Last Night’s Recap
Craig Dies a Lot (We Gave Up Counting)
Everyone wants to know the same thing this week:
How accurate was ChatGPT at predicting our adventure?
If you recall, last week—after we very nearly froze to death in the Arctic wastelands—we decided to take a different route home. Before setting off, we asked ChatGPT to predict how this week would go.
So how accurate was it?
“NO COMMENT!!!” said Dave.
No one likes a sore loser, Dave. So let’s get into it.
The Predictions
ChatGPT suggested that our journey would look something like one of the following:
A bold attempt to return home turns into a slow-motion endurance test featuring bad maps, worse supplies, and Craig confidently heading the wrong way.
The group embarks on a “shortcut” through the wilderness, discovering that every shortcut is just a longer route with more wolves.
An ill-prepared expedition tests friendships, navigation skills, and how many times Craig can almost die before blaming Dave.
What should have been a careful long haul becomes a rolling crisis of broken tools, empty stomachs, and increasingly passive-aggressive leadership.
A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.
We’re giving them an A+ for the summary, particularly:
A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.
All we have to say is: filtered water, Craig.
How hard is that to remember?
Enjoy your dysentery.
Theme Song Verdict
ChatGPT suggested “Everybody Hurts.”
We’ll give them a B- for effort.
The correct answer was clearly “A Horse With No Name.”
And frankly, the lyrics speak for themselves:
After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a riverbed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think Craig was dead
Poetry.
Let’s Skip Ahead to the Pain
The exciting bit is the actual recap, so let’s skip the pleasantries and jump right in.
The Journey Starts
ChatGPT predicted:
We set out at dawn, or at least at a time we all agreed counted as dawn, with full confidence that this long haul through the wilderness would be different. We had plans. We had supplies. We had maps. Naturally, none of these survived first contact with Craig.
That’s a solid B, but they forgot one key detail:
We only have one bedroll.
Since everyone needs a bedroll to sleep, we solved this by having Zaph and Dave log out so Myles could sleep and set the server to morning. Naturally, this only works if you have a fire.
Myles successfully built a fire without burning down the hut or the forest, which impressed everyone present.
The Journey Continues
ChatGPT predicted:
The route technically avoided the frozen wastelands, which is to say we only brushed against them repeatedly… Campfires became less of a convenience and more of a lifestyle… Dave began hoarding materials for crops we would never plant.
That’s a D. None of that happened.
Except the crop part — Dave picked wheat like a man trying to avoid genetically modified food.
At one point, Zaph told Craig to “Stop being Dave.”
“What does that even mean?” asked Dave.
“Stop being a hero? Athletic? Suave? Resourceful?”
Apparently it means:
Stop picking every berry you walk past.
No comment.
Mapping Accuracy Check
ChatGPT predicted:
We became very lost, briefly confident we were not lost, and then aggressively lost again… Someone suggested a shortcut… which we took anyway.
That’s an A.
Zaph did find a shortcut tunnel to the desert. For a brief moment, we felt smug. Then we were overwhelmed by predators: cougars, boars, scorpions, bubble-headed things, and an elephant hiding in the tunnel like it had made some poor life choices.
Myles’s riding Moa was killed. We recovered the saddle and retreated back to the forest.
Fires, Lakes, and Disposable Horses
We built fires by a lake, cooked meat, and made healing kits. Then we headed east toward another pass.
We lost a baby horse in a cave.
We caught another one for Myles.
We stopped at another lake to refill water.
Myles lost that horse too.
We caught another one.
Eventually, we found a pass to the desert that wasn’t immediately lethal. A peaceful stream meandered through it, promising an easy trip.
Zaph rode his horse off a waterfall and survived.
Dave followed with his buffalo.
Craig jumped, broke his leg, and was killed by hyenas.
Desert Life
There was a storm. Dave ran around trying to find trees to cut down. Zaph calmly built a shelter. We all huddled safely inside.
Craig died.
Desert Predictions vs Reality
ChatGPT predicted:
Zaph scouted ahead… Myles tried to keep everyone moving… Craig lagged behind, collecting sticks, and slowly dying in ways that were somehow everyone else’s fault.
That is spot on.
A+.
The desert was brutal. Dysentery. Broken legs. Scorpions. Cougars. Hyenas that hunt in threes and laugh at you.
Craig died repeatedly. When he wasn’t dying, he was dragging predators toward Myles. Myles lost another pony. Craig ran out of arrows. Myles’s knife broke. We scavenged arrows from dead animals.
Meanwhile, Zaph:
Zoomed ahead
Went home
Unloaded
Restocked
Read a book
Checked the map
Provided directions
Then came back for us.
Did We Make It Home?
ChatGPT predicted:
We eventually made it home… because the planet decided we had suffered enough.
ChatGPT — you suck.
That’s an F.
At no point did the planet decide we had suffered enough.
After three miserable hours of predators, dead mounts, no supplies, and Craig, we survived everything the planet could throw at us.
Craig arrived last.
He even got lost with the house in sight.
Achievements (Or Lack Thereof)
ChatGPT predicted:
Nothing important was learned. Everyone blamed someone else. We agreed to do it again.
A+.
We did improve the house:
Added a second floor
Zaph added named cupboards at our beds
Myles built a carpentry bench
Dave added a machining bench, heavy equipment extension, concrete mixer, concrete forge, and biofuel composter
Craig provided raw materials.
Dave turned iron into nails.
Myles refined wood and rope.
Zaph was on a break.
Icarus says we achieved nothing.
So we made some up.
Totally Real Achievements
Dave achieved:
Veterinarian (used the most healing on his buffalo)
Hypoxemia (ran out of oxygen)
Blisters (made everyone else work)
Myles achieved:
Exfoliated (lost the most foals)
Desiccated (ran out of water)
Potty Mouth (used the most swear words)
Craig achieved:
Misotheism (hated by the universe)
I Am Bait (attracts every predator)
Zaph achieved:
Pixelated (vanished into the distance)
Speleologist (found every cave)
Distraction (you don’t have to outrun the bear — just lead it to Craig)
ChatGPT achieved:
A solid D, because A+, B, D, A, A+, A+ equals D in Dave math.
You’re either 100% right, or you get the lowest score.
And of course, we’ll be back to do it all again next week.
Look, I made a crossbow and wanted to test out the aiming mechanism, how was I to know that this was Craig's mount. It was wondering well away from the stables, and had no saddle.
