“Who Builds This Crap?”: An Architectural Horror Story in Three Hordes

After Action Report: Craig’s Wall Saves the Day

(A lie, but a comforting one)

With Craig out of action and Zaph away, we did what any responsible, battle-hardened, deeply traumatised group of Rift Breakers would do: base maintenance. Not the sensible kind, mind you. The kind where you pull on one loose thread and the entire sweater screams.

The stated goal was simple enough—ensure the base was up to snuff for the mega-apocalypse we knew would occur the moment we turned on the gate. The actual goal, as it turned out, was to discover who built the walls, why they hated us personally, and how many different ways the base could announce our imminent death.

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The Western Front (All Quiet, Except It Wasn’t)

Step one: survive an attack on the Western Front.

It was like World War I, if WWI had been designed by a caffeinated goblin with a deep mistrust of doors.

“Who builds this CRAP?” demanded Myles, as we ripped out flamethrowers with extreme prejudice and replaced them with neat, orderly banks of artillery—because if you’re going to die, you might as well do it with proper indirect fire support.

“Craig,” replied Dave.

“Why are there no gates in the wall?” asked Dave, pausing mid-slaughter to engage in architectural critique.

“Ask Craig,” replied Myles, without missing a beat.

We survived the attack. Technically.
Immediately afterwards, Dave removed a section of the wall so he could loot monster corpses, because nothing says “secure perimeter” like “strategic hole for personal enrichment.”

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Dave vs. The Gate (A Tragedy in Several Acts)

While Myles upgraded the Eastern wall with artillery, Dave turned his attention to powering up the gate.

First, he ripped out banks of wind turbines to make space. Then he installed magnetic stabilisers and cooling. Then it was time to build ionisers to feed the machine that produces thermal paste, because of course the gate needs artisanal, small-batch anti-overheating goo.

He flicked the switch.

Nothing happened.

So Dave did the unthinkable.

He read the instructions.

He pondered the eternal question of engineering:
“Where does this pile of leftover parts go?”

Dave pondered.

Then enlightenment struck.
“Super coolant.”

Naturally.

So he removed some walls, stripped out defences, built a plant to produce super coolant, added some water teleporter magic things, and tried again.

Still nothing.

Undeterred, Dave removed more walls, upgraded a geothermal power plant, installed a water filter, and a big arse tank for storage, then piped the water into the base like some kind of deranged plumber-demigod.

Dave stared at the screen, which helpfully listed what was required:

• install magnetic stabilizers – 3 of 4

Dave counted.

There were four.

They had power – tick.
They had cooling – tick.

“ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!”

The keyboard suffered.

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Meanwhile, Elsewhere in the Maze of Regret

Meanwhile, Myles teleported to a new section of wall and immediately became trapped in a maze, trying to find his way out.

“Who builds this CRAP!!!!?” he demanded.

“Craig,” Dave replied absent-mindedly, still locked in mortal combat with basic arithmetic and the number four.

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Waves, Walls, and Carbonium Bankruptcy

Another wave of monsters attacked from the South, followed shortly after by a wave from the East.

The Great Wall of Craig was looking… tired.

Smoking sections.
Missing sections.
And the constant cry from Myles:

“WHO BUILDS THIS CRAP.”

We were out of Carbonium and couldn’t afford the repair bill. The wall was dying. Dave was still arguing with magnets. Time itself felt judgmental.

It became a race:
Would the wall survive long enough, or would Dave fix the machinery first?

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The Magnet Incident (Or: Polarity Is Hard)

Suddenly—a light bulb went off.

Not one of those light bulbs we had to hang all over the base to scare the energy-sucking monsters away.

A mental light bulb.

Dave turned off the magnetic stabilisers one by one to see which were being counted.

Finally, he found the problem pole.

The magnets were installed upside down.

There was a pause.
Then violence.

He ripped down the pole, sold more wind turbines, scrapped more wall sections, and installed the magnetic stabiliser in a new spot.

“Ta da,” he declared proudly as the counter clicked to 4 of 4.

The base immediately responded:

Prepare for an incoming attack.

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The North Wall (A Cautionary Tale)

“Where is it coming from?” asked Dave.

“The north wall,” said Myles, already sprint-teleporting toward doom.

“Good thing we installed all that artillery and upgraded it,” said Dave.

“I haven’t done the north wall yet,” replied Myles.

There was shouting.

“Man the defences!”
“Place lightning turrets!”
“Don’t forget to unleash the tornado!”
“And lastly—WHO BUILDS THIS CRAP?”

“Craig,” replied Dave, running north.

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The Base, Being Extremely Helpful

A tower has been destroyed.

“WE KNOW,” said Myles.

One of our energy connectors has been destroyed.

“WE KNOW.”

A wall has been destroyed. Oh, and our base is under attack.

“WE KNOW.”

Myles checked the map and teleported to the latest hot spot, immediately becoming stuck in a wall while being pounded by rocks.

“Who builds this crap???”

Finally—wave defeated.

North wall: smoking ruin – check.

We installed artillery.
We removed flamethrowers.
We tried not to cry.

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The Gate, Take Two

At last, the day of our triumphant return to Earth arrived.

Myles switched on the power to the gate.

It powered up.

Incoming horde. Please refrain from using the gate until it is fully charged.

Not one horde.

Three.

North.
East.
South.

All was quiet on the Western Front. Suspiciously quiet.

Myles teleported North.
Dave went East.

“Who—” Myles began.

“Craig,” Dave said, cutting him off.

We fought like our lives—and the fate of Earth—depended on it.

Because it did.

The hordes ate Craig’s wall for breakfast and lunch, but it slowed them just enough that we, backed by copious amounts of fully upgraded, monster arse-kicking artillery, held the line.

