Last week’s expedition could best be described as a wildlife documentary narrated by something that hates us personally.
The theme was simple: nature vs. nurture, except nature brought teeth, claws, and a deeply personal vendetta. The nurturing part never really showed up.
Last week we all died by Polar bear, then some of us were rescued and died again by polar bear, and others died by wolf, and Craig died falling off a cliff. All in all, it was nature vs. nurture, with a lot of gnawing at our bones and no nurturing.
It was, in short, not our finest hour.
So this week we scheduled an extra session on Saturday, because clearly the correct response to catastrophic failure is to double down immediately and wander back into the frozen murder biome.
The mission objectives were simple:
1. Recover from last week’s polar bear–induced humiliation.
2. Run away from the Polar Bears with dignity (or at least speed).
3. Rescue Myles.
4. Head back to base alive, preferably with the same number of limbs we started with.
Amazingly, things started going well.
At one point we even shot a deer to distract a polar bear so Zaph and Dave could sneak past.
Myles’ commentary – amazing idea – great work, Dave.
Dave’s comment – I can’t believe that worked.
For once, the universe blinked first.
A Brief Moment of Competence
Back at our main base, we engaged in activities normally associated with people who are not being hunted by apex predators.
We mined some stone.
We fed the animals.
We patted the cat.
We put a roof on the extension Dave had been building.
It was domestic bliss, frontier edition.
Zaph, however, had learned an important lesson from the previous week.
Specifically: bows were useless against Polar bears.
This revelation led him to the only logical conclusion.
He learnt how to make a gun.
Dave, meanwhile, installed a fishing platform and fish traps because if there is one thing Dave cannot resist, it is building infrastructure in places that are actively trying to kill us.
Everything was going smoothly.
Which of course meant something terrible was about to happen.
The Craig Situation
“What about Craig?” you ask.
Ah yes.
Craig respawned, turned on the scanner that Dave forgot to do before we left, so he basically saved the mission – a true hero, who is now starving to death in the frozen wasteland (because why pack food) and waiting to be rescued.
Yes.
Craig had single-handedly saved the expedition.
Craig had also single-handedly stranded himself in the Arctic with no food.
Heroism is complicated.
The Radio Call
Don’t worry Craig, we are coming for you – Myles radioed.
I just need to make a checklist, check it twice, shoe the horses, pack all of Daves stuff, feed the animals, make medicine for Zaph etc, etc, etc.
On the other end of the radio came a burst of static.
Pssht, fizz, .. What? replied Craig – your are breaking up – Pssht, Pssht.
Stupid Comms – said Myles, who is yet to realise we are yanking his chain.
Naturally, we allowed this misunderstanding to continue.
For morale reasons.
This Week’s Song
Every epic journey requires a soundtrack.
This week’s song – Gonna Be – by the pretenders, sung by Zaph.
And it went a little something like this:
When I wake up, well, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to Craig on fire
When I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you
But I would ride 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks and rides a thousand miles
To save Craig from starving, scorpions and Polar bears
It was heartfelt.
It was heroic.
It was also slightly concerning.
The Expedition Begins
So here we are, on Friday the 13th, setting off on an epic arctic journey to rival Shackleton, Scott, Bourke and Wills.
Mount up! yelled Myles – Let’s get this wagon train rolling!
Dave, who has a long memory and a grudge that could power small machinery, immediately raised a concern.
Do we really have to rescue Craig? Dave whined – I mean, he is responsible for the gold dragon fiasco of 2001. I vote we leave him to die a painful death, so he learns a lesson.
Zaph, who was getting tired of Dave punishing Craig for the gold dragon episode, pointed his new rifle at Dave.
Something is getting shot tonight! he declared – I would prefer it to be a Polar Bear, but it could just as easily be you.
Dave considered this carefully.
Right replied Dave, got it, be right there, I just need to make some extra stuff to pack…. Rope, fur armour, food, animal bait, arrows.
⸻
Meanwhile, Craig Waits
Meanwhile, Craig is pondering the eternal question of life:
Have we forgiven him for the gold dragon debacle?
