Who Let the Wolves Out
A completely avoidable series of events, featuring architecture, agriculture, arson, and wolves. Mostly wolves.
It really does say something about a game when it becomes so offensively enjoyable that real life begins to pile up in quiet protest. Laundry mounts insurgencies. Dishes form alliances. Responsibilities glare at you from across the room like disappointed parents. And so, naturally, we scheduled a makeup session to deal with the far more pressing issue of in-game housework. Everyone was there.
Even Craig.
This, historically, has never been a reassuring statement.
A Brief History of Our Housing Market Failures
Before we begin, a moment of reflection.
Somewhere in Enshrouded, there exists a Spiderhouse. Within it are starving animals. Forgotten. Abandoned. Possibly writing memoirs about us.
On Dune, our once-epic mansion was sandblasted into myth by dust storms.
And on some long-forgotten realm, we were forcibly evicted by a Gold Dragon.
(Thanks, Craig.)
With this impeccable track record in mind, we decided—confidently, boldly—that it was time to move house again.
The Great Relocation Initiative™
Myles, dusting off his long-neglected leadership credentials (still slightly singed from prior misuse), declared that the rustic cottage was being criminally underutilised. It needed purpose. It needed vision.
It needed to be moved down to the lake.
Closer to the shop.
A sentence which, at the time, seemed reasonable.
Dave, never one to resist a full teardown, immediately declared the Half Stone–Half Wood Lakehouse obsolete—a relic of a less enlightened age (roughly last week). He proceeded to ransack it with the enthusiasm of a man who had just discovered all his possessions were technically lootable.
Workbenches? Gone.
Supplies? Gone.
Structural dignity? Optional.
Everything was loaded onto the cart, hauled to the rustic house… which was then also dismantled. Because consistency matters.
Urban Planning, But With Wolves
We took a leisurely circuit around the lake to find the perfect building site. This involved walking, pointing, second-guessing, and Craig wandering off in straight lines for reasons known only to Craig.
Eventually, a location was chosen.
A double-storey house was constructed.
A fenced enclosure for mounts was added.
A series of increasingly aggressive wolves objected to this development.
The wolves attempted to eat the mounts.
We objected to this objection.
Violence ensued.
Meanwhile, Dave, deep in his architectural phase, installed a sloped roof. This was a bold design choice, primarily because we ran out of materials halfway through.
The result: a roof that could best be described as philosophically complete.
Fire Safety Planning (Sort Of)
On the positive side, we established a robust emergency protocol:
If Myles burns down the forest,
we can all hide in the lake.
This will become relevant later.
🎵 This Week’s Musical Interlude 🎵
As foretold, Craig took on the role of travelling bard, delivering a rendition of On the Road Again that can only be described as autobiographical negligence:
🎵
On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin' trouble for my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again,
Don’t know where I’m going but I’m sprinting in,
There’s wolves ahead but I’ll just lean right in,
Can’t wait to pull aggro once again…
On the road again,
Zaph is yelling “stop” but I ignore my friend,
Myles drawing maps I’ll never comprehend,
Dave’s still picking flowers in the end…
On the road again,
Something big is chasing—guess I’ll kite it then,
Or maybe bring it back to base and see what happens when,
We all die horribly again…
🎵
A haunting ballad. A warning, really.
Pre-Zaph Productivity (A Rare Phenomenon)
In an unprecedented display of efficiency, Dave, Myles, and Craig logged in two hours early to finish the house so it would be pristine when Zaph arrived.
Dave, fuelled by purpose and possibly caffeine, established mining drills on nearby coal, gold, and aluminium deposits.
He then improved the house:
Added a vestibule
Removed doors (because doors are apparently a suggestion)
Roofed Craig’s firepits to prevent rain-related existential crises
Meanwhile, Myles requested agricultural expansion. Dave responded by:
Building a shovel
Moving dirt
Installing garden plots
Planting coffee, cocoa, carrots, sugar cane, and tea
Civilisation had arrived.
Craig vs Forestry: Round 47
Craig, unsupervised, chopped down another forest.
He stacked the lumber directly in everyone’s way.
Then complained—complained—when we used it to build:
Farm plots
Sap
Biofuel
Furniture
A door
(One door. Let’s not get carried away.)
Ore, Ingots, and Mild Disappointment
Myles and Craig embarked on a mining expedition, hauling back vast quantities of ore.
Progress was made. Ingots were forged.
And yet, despite all advances in technology and civilisation, Craig still could not reliably place ore in the correct furnace.
Some mysteries endure.
The Shop (A Monument to Expectations)
Myles and Zaph had spent considerable time describing the shop to Dave.
