TPK by
Ursus Maritimus
Spoiler alert for those hoping this was a heroic tale of exploration, triumph, and frontier grit: it is not. It is, instead, the cautionary saga of four supposedly experienced space-age prospectors discovering that polar bears are not, in fact, large cuddly snow puppies.
This week's Theme Song – Polar Bear, a chilly lament for lost souls
Four old man are riding
Myles is leading his Eskimo life
And knows where he's going
Out where the caribou run
This wilderness desert
He sits alone on the ground
Shaking and silent
Where will his long life end
After his life has been taken away
He'll be reborn and return
Please save him, polar bear
Release his spirit
Take him to where he'll be born again
You know him, polar bear
And many before him
You taught them where they'll be born again
Today’s adventurer, as the philosophers say, is tomorrow’s frozen bear scat.
The Grand Architectural Vision
If you remember last week, we talked about building a small extension to our house. Not a grand hall or a cathedral of frontier engineering. No, this was to be a modest project. A tasteful little architectural flourish. A small room extending out over the river.
Stone. Wood. Leather.
“More stone, more wood. more leather!” yelled Dave with the focused intensity of a medieval blacksmith preparing to arm an army. He stood at the anvil forging iron nails with grim determination while the masonry bench spat out stone floors and walls like some kind of enthusiastic geological vending machine.
Dave’s vision was simple: a tiny 5 × 5 extension, with two-storey walls. Something elegant. Something practical. Something that definitely required far more nails than we actually possessed.
Meanwhile, the rest of us had begun to realize that perhaps—just perhaps—we were spending slightly too much time on interior decorating while an entire alien planet waited outside.
“Are you finished yet? We need to get the buffalo packed.” Myles asked.
Dave paused and looked into the cupboard.
The expression on his face could only be described as the emotional equivalent of discovering the coffee machine is broken on a Monday morning.
We were out of iron.
No iron meant no nails.
No nails meant no roof.
And thus our architectural masterpiece became what real estate agents would charitably describe as an open-plan design with excellent ventilation.
It was time to hit the road.
Mission Selection: The Fateful Choice
Myles checked which operations were available.
Two options appeared:
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A 3 skull Desert mission unlocking a bunch of new missions
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A 2 skull Arctic mission unlocking a bunch of new missions
Now, any experienced adventurer will tell you that the desert is hot, unpleasant, and full of creatures that want to eat you. The Arctic, however, is cold, unpleasant, and full of creatures that want to eat you.
Naturally, Myles went with the Arctic mission, because 2 skulls means it’s a walk in the park.
Followed by a snow zone.
Another walk in the park.
And then a frozen landscape.
Nothing we hadn’t seen before.
Piece of cake.
Packing the Expedition
90 minutes were spent prepping and packing the buffalo.
Not five minutes.
Not ten.
Ninety.
This was less “packing for a quick trip” and more “Victorian polar expedition preparing to discover the Northwest Passage.”
Eventually we set off:
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Over the new stone bridge
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Through the forest
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Down toward the snowy pass
Myles and Zaph rode ahead scouting and killing wolves to protect the expedition like responsible expedition leaders.
Meanwhile, Dave was riding along peacefully when a bear attacked him.
Dave immediately kicked his buffalo up a gear and raced away at maximum speed.
Craig, seeing an opportunity for glory, leapt heroically off his horse to kill the bear.
Score
Bear 2, Craig 0
Casualty Retrieval Services
Myles and Zaph returned to recover Craig’s body, while Dave calmly deployed the delivery board and called another mount down from the station like a frontier Uber driver.
Soon we were back on the way.
Slightly more cautious.
Slightly more suspicious of bears.
But still confident.
The First Polar Bear
When we reached the snowy pass, the way forward was blocked by a Polar Bear.
“How tough can it be?” asked Dave.
Those words have historically preceded many regrettable events.
Myles deployed a fortified wall and some hedgehogs (spikes, not the cute kind).
Myles, Zaph and Craig took positions on the rampart behind the wall while Dave stood on a rock like a dramatic statue of misplaced confidence.
Zaph fired.
The bear charged.
Ignoring Dave entirely, it slammed into the wall and destroyed the spikes.
After many arrows and bullets, the bear began to resemble a porcupine more than a bear.
Eventually it collapsed.
Victory!
Clearly we had mastered the Arctic.
Return to the Lake House
We travelled on, eventually reaching the forest and our lake house.
Here we stopped to:
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Cook some meat
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Refill water
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Get a night’s rest
Everyone carefully locked in their respawn point at the lake house.
This will become important later.
Very important.
In the morning Dave packed one of the bed rolls onto the cart.
Unfortunately, he unknowingly chose the exact bedroll that he and Myles had bound their respawn to.
At the time, this seemed like a minor logistical decision.
In hindsight, it was the opening move in a comedy of catastrophic errors.