That’s a hard NO!!! from Dave.
Craig waited in the frozen wilderness contemplating this harsh truth.
Into the Frozen Pass
As Dave’s faithful buffalo had died last week, he was riding a horse this week.
Dave and Myles set off whilst Zaph was still having breakfast – destination – Scott hut in the Arctic Pass.
The journey was not peaceful.
There were wolves everywhere.
Dave and Myles had to stop often to shoot wolves, and when they weren’t shooting wolves, they were taking wide detours around large scorpions.
Not normal scorpions.
Scorpions the size of a pony.
Because apparently the planet looked at Earth wildlife and said, “Let’s scale that up.”
Finally, after dodging claws, stingers, and very poor life choices, they arrived at Scott hut.
There was a horse outside.
Inside, Zaph was warming his hands over a fire.
WTF!!! yelled Myles, throwing wolf meat on the fire.
Zaph just grinned.
what took you so long?
Dave, who was last as usual, replied:
Hey, these berries don’t pick themselves.
Zaph Goes Exploring
The next morning Zaph set off, gun in hand whilst Myles and Dave were having breakfast.
…that is the last we saw of him…
…for awhile.
The Lakehouse
When Dave and Myles arrived at the lake house – there was no sign of Zaph.
Myles checked the map.
Zaph was going the wrong way.
After a quick discussion with Zaph he decided to press on, hoping to find a new pass into the arctic region which would be closer to Craig’s last reported position.
Which was optimistic.
And probably unwise.
Craig’s Running Commentary
Craig, meanwhile, kept up a running commentary of complaints.
I am starving, the hut is falling apart, I can hear the scorpions trying to get in, what’s taking so long?
After listening to this for several minutes, we made the smart choice.
We turned off the radio.
Nobody wants to listen to the last sobbing cries of a dying hero.
Zaph vs The Scorpion
Finally, Zaph arrived at Mawson's hut.
He left food inside, grabbed his rifle, and went looking for revenge on the bear that had slaughtered his horse last week.
Circling the hut he could see one scorpion.
Just one.
It paced slowly in the snow.
Zaph sighted in his rifle.
He breathed in.
Then out.
Then took the shot.
Crack.
Chitin exploded from the scorpion’s head as it collapsed in the snow.
Victory.
Brief.
Zaph vs The Bear
Wap!!
A polar bear that had been stalking Zaph smacked him hard.
Zaph hit the snow rolling, desperately trying to bring his rifle to bear.
He fired.
The polar bear kept coming.
Munch. Crunch.
Zaph was dead.
And then in an act of sheer spite, the bear killed Zaph’s horse.
Score – Bear 2, Zaph 1.
Craig the Rescuer
It was all up to Craig.
Could he dodge the bear and rescue Zaph?
Craig considered this carefully.
Then declared:
I am going to wait for the guys to get here.
He hid in the hut.
Strategically.
⸻
Meanwhile, Back at the Lakehouse
Dave set up the fishing rods.
Myles threw meat on the BBQ.
If we had invented beer, we would have cracked open a cold one.
Dave’s Mobile Hardware Store
After a leisurely lunch, Myles decided to head out to meet the guys halfway.
Dave strapped a new cart onto a new buffalo and packed the essential supplies:
• A concrete furnace
• An anvil
• A work bench
• Wood
• The mission boards
• A spare horse
Because Craig didn’t have a mount.
Dave then headed out slowly.
Very slowly.
Because the spare horse refused to trot, canter, or gallop.
It preferred existential reflection.
The Pass
Eventually Dave arrived at the pass.
Myles was already there.
Surveying a mine.
Because if there is one thing Myles cannot resist, it is discovering new places to extract resources.
Craig’s Heroic Rescue
Meanwhile, back at Mawson's hut.
Craig had repaired the hut.
He had eaten cooked pumpkin.
Starving people are desperate people.
Then he snuck past the bear and rescued Zaph.
Zaph and Craig set off walking back to the pass.
Hiding from bears.
Sneaking past scorpions.