It had:
Expansive farming
Drip watering systems
A greenhouse
They spoke of it with the reverence normally reserved for ancient wonders.
Dave arrived. Looked at it.
“I expected it to be bigger,” he muttered.
And thus, reality reasserted itself.
Project: Exterminates – Lupus
Myles, increasingly irritated by nearby world bosses refusing to pay rent, initiated a project.
He armed himself with:
Spiked walls
Hedgehogs
Determination
The plan: remove wolves from the tenancy agreement.
Dave returned from the old house with remaining workbenches and completed the roof—ensuring, crucially, that none of the sections aligned in the same direction.
Craig built another inconvenient wood pile.
Balance was restored.
The Wolf Incident (Which Was Definitely a Bear)
After dinner, we gathered for the grand hunt.
Zaph logged in. Assessed the situation. Asked, “what are we hunting?”
“A bear,” declared Dave confidently, pointing at his map.
Zaph, using actual vision, replied:
“No bear. Lots of wolf tracks. Are you sure it’s not a wolf?”
“Definitely a big bad bear… just look at the world boss symbol.”
Craig triggered the fight.
Because of course he did.
“Wolves!! Why does it have to be wolves,” Dave moaned, missing every shot as the pack charged.
The wolves smashed into the fortifications, tearing down walls before the boss had even arrived.
Then it appeared.
A colossal black wolf. Red eyes. Flaming paws. A creature seemingly forged from spite and poor decision-making.
A hellhound.
And somehow…
No one died.
This alone should be recorded as a statistical anomaly.
After much chaos:
Zaph and the team shredded its defenses
Craig illuminated the battlefield with green flare arrows
Myles’ hedgehogs delivered the final, humiliating blow
The beast fell.
Project Exterminates – Lupus: Success.
The Silence of Craig
We skinned the wolves and returned home.
Myles stayed behind to dismantle fortifications.
Craig grew quiet.
This is never good.
The Fire
As Myles rode away, he glanced back at the lakehouse, glowing in the morning light.
A proud moment.
Then a pause.
The sun… was in the wrong direction.
The glow intensified.
The forest was on fire.
Myles turned and rode back at full speed, only to find Craig calmly cooking meat on a campfire placed directly on flammable ferns.
The surrounding forest had already transitioned into charcoal.
No dragon required. The culprit was obvious.
Eventually, the fire burned itself out.
Which, frankly, was the best-case scenario.
Predator: Not Arnold Schwarzenegger
We regrouped for a new mission.
“Predator something.”
“It's not the predator from the movie is it?” Dave asked. “Because I forgot to pack Arnold Schwarzenegger and a minigun.”
“I am sure its just bored house cat,” Myles replied. “Easy peasy.”
This optimism would not age well.
Tracking… Or Not
Myles built fortifications.
Zaph instantly killed the pack leader.
The mission updated: find tracks.
We searched for 30 minutes. Nothing.
Eventually, Zaph discovered the tracks.
They were under a wall.
A wall built by Myles.
There was a moment.
We moved on.
Preparations and Delay
We followed tracks, killed wolves, and eventually located the creature’s future appearance point.
It would emerge at dusk.
It was currently breakfast.
So naturally, we:
Built a barn
Stopped Craig from starting another forest fire
Constructed more hedgehogs
Because you can never have enough hedgehogs.
Dusk remained stubbornly distant.
So we called it.
Lessons Learned (Debatable)
Dave attempted to enjoy Borderlands 4, found the loot system offensive, and updated his negative review accordingly.
Icarus, meanwhile, insisted we had achieved things.
Which seems optimistic.
Achievements (Some More Questionable Than Others)
Dave: Thirsty (Build a 50 litre water tank)
Myles: Rock ‘n’ Roll (mine all the types of Ore)
Craig:
Highly Skilled
Pyromaniac (unofficial but undeniable)
What’s that green glow?
Zaph: One Shot Kill
Final Assessment
Craig cannot be trusted with:
Fire
Shopping
Gold Dragons
Maps
Scouting
Cooking
Building
He can be trusted with:
Mining stone
Chopping trees
Melting snow
And even then, he somehow burns the water.
Tune in next week when:
Dave learns farming from a trader
Zaph trains his third horse
Myles feeds animals fish chunks
Craig continues his lifelong quest to ensure no forest survives
And, critically, to keep Dave too distracted to mention the Gold Dragon incident ever again.
1 comment:
what an awesome song for an awesome person is all I can awesomely say in my awesome voice / type with my awesome fingers. We just need to get Supertramp to do to the tune of the "Logical Song" but with the lyrics to the "Awesome Song". Guaranteed awesome top seller.
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