Traps, Cultists, and Questionable Choices: A Squad Story

 

Operation "The Emperor Protects, Mostly"

We rejoin our stalwart band of misfit mercenaries as they plod along the charred, demon-infested corridors of what might generously be called a "plan." Having survived two ambushes (largely thanks to Craig’s fondness for explosive solutions and Pascal’s fondness for running headlong into fire), we arrive at an intersection. Straight ahead lies a door, ominous and uninviting. To the right, a corridor leads to generators. Naturally, we sneak right—because the correct choice is always the one most littered with traps.

And oh, the traps! Disarming them one after another, Pascal mutters, "I think someone doesn’t want us here."

"You don’t say," Zaph replies dryly.

Once we’ve cleared the path, Pascal decides to violate the cardinal rule of adventuring—stick together—and pops open the door. Inside, cultists are dancing in a circle around a giant warp-thingy, surrounded by purple candles. What is it with cultists and their candle budgets?

Splitting the Party (Again)

We split up because, apparently, nobody remembers what happened last time we did that. Pascal, Lando, and Iria hold the door while Argenta, Reggie, Lemming Von Huffledink, and the Vegetable flank around the back. Argenta hides behind a conspicuously red barrel, leans out, and unloads a hail of bullets… directly into the barrel. It explodes spectacularly in her face.

"Right," she coughs, singed but alive. "Red equals bad. Got it."

Meanwhile, the Vegetable demonstrates the mechanics of cleaving by carving through two rebels like butter. Reggie, to everyone’s shock, actually lands a shot with his laser pistol, dispatching another rebel. We briefly debate testing Reggie for possession.

Back at the door, Pascal casually leans on his robotic arm, Lando snipes rebels with the casual confidence of someone who insists they were "definitely out of range," and Iria rubs her hands together like an over-caffeinated wizard, static sparks flying.

Enter the Big Bad

The cult leader stops chanting and advances with two blue demon bodyguards. "How bad can they be?" someone asks. Famous last words. They somersault toward Craig, who responds by cleaving them into next week. Myles, deeply impressed, orders him to repeat the move, and Craig complies, obliterating another demon.

Pascal, deciding the flames in the doorway are fake, runs through them and promptly sets himself on fire. Iria screams at the rebels to surrender, and one drops dead on the spot. "Note to self: buy earplugs if we ever find a shop," mutters Lando.

Chaos Unleashed

Once the cult leader is down, we examine his warp contraption. It’s covered in the same glass shards found near Theodora’s body. Argenta immediately accuses Theodora of heresy, leading to a heated argument with Iria, who defends her. Lemming, ever the diplomat, stands around awkwardly watching the drama unfold.

Downstairs, we stumble upon terrified hive workers. They beg for their lives, so naturally, we leave them and poke around elsewhere. Iria examines a cultist’s corpse, which transforms into a Herald of Tzeentch. Great. It mind-controls 15 workers and starts hopping around the room like a warp-infused Donkey Kong. After much screaming and shooting, we neutralize the threat—mostly. A few workers survive, though not our patience.

Rebel Redux

Back upstairs, Reggie finds a vox caster. Pascal launches into an unprompted lecture on the individuality of vox casters. "Every scratch, every antenna bend is unique!" he rants as we slowly back away from the deranged tech priest.

When we’re finally ready to move on, Reggie bolts ahead, climbs two ladders, and alerts a horde of rebels to our presence. Lemming mutters "traitor" under his breath as we climb after him. The rebels swarm Reggie and, predictably, kill him. Lemming, attempting stealth, points out nine rebels lurking in the shadows.

"We can take them by surprise if we…" he starts, but Craig interrupts by charging in. One rebel hoses Lemming down with a flamethrower, eliciting a shriek of "It burns, it burns!" in a disturbingly accurate Gollum impression.

Meanwhile, Iria electrifies three rebels, Craig cleaves another, and Argenta discovers the joys of suppressive fire. The sniper in the distance takes a shot, prompting Lando to grumble about "definitely being out of range."

Victory (Sort Of)

After much chaos, we defeat the rebels, loot their corpses, and hand Craig a grenade, despite better judgment. Lemming, still fuming over the lack of shops, blows up an anti-air battery with a melta charge for catharsis.

As we call it a night, someone mutters, "At least the Emperor protects… sometimes."

Post-Session Debrief

Our loot: minimal. Our sanity: questionable. Our teamwork: nonexistent. But hey, we survived another session. Craig still has his grenade, Pascal still has his rants, and Lemming still dreams of a world with shops.

Until next week, comrades, when we once again defy the odds—and each other—in the grimdark universe where the only certainty is that Craig will blow something up.