Ah, Seville. Land of flamenco, tapas, and the ominous void in my chair at the gaming table. While I was off basking in the Spanish sun, sipping sangria, and pretending I could tell the difference between authentic Iberian ham and the stuff we get in shrink-wrap, the rest of you lot were gallivanting around in an icy wasteland, dying, looting, and making questionable decisions. I feel like I’ve missed something important—though based on Craig’s “miracle-followed-by-falling-in-a-hole” routine, I’m also fairly certain I haven’t.
Let’s unpack this, shall we?
1. Marauders, But Make Them Flaming
It all started with the noble quest to recover a blast furnace—because, naturally, what we really needed wasn’t more practical weapons or survival gear, but the ability to produce artisanal steel pickaxes and luxury armor. You know, priorities.
Apparently, the Marauders (formerly "those guys with the dual poison swords who killed us repeatedly") had upgraded to flamethrowers. Logical escalation, I suppose. What I’m struggling with is why we don’t have flamethrowers. As Craig would say, “We can craft furniture, enchant weapons, and farm goats, but pyrotechnics are where we draw the line?”
Of course, Dave glided past the Marauders like some sort of underdressed snow angel, leaving Zaph and Craig to "die several times" (your words, not mine). This may sound frustrating, but let’s not forget: Dave has the attention span of a caffeinated ferret, and if there's a shiny thing somewhere in the distance, he's going for it. He probably found something “rare” like frost-covered onions while you were all being flambéed.
2. Death Shroud and Lemming Behavior
Then there was the part where you tried to bypass a lethal "death shroud" by following Craig. Let me repeat that: you followed Craig. That's like asking a fish for hiking directions. Predictably, this involved scrambling over rocks, mining your way up a mountain, and realizing, as always, that Craig’s “shortcut” was just a scenic route to futility. Back to Northern Peaks it was.
(For those keeping score: Marauders-5, Party-0, Craig-Detour Champion of 2024.)
3. Cyclops Boss Fight: Dave’s Interpretive Dance
Your next bold strategy involved charging into a cave guarded by a cyclops. Naturally, Dave couldn’t wait to "dance" around the boss, presumably yelling things like, “Distract it while I do sick glider flips!” and "Look, fizzy goats!" This, in turn, left Zaph to snipe and Craig to do whatever it is Craig does (loot the chest, of course).
Oh, the chest was empty? How shocking. I’m sure Dave has no idea where the treasure went. Check his backpack; it’s probably stuffed with gold, "fey goat cheese," and whatever rare fauna he’s decided to hoard this week.
4. Frozen Craig and the Castle That Wasn’t
Fast forward to the Albanese Summits, where you encountered the classic survival issue: someone forgot their coat. Craig, being that someone, died repeatedly of frostbite while the rest of you huddled around a flame shrine. I do admire his perseverance, though. Respawn, freeze, die. Respawn, freeze, die. Rinse, repeat. It’s practically a performance art piece.
Meanwhile, Zaph and Dave stormed the castle without him, only to discover no blast furnace and a boss who healed halfway through the fight. Their solution? Slam the door in its face and ransack the place. That’s some top-tier adventuring.
By the time Craig rejoined the group, presumably wearing a fashionable parka made of goat hair, the three of you managed to kill the boss and retrieve… the plans for the elusive blast furnace. At last! A moment of triumph! Which was immediately undercut by Craig falling in a frozen lake. Again.
5. Lava Lighthouse and the Tapestry of Uselessness
At some point, someone thought it would be a good idea to hunt down a tapestry for the alchemist. Because nothing screams "practical survival" like antique textiles. This led to the discovery of a lighthouse in the middle of a lava lake. Who builds these things? Was the architect a Bond villain?
Craig, naturally, glided short and got stuck outside in the dark. Zaph, ever the overachiever, landed triumphantly on top of the lighthouse, probably striking a heroic pose while Dave tried to emulate him and instead plummeted to his death. Craig’s subsequent stairwell tussle with a blue dragon was just the icing on the cake.
And the tapestry? It allowed the alchemist to make… advanced antidotes. Absolutely riveting. Can’t wait to heal from all those poison flamethrowers.
6. Mauve Fabric, Giant Pumpkins, and Craig’s Water-Walking Miracle
Finally, after all the blood, frostbite, and frustration, progress was made. You figured out how to craft purple fabric and hard leather—obviously critical in the war against flamethrowers. Zaph logged off immediately after securing his first batch of mauvite (likely to go design a spreadsheet of optimal armor stats). Craig, on the other hand, celebrated by walking on water, which, according to the blog notes, was "miraculous." I assume this lasted about five seconds before he dug into the ice and fell in.
Meanwhile, Dave continued his relentless campaign of goat-milking, pumpkin-growing, and overachieving. Because what’s a fantasy adventure without artisanal fey dairy and enormous gourds?
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, while I was enjoying churros in Seville, you lot were freezing to death, being roasted alive, and otherwise embarrassing yourselves in spectacular fashion. I have to say, I’m both impressed and appalled. And let’s be honest: this blog isn’t just a recap—it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks following Craig into the unknown is a good idea.
P.S. Craig, I hear you saved everyone at one point. No one thanked you? I’m shocked. Absolutely stunned. But don’t worry—your next hole-digging catastrophe will surely restore the natural order.
Yours in absentia,
Myles
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