Trying very hard not to become wildlife snacks.
Eventually they reached Myles, who had ridden in partway to meet them.
Industrial Mining Operations
Another horse was called down.
Myles provided a saddle.
Then we set up shop at the mine to strip it of all its resources.
The Concrete Forge was installed, as this can turn any metal into ingots.
The anvil was deployed for repairs.
A workbench was deployed to allow refuelling of the lanterns.
We stoked it with coal.
And got busy mining.
Whilst Dave and Zaph were being productive, Myles built a campfire to cook meat.
The Forest Incident
Score: Myles 1, Forest 0
Yes.
Myles lit the forest on fire with a campfire.
On the plus side:
• We now have more charcoal than we have any use for
• Craig was not responsible
This alone marks the event as historically unusual.
The Trader Mission
After we got bored with mining, Myles signed us up for a new mission.
Provide some materials to a trader who wanted to open a store for purchasing vegetables.
Myles had decided if he couldn’t stop Dave picking flowers, he could at least make some money from it.
The Trader needed:
• Aluminium
• Sulphur
• Glass
• Beeswax
Easy peasy.
We mined some nearby silica and used the Concrete furnace to create Glass.
We turned the Aluminium we had mined into ingots.
We mined some nearby Sulphur deposits.
Meanwhile, Zaph headed back to the lakehouse with some bees he caught to make a bee house so we could collect honey.
Dave’s Expanding Industrial Empire
Dave and Myles packed up the mine.
We left the stone firepit for Craig to pack.
Oh well we can always make another one.
Back at the lakehouse, Dave added an extension to the house for all the new toys he needed.
Then got busy constructing them.
• Machinery bench
• Biofuel composter
• Kitchen Stove
• Fishing Station
• Concrete Furnace
Craig supplied stone and timber which mysteriously vanished into Dave’s industrial complex.
A barn extension was built to house the carpentry bench and other equipment.
Dave’s building projects now occupy roughly half the continent.
Beeswax Problems
Zaph was off doing real life chores.
Myles did a delivery run to the trader.
Soon the only thing outstanding was the beeswax.
Unfortunately:
It takes a long time for bees to make honeycomb.
Which then has to be ground up in a mortar and pestle to make Beeswax.
Bees are industrious.
But not that industrious.
The Delivery Run
Finally we had had enough.
Myles and Zaph set off to make that delivery whilst Dave installed an automated mining tool on a nearby Sulphur deposit.
The Trader had:
• A glass house
• Water pumped to his garden beds
• A nice two storey house
Zaph looked at the property.
Then turned to Myles.
Don’t let Dave see this Zaph commented – or we will never get him away from the house.
This Week We Learnt Things
(that we thought we learned last week)
• Polar Bears are freaking tough, and sneaky.
• Don’t get emotionally invested in your animals – they will die.
• You can get Craig to log in, but you have to really motivate him to rescue the rescue party.
• Don’t deploy a campfire on ferns, unless your goal is to burn down the forest.
⸻
Did We Achieve Anything This Week?
Fist of the mountain baby, FIST OF the MOUNTAIN.
Only 1.1% of players have achieved this…
…oh wait.
That’s Borderlands 4.
Surprisingly, Icarus said we achieved a few things.
Actual achievements.
Dave doesn’t have to make stuff up.
But he did anyway.
Achievements
Dave achieved – So Cool (Build a structure with Ice)
Myles achieved –
Highly Skilled (reach the bottom of a talent tree)
Pyromaniac (burn down a forest using only a campfire)
Craig achieved –
Stone is my Jam (Mine a thousand stone)
Lumberjack (chop down a hundred trees)
It wasn’t me (someone else burnt down the forest - really)
Zaph achieved –
Suited Up (Drop with a full suit of armour in your loadout)
Next Week
Tune in next week when:
Dave visits the trader to learn how to make a farm.
Zaph trains his third horse.
Myles feeds the animals fish chunks.
And Craig mines a stone mountain and chops down a forest to keep Dave too busy to talk about the Gold Dragon incident.
