The Emperor May Protect, But Not from Poor Tactical Choices

Rogue Trader Chronicles: Myles and the Inadvertent Tech Priest Welcoming Party

The adventure was proceeding as smoothly as a warp jump through a region ominously labeled "DO NOT JUMP HERE" on all available star charts. Which is to say, with a level of chaos we should have anticipated but did not.

And then, of course, Myles found a corner.

A Corner of Infinite Regret

To be fair, it was a perfectly ordinary corner. No eerie runes, no glowing skulls whispering forbidden secrets, no helpful warning signs like, “Beware: Tactical Insertion of Six Mechanized Zealots in 3…2…1.”

So Myles, our valiant Officer, did what any of us might have done—he walked around it.

The universe, being the unfeeling and deeply malevolent entity it is, immediately rewarded this decision with an ambush. Specifically, a vertical ambush. From above.

With ropes.

Six very well-equipped and deeply enthusiastic Tech Priests abseiled down in what could only be described as a synchronized attack ballet, landing in a formation so precise that even Zaph muttered, "Okay, respect.”

Tactical Breakdown: Myles vs. Six Cybernetic Clerics

Myles, to his credit, took this development in stride.

"So, good news: We have company. Bad news: It’s six abseiling Tech Priests."

There was a moment of stunned silence on comms, followed by Craig’s thoughtful analysis:

"Ooooh. We’ve never had abseiling before."

Then Zaph: “How are you this bad at not triggering these things?”

And then Dave, ever the pragmatist: "Okay, but can you hold them off for two or three turns while we leisurely make our way there?”

Myles, having already pulled out his sidearm, gave what can only be described as an exasperated sigh. “Sure. Yeah. I’ll just... tank six Tech Priests, shall I?”

The Next Three Rounds: A Dramatic Reenactment

1. Round One: The "Oh No" Phase
   Myles heroically opened fire while trying to find cover that did not, in fact, exist. The Tech Priests, thoroughly unimpressed by his personal space requirements, advanced in terrifying unison while emitting eerie metallic prayers.
   Meanwhile, Pascal, ever the stoic Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus, was already in the thick of it—hurling grenades and cleaving foes with his axe while the rest of us shrieked and dodged. If anyone was handling this properly, it was Pascal.

2. Round Two: The "It's Fine, I'm Fine" Phase
   Myles dodged, rolled, and started taking potshots while possibly rethinking every decision that had led to this moment. Meanwhile, the rest of us were still at least two turns away, leisurely discussing whether or not Zaph should take an elevated sniping position or, and this is a direct quote from Craig,
   “rush in headfirst and see what happens.”
   Craig, in an act of apparent clumsiness (or was it?), accidentally hit his space bar, ending his turn prematurely and effectively setting Zaph up for the perfect sniper shot. We all believed it to be a mistake. In hindsight, Craig insists it was a masterstroke of tactical generosity.

3. Round Three: The "Okay, Actually, I Might Die" Phase
   The Tech Priests, being unreasonably efficient, had Myles pinned and began the process of “welcoming” him with a variety of terrifying mechanical adjustments he had no desire to receive.

   "Lads. Lads, I am NOT getting cybernetically baptized today—hurry up!"

   At which point, Dave finally arrived and made the tactical decision to not open with covering fire, but rather, to dramatically stride forward and yell, "The Emperor Protects!"

   Which, to be fair, he does. But not when Dave does it purely for the cinematic effect.

The Aftermath

By the time the rest of us actually got to Myles, he had sustained what we’ll diplomatically call “an unfortunate level of perforation.” Craig arrived just in time to kill-steal one of the Tech Priests after Myles had done all the hard work, and Zaph, naturally, had taken up position exactly one turn too late to be truly useful.

Dave, meanwhile, was completely unharmed. Suspiciously unharmed. As if the Tech Priests took one look at him and thought, “Oh, this one’s already 60% machine. No further work needed.”

With all six adversaries finally defeated, Myles took a moment to lean against the wall, bleeding dramatically.

"I would just like to reiterate that ANYONE could have triggered that."

To which Craig replied, “Sure. But it was you who actually did.”

Thus concluded yet another episode of "How Has This Party Not Died Yet?" Stay tuned for next week, when Craig almost certainly sets something important on fire.

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Toughness succeeded.

What's this switch do?

Luckily, the electricity targeted only the foe.

Well, being dogmatic and all, I had to kill him - it was the right thing to do.

Ah, yes, I may have gone ahead a little, and triggered some abseiling Tech Priests.

The void warp monsters seem to have way too much hit points.

So, this is the monastery power source, and you want to blow it up?  

SPEAR and Loathing: A Helldivers Tale

Operation: Spear Rules, Automatons Drool

Ah, Helldivers 2—the future where humanity's best solution to galactic survival is sending ill-equipped volunteers into a meat grinder while yelling "Democracy is non-negotiable!" As a change of pace, we dived back into this sucky version of the future last night, because nothing screams "fun" like constant existential dread and malfunctioning stratagem drops.