Phew.

North defeated.
East defeated.

“Haven’t we forgotten something?” Myles asked.

Dave scratched his head.
“Nope. I think we’re good.”

The base disagreed.

A tower has been destroyed.
One of our energy connectors has been destroyed.
A large chunk of the southern wall has been destroyed.

“Oh yeah,” said Dave.
“The South. It’s always the South that trips you up.”

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The South (Final, Absolute Chaos)

We teleported south, close to the action.

“Craig—” Dave began, before Myles could ask who built this crap.

It was frenetic.

Orbital bombardments rained from the sky.
Acid tornadoes flung monsters left and right.
Lightning turrets popped out like Christmas candy canes.

We fought.
We climbed over ruined walls.
We took the fight to the horde.

Dave ran out of grenades.

And still they came.

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Victory, Barely

At long last—it was over.

The monsters defeated.
Craig’s wall a smoking memory.
The gate fully charged.

90 seconds before it went unstable.

We hoofed it.

Myles dived in.

Flash of light.

We emerged on Earth.

Roll credits.

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Achievement Summary

• Dave achieved: Brittle (kill 100 enemies with Crystal wall explosions)

• Myles achieved: Walk in the Park (Vacation on Galatea 37 complete. Finish the campaign)

Craig – MIA
Zaph – MIA

Luckily, we saved before we powered up, so we can do it all over again with them.

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And that’s a wrap, folks.

Next week: a new survival game—Icarus.
Myles has tried it already and has been killed by wolves.

Twice.

Some traditions transcend games.

It Never Rains, But It Pours

 

Friday night in Rift Breaker began the way all our best evenings do: with optimism, mild planning, and Craig being immediately told no.

With Craig back on deck, we made the executive decision to restrict his metal usage by politely informing him that he was not allowed to build any more fences, because—hypothetically—we wanted that metal for research. This was received with the enthusiasm of a toddler being told the crayon buffet was closed.

After a brief but heartfelt hissy fit, Craig stormed off, refusing to speak to any of us, and began laying what can only be described as the world’s largest digital minefield, entirely contained inside his walls. It was less “defensive perimeter” and more “angry Morse code, but with explosives.”

Zaph, meanwhile, was bored. And when Zaph gets bored, things start beeping.

He wandered off and casually popped a few of the noisy rocks—the ones that attract every monster in earshot, neighbouring time zones included. The monsters, displaying an unexpected level of tactical awareness, avoided Craig’s minefield entirely. Craig, taking this personally, rearranged his mines to spell out ZAPH, just in case anyone was unclear about his emotional state.

We then did a few side quests to find different types of metal. This involved travelling to new locations, scanning for minerals, and trying to maintain a veneer of professionalism while Zaph continued to deliberately trip every monster attractor on the map. Craig, for his part, laid mines everywhere in the hope that the game would eventually reward him with an achievement simply titled “Please Stop.”

On the lava plains, we discovered how to build a magma power plant, which is objectively very cool and subjectively very hot. This involved piping lava around our base and trusting—against all available evidence—that Craig would not incinerate us all. It was a bold strategy.

You can also randomly scan the planet for new locations to explore, so naturally we did that for fun and to set up a second carbonite mining zone. Because nothing says responsible expedition like expanding infrastructure while under constant attack.

On one map, the required mineral could only be found in plants. Plants that needed encouragement. So we built special machinery to accelerate plant growth and harvest it. This, of course, required copious amounts of water and power, which led us to deploy some new tech that was just lying around. We extracted water, purified it, compressed it, and sent it via dimensional travel to the extractor feeding the growth machine.

This saved us from running pipes across the map—because monsters think pipes are the bees’ knees for snacks—and was a triumph of engineering, logistics, and not wanting to rebuild things repeatedly.

Naturally, all of this had to be defended while harvesting, so we let Craig off the leash. He immediately and merrily built fences like it was his last supper. There were fences. Behind fences. Guarding fences. Emotional support fences.

Meanwhile, Dave was trying to work out how to connect the liquid decompressor to the liquid compressor.

“Have you read the manual?” asked Myles.

“I may have burnt the manuals to start the campfire to cook dinner,” said Dave.

Eventually—through perseverance, intuition, and what may have been divine intervention—Dave figured it out. Open the console on the decompressor, select from the list of available compressors.

Easy. When you know how. And when the documentation is no longer ashes.

A couple of monster hordes and several total rebuilds later, we had all the tazenite we needed to attach a whatsit to our gateway back to Earth, which we were building at our main base with the confidence of people who absolutely do not understand half the technology involved.

With new technology unlocked, we suddenly needed supercoolant and flux capacitors, so Dave built a fusion plant. This was fed with water from the geothermal power plant, plus a sprawling nightmare of other plants, refineries, and storage units churning out new materials at an alarming rate.

And of course, five layers of walls and a comprehensive defence system—because nobody wants a fusion power plant going critical next to their base. Especially not with Craig nearby.

As an apology to Craig, Dave researched nuclear mines.

This may have been a mistake.

The night ended as a resounding success: research completed, incomprehensible technology constructed, and vague progress made toward getting back to Earth one day. Next session, we can start connecting it all together and pretending this was the plan all along.

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Achievement Summary

• Dave (1) achieved No water? No Problem – transfer 5000 of any liquid via the compressor/decompressor.

• Myles achieved No water? No Problem and Not enough space (scan for a new location on Galatea 37).

• Craig achieved Kaboom! (place a nuclear mine) and No water? No Problem.

• Zaph achieved No water? No Problem.

Everyone achieved survival, which frankly feels like the real win.