT achieved:
A solid D, because A+, B, D, A, A+, A+ equals D in Dave math.

You’re either 100% right, or you get the lowest score.

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And of course, we’ll be back to do it all again next week.

This is when things were still going to plan...

We can do this the hard way, or the hard way!

Look, I made a crossbow and wanted to test out the aiming mechanism, how was I to know that this was Craig's mount. It was wondering well away from the stables, and had no saddle.

It’s All Stuff and Nonsense

“It’s All Stuff and Nonsense”

We wish—oh how we wish—that this week had a proper theme song.

Something heroic. Something soaring. Something that suggested competence.

Something like:

The right stuff
The right stuff

First time was a great time
Second time was a blast
Third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts

A montage song. The sort of thing that plays while four capable pioneers crest a ridge in slow motion, silhouetted against the alien sun, confident in their tools, their teamwork, and their collective sense of direction.

Unfortunately, reality arrived with a brick.

What we actually got was:

Fast goes fast (on a Moa)
Slow goes slow (on a buffalo)

Alright now, do the low yo yo yo yo
Now do the low yo yo yo yo yo yo

This is not metaphorical. This is a literal description of our travel speed and dignity.

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We Did Stuff

We began the evening with a photo op at the site of the Black Wolf slaying, because nothing says “progress” like stopping to commemorate something that already tried to eat us. The wolf was dead. We were alive. Spirits were high. This would not last.

We recovered our hedgehogs for later use, carefully collecting them like tiny, spiny investments for a future problem that absolutely will not be solved cleanly.

We picked berries, an activity that sounds wholesome until you’re standing knee-deep in alien shrubbery wondering why your scout is already halfway to the horizon. At one point, Zaph—who had finished scouting, looting, and mentally planning the next six kilometers—asked Myles what was taking so long.

Myles replied, patiently and correctly:
“I am picking food for my mount.”

Zaph, without missing a beat, responded:
“I am going to call you Dave.”

This was both an insult and a prophecy.

Then we set out on an epic wilderness adventure, immediately demonstrating that none of us had agreed on what “epic” or “together” meant.

• Dave crossed the bridge.

• Myles followed Dave (fool).

• Zaph forded the river, because of course he did.

• Craig…

Craig was not present.

No one saw him leave. No one saw him arrive. He simply ceased to exist as a known quantity. Schrödinger’s Craig.

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We Learnt Stuff

We learned that houses made of stone are better than houses made of wood, a discovery humanity made several thousand years ago, but which we were delighted to confirm experimentally.

We also learned that Craig will still drop a tree on your house, even when it’s made of stone. Structural integrity does not protect against intent.

We learned that getting stuck in ice crevasses sucks, a lesson Craig learned personally, intimately, and repeatedly. Asking him was not necessary; he volunteered the information loudly.

We learned that it gets cold out in the frozen wastelands, and that hypothermia is, in fact, a thing. A rude thing. A very persistent thing.

We learned that there are packs of wolves that come in six and that they like to snack on Dave’s buffalo, which Dave definitely noticed and absolutely took personally.

We learned that Craig does not take care of his ride, preferring instead to walk really slowly while picking up sticks, like an NPC with a tragic backstory and no quest marker.

We learned that no matter how many times you tell Craig to drink and eat to avoid dying, he will still drop dead and then blame everyone else. It’s like he tunes out the moment Dave starts talking, which—if we’re being honest—might be a survival mechanism that has backfired.

And finally, we learned that we were not the only people complaining about spiders. Tonight’s patch pretty much removed them entirely. This was discovered after we spent the entire night with Myles asking, repeatedly and with growing suspicion, why no spiders were spawning near the caves we were mining.

Somewhere, a developer smiled.

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We Built Stuff

We built a stone house, because we are nothing if not optimistic.

We built campfires to huddle around and thaw our frozen limbs, forming little circles of warmth and regret across the wasteland.

We built a hut near a mining outpost that was so small that Dave looked at it, sighed, and built everything in a cave instead, which honestly says more about Dave than the hut.

We built a stone forge and an anvil so we could repair our mining tools and our sense of purpose.

We built a water filtration system, which Craig actually used. This is true. This happened. It is documented. You really can lead a Craig to water and make him drink.

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We Achieved… Not Much

Dave achieved: nothing.
No, really. There was nothing new to learn. Or Dave did nothing. Your pick.

Myles achieved:

• Makeshift Engineering (alter an item)

• Lightbulb Moment (Fix Dave’s spaghetti wiring mess)

Craig achieved:

• Bear Necessities (unlock all blueprints in T1)

• Pain in the Bass (catch a fish with a bow and arrow, because Craig cannot do anything normally)

Zaph achieved: nothing as well.
Stop copying Dave.

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Looking Ahead

Next week, we will attempt a long haul through the wilderness, hoping—hoping—to get home without going through the frozen wastelands again.

Picture it:
Jim Bowie.
Davy Crockett.
But armed with stone tools, broken bows, and absolutely no sense of direction.

Or, to use a more culturally accurate analogy:
Burke.
Wills.
And Craig.

One of these expeditions famously did not end well.

History, as always, watches with interest.

Guys, I could do with a res

It will only take a minute to get a good night sleep

The tranquility never lasts