Into the Arctic
We headed North then East searching for a pass into the Arctic region.
Eventually we reached the edge of the Arctic zone.
Unfortunately the weather had other plans.
Storm after storm rolled through.
So we built a stone hut for shelter while multiple storms blew across the tundra.
And while we were sheltering…
A bear snuck up.
It killed Zaph.
It also killed his level 40 horse.
We cried for the horse.
Score
Bear 2, Zaph 0
We called in another horse.
The Frozen Grind
We travelled deeper through the Arctic.
Fighting off:
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Wolves
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Hypothermia
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Frostbite
-
General poor life choices
Eventually we located the first component in a supply box.
Then not long after we found the second component.
Things were going well.
Suspiciously well.
The Door Incident
The weather began to look ominous.
Myles suggested we build another small shelter.
“Dave, build a small stone house.”
Dave grabbed stone pieces from the cart and assembled a 2 × 2 hut.
It had:
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A work bench
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A doorway
“Just need to install the door,” Dave said.
“Put in a fire and some bedrolls.”
Dave looked at the cart.
No door.
“Where is the door?” Dave asked.
“I told you to build it,” Myles replied.
What followed was a heated debate involving:
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Logistics
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Responsibility
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Whose job it was to craft doors
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Several creative suggestions about where the missing door could be shoved
The Polar Bear Arbitration Committee
The squabbling attracted a polar bear.
The bear attacked.
It ate a mount.
We scattered while drawing weapons.
The bear killed a second mount.
Then, bored with horses, it killed:
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Zaph
-
Myles
-
Dave
Craig circled the house with bow drawn.
This was his moment.
His chance to shine.
To rescue the group.
To be the hero.
“Rescue me!” pleaded Dave.
“Rescue Zaph!” pleaded Myles.
Craig focused on the bear.
He fired.
He missed.
The bear casually swatted him aside and ate his Moa.
Craig ran for his life.
The bear followed.
Craig tripped.
Fell off a cliff.
And died.
The bear almost died laughing, then slaughtered the Buffalo.
Silence fell.
Broken only by the dripping of blood.
Score
Bear 8 ; Party 0
We hadn’t sucked this badly since the gold dragon incident of 2001.
The Respawn Catastrophe
“No problem,” said Myles.
“Dave you can respawn here using the bedroll you deployed.”
“I didn’t get a chance to deploy it, so back to the lakehouse we go,” replied Dave.
Dave clicked respawn.
Icarus replied:
“No Respawn point found – do you want to respawn in a random location?”
This is the sort of message that makes the blood run cold.
Zaph and Craig respawned at the lakehouse without any gear.
Myles respawned as far away as possible on the map, close to our main base.
Dave waited patiently for rescue.
Rescue Attempt #1
Craig made his way back and rescued Dave.
Dave searched the area.
He couldn’t find the buffalo.
He couldn’t find the cart.
The bear returned.
It slaughtered Craig and his mount again.
Dave almost killed the bear.
In the same way the Titanic almost missed the iceberg.
…It was that close.
Score
Bear 3 ; Craig & Dave 0
Rescue Attempt #2
Zaph made it back to the hut in the Arctic and rescued Craig and Dave.
He also found the third piece and constructed the device for the mission.
Then a scorpion appeared and killed Zaph’s horse.
Because of course it did.
Meanwhile: Myles’ Long Walk
Myles began the extremely long journey back across the map to rejoin the group.
Halfway there he was killed in the frozen wilderness by wolves.
Because apparently the wildlife on this planet operates a kill-on-sight policy.
The Waiting Game
Dave built a small stone hut and huddled inside with:
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The beacon
-
A camp fire
-
A bedroll
He waited for the device to activate during a storm.
Craig and Zaph occupied a slightly larger hut nearby.
We eventually called the session before it went into overtime.
Final Score
Icarus (Bears, wolves, scorpion): 17
Including one full TPK
Lessons Learned
Every story has a moral. A takeaway. A lesson for future generations.
This week we learned:
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Polar Bears are freaking tough, and sneaky.
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Don’t get emotionally invested in your animals – they will die.
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When the buffalo dies – you lose everything.
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Whether you survive the weather depends on solid preparation, and planning.
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Todays hero is tomorrows Polar bear scat.
Weekly Achievements
Did we achieve anything this week?
Bugger all really, so once again we have to make stuff up.
Dave achieved – Doorway moment (Forgot to pack a door)
Myles achieved – Erimophobic (afraid of the desert), TPK (Total Party Killed)
Craig achieved – Trifecta!! (Killed 3 times by a bear)
Zaph achieved – I am scat (Become bear poop), XL pet (Level 40 mount died)
And of course, we will be back next week to find out if Dave dies in the hut in the Arctic waiting for the device to do something.
(Zaph did you put batteries in this?)
