Dragon Pickpocketed, Muffins Served

If Craig had been appointed Official Historian, every history book would be three pages long, Napoleon would have "won a bit," and the Titanic would have been remembered as "a minor boating inconvenience."

Here's a version that feels like something Craig would sincerely submit to the editorial board after several ginger beers.

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Craig's Official After Action Report
(Submitted for immediate publication. Accuracy pending review.)

Last night was a textbook example of calm professionalism.

The mission began with everyone sensibly following Craig's flawless leadership. There may have been some monsters, explosions, frantic shouting and several near-death experiences, but these were all part of Craig's carefully orchestrated strategy and should not be confused with "things going horribly wrong."

At the pivotal moment, a dragon appeared.

Recognising that violence is often the least imaginative solution, Craig heroically approached the enormous apex predator and, through a combination of courage, finesse and fingers that definitely weren't shaking, successfully pickpocketed it.

The dragon, clearly impressed by this display of supreme confidence, allowed the operation to continue.

With the crisis averted, the party naturally acknowledged Craig's tactical brilliance. Myles quietly admitted that years of careful planning had merely been an elaborate prelude to Craig's moment of greatness. Dave agreed that, in hindsight, collecting all those crafting materials had simply been preparation for Craig's inevitable triumph. Zaph, never one for excessive praise, gave the highest compliment known to mankind:

"Not bad."

Returning to base, Craig demonstrated that true heroes are not defined solely by battlefield achievements. Great leaders also provide for their people.

Muffins were baked.

Fresh.

Perfectly risen.

Not a single one burnt.

The smell drifted through the settlement like divine intervention, drawing the weary survivors home from their various acts of panic and poor decision-making.

These culinary masterpieces were accompanied by generous lashings of ginger beer, served in celebration of another perfectly executed expedition in which absolutely nothing unexpected had occurred.

Toasts were made.

Glasses were raised.

Someone may even have started a slow clap.

By unanimous decision, Craig was proclaimed:

Leader of the Expedition.

Hero of the Realm.

Great Pickpocketer of Dragons.

Master Baker.

Generally Excellent Fellow.

The minutes record no dissenting voices whatsoever.

Any rumours that this account differs in even the slightest detail from what actually happened should be treated as malicious slander, fabricated by jealous historians who weren't there.

The End.