Strap in. Helmets on. Clipboards lost immediately

Last Night’s Recap – Myles Would Forget His Head If It Wasn’t Screwed On

Tonight was one of those nights where the best-laid plans of mice and men almost save you from monumental screwups… but Dave will still find a way to make it worse.

(You misspelt Craig, says Dave.)

The evening’s unofficial anthem was like “Short Term Memory Loss Blues” by Dave Barry, which in hindsight feels less like a joke and more like a medical diagnosis.

Here's our take on that classic:

When you get to a certain stage in life

A certain drop-site junction

When you get to a certain age in life

Plans start to malfunction

You pack for cold, you pack for heat

You pack eleven things you’ll never need

But you know what’s the first thing to go?

I got the mission-planning blues

The mission-planning blues

We brought a cart of everything

Except the things we’d use

Mission-planning blues

I got the short-term— plan

The long-term— excuse

Now where the hell did I put the radar scanner?

Did anyone pack the radar scanner?

Mission-planning blues

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Everyone wanted to know how accurate ChatGPT would be at predicting our adventure after its almost stellar effort the previous week. So let’s get to it.

ChatGPT Prediction: Buffalo Cart Strategy

Sounds good in theory.
Dangerous in Dave-and-Craig hands.

Rating: B+
Mainly because ChatGPT did not predict that we would deliberately change strategy purely to spite it 😊

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Preparation Phase: Planning to Avoid Craig

To avoid forgetting anything, Dave made a list, and Myles perfected it.

To avoid Craig-related issues, Dave and Myles logged in 90 minutes early to get the packing underway.

Dave built a cart and fitted it to the buffalo.
Myles gathered ingredients.
Dave built things.
They packed the cart.

Myles repeatedly asked if it was all going to fit, like a nervous expedition planner who had read exactly one book about doomed Arctic explorers.

Dave assured him the cart could hold 60+ stacks and had a 1.3-tonne weight capacity.

That’s a lot of stuff.

What We Packed (Allegedly)

1 × Buffalo cart

• 1 × Mission board thing
• 3 × Fireplaces
• 5 × Bedrolls
• 500 × Charcoal
• 3 × 100 Wood
• 2 × 200 Fibre
• 2 × Crafting tables (one per outpost + mobile)
• 3 × Oxygen machines
• 4 × Spare oxygen bladders (full)
• 3 × Water filters
• 2 × Water bladders (full)
• 3 × Stone furnaces (one per outpost)
• 4 × Stone ramps
• 11 × Stone pillars
• 28 × Stone flat pieces
• 26 × Stone walls
• 3 × Chests
• 3 × Wooden doors
• 40 × Coal
• 11 × Spiky hedgehogs (for radar defence)
• 10 × Healing concoctions
• 3 × 50 Sulfur
• 3 × 50 Oxite
• 255 × Salt
• 31 × Silica
• 19 × Spoiled meat (don’t ask – spoilers)
• 2 × Wood torches
• 50 × Nails
• 40 × Rope
• 3 × Cupboards

The only thing we didn’t bring was tree sap.
Or possibly that was the only thing we needed.

On double-checking, we discovered we hadn’t packed storage.
Zaph, without comment or judgement, made three cupboards and packed those.

---

Reality Intrudes

It didn’t all fit.

It turns out you can run out of room on a buffalo.

So we made everyone carry their own essentials:
oxygen bladder, water, healing concoctions, bandages, suture kits, torch, ammunition.

To assist, Dave made everyone a small pouch and a medical bag, which absolutely would not be relevant later.

Dave and Myles requisitioned oxygen tanks and canteens from the station.
This worked, so Craig and Zaph immediately did the same.

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Armour, Mounts, and Regret

Dave upgraded everyone to leather armour, assuring us it would provide better protection against animals and the cold.

Note to self: locate Dave’s armour supplier and kill them, as this cannot possibly be faulty workmanship.

We caught and tamed a buffalo and a horse for Craig to choose from, since his Moa had mysteriously disappeared
(after Myles shot it in the head).