First up: three missions against the Automatons, because we apparently missed them so much. The automaton playbook is as follows: Be giant, metallic, and angry. Our plan? Fire SPEAR missiles at everything that moves (and some things that don’t, just in case). For the uninitiated, the SPEAR is a man-portable missile launcher. It’s single-shot, reloads slower than Craig solving a Sudoku, and the ammo pack takes up precious backpack space. But who needs a guard dog when you’ve got 500kg of automated problem-solving?

We added some spice to this by approving Craig to deploy anti-personnel mines, Tesla towers, and a 380 artillery barrage. Truly, we are masters of our own demise.

The Great Airfield Debacle

Our warm-up mission was a simple one: destroy the airfield and take out the command tower. Nothing could go wrong, right?

Wrong.

We hot-dropped into chaos. Myles, still reacclimating to the controls, immediately spotted a Giant Robot. “What do I do?!” he yelled as the SPEAR launcher refused to deploy. “RUN!” Dave shouted, already lobbing an orbital laser pokeball over his shoulder. Myles did just that, sprinting like a caffeinated squirrel as the flaming robot pursued him. Dave’s orbital strike hit home, reducing the mech to a molten heap. “Run faster next time,” Dave suggested helpfully.

Once we were re-armed, we scrambled toward our objectives. Drop ships rained enemies upon us, met by a symphony of SPEAR missiles and increasingly panicked shouts of “I need to reload!”. The airfield met its end via a 500kg bomb, and the command tower—well, that involved some improvisation. We summoned an SSD (a fancy USB stick for Helldivers), but Dave spent five frantic minutes searching for the terminal. Craig and Myles were too busy fighting bots to help. Eventually, Dave found the terminal and overloaded the heating system, blowing up the tower. “A Hellbomb would’ve been simpler,” he muttered.

Illuminate Missions: Never Let Children Play with Lightning Guns

With Myles now back up to speed, we tackled the Illuminate—a faction combining zombies, teleporting ships, and shielded monstrosities. What could possibly go wrong?

Defend the Base: The Swarm Strikes

“Bring turrets,” Dave advised, his voice dripping with wisdom. “And napalm. Lots of napalm.”

We set up a solid defense: turrets, Tesla towers, anti-tank emplacements, SPEARs, and enough ammo to supply a small army. It didn’t matter. The Illuminate blew the gates, swarmed our resupply point, and shielded their giant robots like overprotective parents at a school recital. Myles’ swearing reached new heights, punctuated by Dave yelling, “Craig, deploy the Teslas!” Craig complied, but his aim was… suboptimal. The Tesla tower took out a turret and Dave instead. “Great plan,” Myles deadpanned as he reloaded his SPEAR for the thousandth time. Somehow, we scraped by.

Urban Combat Chaos

Our next mission involved navigating small towns swarming with Illuminate ships. Myles tried to SPEAR a ship, only to learn that their shields laughed in the face of missiles. Dave demonstrated the proper method: “Rip the shields down first, then blow them up.” It worked, though grenades and orbital strikes proved equally satisfying.

We found a black box, lost it, retrieved it, then lost it again in a heroic display of teamwork. After multiple cross-map sprints, we uploaded its contents, proving once again that chaos always trumps planning.

The Kid and the Lightning Gun

Our final mission introduced us to an 8-year-old recruit. “Watch Craig get schooled by the kid,” Dave predicted. Turns out, the kid’s weapon of choice was a lightning gun—a weapon that, when misused, becomes a team-killing nightmare.

Mid-mission, as Myles and Dave were valiantly holding off waves of zombies and robots, the kid unleashed a zap that fried them both. “He’s worse than Craig,” Dave muttered, just as the kid fried Myles again.

The mission ended in true Helldiver fashion: chaos. Dave stopped to clear an outpost while Craig called in the dropship. Everyone piled in, leaving Dave stranded on the zombie-infested planet. “Oops, my bad,” Craig said cheerfully as the ship ascended.

Closing Thoughts

If last night proved anything, it’s that teamwork makes the dream work—and also creates spectacular trainwrecks. See you next week, comrades. Bring extra SPEAR missiles and a lightning gun-free zone.

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Addendum: Craig’s "Corrections"

Tonight, for a change of pace, we went back to Helldivers 2 to experience a different (yet no less sucky) version of the future. Myles needed a refresher—a complete refresher—so we did our first set of three missions against the Automatons. Later, we moved on to more difficult settings. As usual (and expected), Craig saved the day on all the levels we played. Myles was in complete awe of my awesomeness. No matter how many times I told him, "I’m not that great, I’m better," he continued fawning over me and my superior AMD-based PC.

Dave was suspiciously quiet throughout this. In fact, we hardly saw him as he was off on his high-priority side missions. Never mind the primary mission, eh Dave? Lastly, my protégé joined the game and impressed us all with his expert and highly accurate use of the arc blitzer gun. Myles endlessly praised his use of the weapon and was not short of words.

So, all in all, I saved the night again.