Operation: Spear Rules, Automatons Drool
Ah, Helldivers 2—the future where humanity's best solution to galactic survival is sending ill-equipped volunteers into a meat grinder while yelling "Democracy is non-negotiable!" As a change of pace, we dived back into this sucky version of the future last night, because nothing screams "fun" like constant existential dread and malfunctioning stratagem drops.
First up: three missions against the Automatons, because we apparently missed them so much. The automaton playbook is as follows: Be giant, metallic, and angry. Our plan? Fire SPEAR missiles at everything that moves (and some things that don’t, just in case). For the uninitiated, the SPEAR is a man-portable missile launcher. It’s single-shot, reloads slower than Craig solving a Sudoku, and the ammo pack takes up precious backpack space. But who needs a guard dog when you’ve got 500kg of automated problem-solving?
We added some spice to this by approving Craig to deploy anti-personnel mines, Tesla towers, and a 380 artillery barrage. Truly, we are masters of our own demise.
The Great Airfield Debacle
Our warm-up mission was a simple one: destroy the airfield and take out the command tower. Nothing could go wrong, right?
Wrong.
We hot-dropped into chaos. Myles, still reacclimating to the controls, immediately spotted a Giant Robot. “What do I do?!” he yelled as the SPEAR launcher refused to deploy. “RUN!” Dave shouted, already lobbing an orbital laser pokeball over his shoulder. Myles did just that, sprinting like a caffeinated squirrel as the flaming robot pursued him. Dave’s orbital strike hit home, reducing the mech to a molten heap. “Run faster next time,” Dave suggested helpfully.
Once we were re-armed, we scrambled toward our objectives. Drop ships rained enemies upon us, met by a symphony of SPEAR missiles and increasingly panicked shouts of “I need to reload!”. The airfield met its end via a 500kg bomb, and the command tower—well, that involved some improvisation. We summoned an SSD (a fancy USB stick for Helldivers), but Dave spent five frantic minutes searching for the terminal. Craig and Myles were too busy fighting bots to help. Eventually, Dave found the terminal and overloaded the heating system, blowing up the tower. “A Hellbomb would’ve been simpler,” he muttered.
Illuminate Missions: Never Let Children Play with Lightning Guns
With Myles now back up to speed, we tackled the Illuminate—a faction combining zombies, teleporting ships, and shielded monstrosities. What could possibly go wrong?
Defend the Base: The Swarm Strikes
“Bring turrets,” Dave advised, his voice dripping with wisdom. “And napalm. Lots of napalm.”
We set up a solid defense: turrets, Tesla towers, anti-tank emplacements, SPEARs, and enough ammo to supply a small army. It didn’t matter. The Illuminate blew the gates, swarmed our resupply point, and shielded their giant robots like overprotective parents at a school recital. Myles’ swearing reached new heights, punctuated by Dave yelling, “Craig, deploy the Teslas!” Craig complied, but his aim was… suboptimal. The Tesla tower took out a turret and Dave instead. “Great plan,” Myles deadpanned as he reloaded his SPEAR for the thousandth time. Somehow, we scraped by.
Urban Combat Chaos
Our next mission involved navigating small towns swarming with Illuminate ships. Myles tried to SPEAR a ship, only to learn that their shields laughed in the face of missiles. Dave demonstrated the proper method: “Rip the shields down first, then blow them up.” It worked, though grenades and orbital strikes proved equally satisfying.
We found a black box, lost it, retrieved it, then lost it again in a heroic display of teamwork. After multiple cross-map sprints, we uploaded its contents, proving once again that chaos always trumps planning.
The Kid and the Lightning Gun
Our final mission introduced us to an 8-year-old recruit. “Watch Craig get schooled by the kid,” Dave predicted. Turns out, the kid’s weapon of choice was a lightning gun—a weapon that, when misused, becomes a team-killing nightmare.
Mid-mission, as Myles and Dave were valiantly holding off waves of zombies and robots, the kid unleashed a zap that fried them both. “He’s worse than Craig,” Dave muttered, just as the kid fried Myles again.
The mission ended in true Helldiver fashion: chaos. Dave stopped to clear an outpost while Craig called in the dropship. Everyone piled in, leaving Dave stranded on the zombie-infested planet. “Oops, my bad,” Craig said cheerfully as the ship ascended.
Closing Thoughts
If last night proved anything, it’s that teamwork makes the dream work—and also creates spectacular trainwrecks. See you next week, comrades. Bring extra SPEAR missiles and a lightning gun-free zone.
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Addendum: Craig’s "Corrections"
Tonight, for a change of pace, we went back to Helldivers 2 to experience a different (yet no less sucky) version of the future. Myles needed a refresher—a complete refresher—so we did our first set of three missions against the Automatons. Later, we moved on to more difficult settings. As usual (and expected), Craig saved the day on all the levels we played. Myles was in complete awe of my awesomeness. No matter how many times I told him, "I’m not that great, I’m better," he continued fawning over me and my superior AMD-based PC.
Dave was suspiciously quiet throughout this. In fact, we hardly saw him as he was off on his high-priority side missions. Never mind the primary mission, eh Dave? Lastly, my protégé joined the game and impressed us all with his expert and highly accurate use of the arc blitzer gun. Myles endlessly praised his use of the weapon and was not short of words.
So, all in all, I saved the night again.
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