After three hours of building and packing, we slept before setting out.

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ChatGPT on the Frozen Wasteland Route

Verdict: Correct call, reluctantly.

• Less random aggro

• Fewer “why are there six of these?” moments

• More predictable failure modes

• Blizzards at the worst possible time

• Crevasses will claim at least one mount

• Craig will fall into something and loudly explain how unfair it is

Rating: B+

No one fell into a crevasse.

Dave drove the buffalo and cart into one instead.

No one mentioned giant arctic scorpions.
Or snow leopards.
Or wolves that come in threes and are twice as tough as hyenas.

There were blizzards.

And snow bunnies.

“Watch out, Zaph, you’re being chased by a—”
“A rabbit?” asked Zaph, rolling his eyes.

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The Cave, the Cure, and the Competent Craig

We found a cave and set up a house.
Unpacked the essentials: furnace, oxygen machine, two campfires, bedrolls, workbench.

We mined all the iron, smelted it, and packed the ingots onto the cart.

We used 40 ingots to make an anvil because we had forgotten to pack one.

Dave complained his toes were cold.

Myles examined him, diagnosed hypothermia and frostbite, and recommended heat bandages.

We did not pack heat bandages.
We also did not know how to make them.

Myles researched, gathered ingredients, and made them.
Treatment effective.
Dave’s limbs were saved.

Craig fed and watered the mounts.

“Who replaced Craig with this helpful person?” asked Dave.

We were low on water when Dave discovered you can melt snow over a campfire.

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Outposts and the Radar Incident

ChatGPT rated our outpost plan as the smartest idea yet.

Rating: D

It forgot to mention that leaving mounts outside while you cook attracts predators.
Killing predators attracts more predators.

It also forgot to mention that Myles is suffering from memory loss.

As we were cooking, we noticed Myles frantically emptying the cart like a man searching for a contact lens in a sandstorm.

“It’s in here,” he muttered. “It has to be in here.”

“What is?” asked Dave, already knowing the answer and not liking it.

“The radar scanner. Have you seen it?” replied Myles, audibly sweating.

Zaph paused. “Where did you last see it?”

“In my cupboard,” said Myles. “We went to sleep.”

This would have been helpful if that cupboard had not been back at the main base, next to four beds, each with a clearly named cupboard: Craig, Dave, Zaph, and Myles.

Crucially, Myles had renamed his “Myles – Quest”, because it contained the quest item.

The quest item that was not on the list.

“It wasn’t on the list,” Dave yelled, immediately absolving himself of responsibility.

“It’s your fault we left it behind!” Myles panicked, as Craig muttered “Gold Dragon” under his breath like an incantation.

“One job,” Craig said solemnly, carefully inflating the mistake to EPIC proportions. “You had one job.”

Zaph sighed.

“I’ll go back and get it. Don’t leave without me.”

He rode off into a blizzard.

That was the last anyone saw of him…

…until he returned a day later, holding the radar scanner.

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The Rest of the Journey

We left the frozen wastes for the forest.

Built a hut.
Fed and watered animals.
Set up the radar station.
Defended it from wild boar.

Later, near the next mission location, we built a stone house and a wooden barn.

Craig chopped down many trees.
Including one that fell on the barn.

We taught Craig how to fix what he breaks, hoping this would reduce future breakage.

It did not.

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Final Scores

ChatGPT: Solid B
Missed Dave driving into a crevasse, Myles forgetting the radar, Craig nearly dying of dehydration, and Craig being helpful but medically useless.

Achievements Unlocked (According to Us, Not Icarus)

Since Icarus insists we achieved absolutely nothing of value, we were forced to invent our own achievements, which frankly feel more honest.

Dave achieved:

• Unintentional Glaciologist (Fall into a frozen crevasse) – advanced the study of ice formations by personally testing their depth with a fully laden buffalo.

• It’s Cold (Suffer from hypothermia and frostbite) – bravely confirmed that leather armour is not, in fact, winter-rated.

• Fusion (Melting ice for water) – pioneered the radical scientific concept that fire makes snow less solid.

Myles achieved:

• Amazon Shopper (Make gear on the station and have it delivered) – discovered that preparation is easier when someone else does it for you.

• Overthinker (Plan an expedition and still forget stuff) – demonstrated that no amount of planning can overcome forgetting the one critical item.

• Mr Manners (Go a session without swearing) – an achievement so rare it may never be repeated.

Craig achieved:

• Reunited (Find a mount you previously abandoned in a crevasse) – proved that no bad decision is permanent, just temporarily buried in ice.

• Rabbit (Run away from wolves) – showcased an advanced tactical retreat strategy involving panic and speed.

• Flesh Wound (Refuse to bandage a gaping wound until it’s infected and requires multiple courses of antibiotics) – a masterclass in medical noncompliance.

Zaph achieved:

• Bored (Complain about everyone else being so slow) – a passive skill that remains permanently active.

• Predator (Kill everything that moves) – maintained ecological balance by removing it entirely.

• Saviour (Go back for something Myles forgot) – willingly rode into a blizzard to correct someone else’s mistake, and will absolutely remind us of this forever.

And of course…

We’ll be back to do it again next week.

You Don’t Have to Outrun the Hyenas

Last Night’s Recap

Craig Dies a Lot (We Gave Up Counting)

Everyone wants to know the same thing this week:
How accurate was ChatGPT at predicting our adventure?

If you recall, last week—after we very nearly froze to death in the Arctic wastelands—we decided to take a different route home. Before setting off, we asked ChatGPT to predict how this week would go.

So how accurate was it?

“NO COMMENT!!!” said Dave.
No one likes a sore loser, Dave. So let’s get into it.

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The Predictions

ChatGPT suggested that our journey would look something like one of the following:

• A bold attempt to return home turns into a slow-motion endurance test featuring bad maps, worse supplies, and Craig confidently heading the wrong way.

• The group embarks on a “shortcut” through the wilderness, discovering that every shortcut is just a longer route with more wolves.

• An ill-prepared expedition tests friendships, navigation skills, and how many times Craig can almost die before blaming Dave.

• What should have been a careful long haul becomes a rolling crisis of broken tools, empty stomachs, and increasingly passive-aggressive leadership.

• A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

We’re giving them an A+ for the summary, particularly:

A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

All we have to say is: filtered water, Craig.
How hard is that to remember?
Enjoy your dysentery.

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Theme Song Verdict

ChatGPT suggested “Everybody Hurts.”
We’ll give them a B- for effort.

The correct answer was clearly “A Horse With No Name.”

And frankly, the lyrics speak for themselves:

After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a riverbed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think Craig was dead

Poetry.

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Let’s Skip Ahead to the Pain

The exciting bit is the actual recap, so let’s skip the pleasantries and jump right in.

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The Journey Starts

ChatGPT predicted:

We set out at dawn, or at least at a time we all agreed counted as dawn, with full confidence that this long haul through the wilderness would be different. We had plans. We had supplies. We had maps. Naturally, none of these survived first contact with Craig.

That’s a solid B, but they forgot one key detail:
We only have one bedroll.

Since everyone needs a bedroll to sleep, we solved this by having Zaph and Dave log out so Myles could sleep and set the server to morning. Naturally, this only works if you have a fire.

Myles successfully built a fire without burning down the hut or the forest, which impressed everyone present.

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The Journey Continues

ChatGPT predicted:

The route technically avoided the frozen wastelands, which is to say we only brushed against them repeatedly… Campfires became less of a convenience and more of a lifestyle… Dave began hoarding materials for crops we would never plant.

That’s a D. None of that happened.
Except the crop part — Dave picked wheat like a man trying to avoid genetically modified food.

At one point, Zaph told Craig to “Stop being Dave.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Dave.
“Stop being a hero? Athletic? Suave? Resourceful?”

Apparently it means:
Stop picking every berry you walk past.

No comment.

---

Mapping Accuracy Check

ChatGPT predicted:

We became very lost, briefly confident we were not lost, and then aggressively lost again… Someone suggested a shortcut… which we took anyway.

That’s an A.

Zaph did find a shortcut tunnel to the desert. For a brief moment, we felt smug. Then we were overwhelmed by predators: cougars, boars, scorpions, bubble-headed things, and an elephant hiding in the tunnel like it had made some poor life choices.

Myles’s riding Moa was killed. We recovered the saddle and retreated back to the forest.

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Fires, Lakes, and Disposable Horses

We built fires by a lake, cooked meat, and made healing kits. Then we headed east toward another pass.

• We lost a baby horse in a cave.

• We caught another one for Myles.

• We stopped at another lake to refill water.

• Myles lost that horse too.

• We caught another one.

Eventually, we found a pass to the desert that wasn’t immediately lethal. A peaceful stream meandered through it, promising an easy trip.

Zaph rode his horse off a waterfall and survived.
Dave followed with his buffalo.
Craig jumped, broke his leg, and was killed by hyenas.

---

Desert Life

There was a storm. Dave ran around trying to find trees to cut down. Zaph calmly built a shelter. We all huddled safely inside.

Craig died.

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Desert Predictions vs Reality

ChatGPT predicted:

Zaph scouted ahead… Myles tried to keep everyone moving… Craig lagged behind, collecting sticks, and slowly dying in ways that were somehow everyone else’s fault.

That is spot on.
A+.

The desert was brutal. Dysentery. Broken legs. Scorpions. Cougars. Hyenas that hunt in threes and laugh at you.

Craig died repeatedly. When he wasn’t dying, he was dragging predators toward Myles. Myles lost another pony. Craig ran out of arrows. Myles’s knife broke. We scavenged arrows from dead animals.

Meanwhile, Zaph:

• Zoomed ahead

• Went home

• Unloaded

• Restocked

• Read a book

• Checked the map

• Provided directions

Then came back for us.

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Did We Make It Home?

ChatGPT predicted:

We eventually made it home… because the planet decided we had suffered enough.

ChatGPT — you suck.
That’s an F.

At no point did the planet decide we had suffered enough.

After three miserable hours of predators, dead mounts, no supplies, and Craig, we survived everything the planet could throw at us.

Craig arrived last.
He even got lost with the house in sight.

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Achievements (Or Lack Thereof)

ChatGPT predicted:

Nothing important was learned. Everyone blamed someone else. We agreed to do it again.

A+.

We did improve the house:

• Added a second floor

• Zaph added named cupboards at our beds

• Myles built a carpentry bench

• Dave added a machining bench, heavy equipment extension, concrete mixer, concrete forge, and biofuel composter

Craig provided raw materials.
Dave turned iron into nails.
Myles refined wood and rope.
Zaph was on a break.

Icarus says we achieved nothing.
So we made some up.

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Totally Real Achievements

Dave achieved:

• Veterinarian (used the most healing on his buffalo)

• Hypoxemia (ran out of oxygen)

• Blisters (made everyone else work)

Myles achieved:

• Exfoliated (lost the most foals)

• Desiccated (ran out of water)

• Potty Mouth (used the most swear words)

Craig achieved:

• Misotheism (hated by the universe)

• I Am Bait (attracts every predator)

Zaph achieved:

• Pixelated (vanished into the distance)

• Speleologist (found every cave)

• Distraction (you don’t have to outrun the bear — just lead it to Craig)

ChatGPT achieved:
A solid D, because A+, B, D, A, A+, A+ equals D in Dave math.

You’re either 100% right, or you get the lowest score.

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And of course, we’ll be back to do it all again next week.

This is when things were still going to plan...

We can do this the hard way, or the hard way!

Look, I made a crossbow and wanted to test out the aiming mechanism, how was I to know that this was Craig's mount. It was wondering well away from the stables, and had no saddle.