Sir Stripes and the Questionable Leadership Initiative
(Or: How a Zebra Achieved More Than Craig With Fire)
The evening began, as all great expeditions do, with a bold declaration and an immediate undermining of said declaration.
“Safe Desert statement – nowhere is safe.”
This was not so much a warning as it was a prophecy. A prophecy that would, in time, be fulfilled by Craig. But that comes later. It always does.
The Rise (and Immediate Unionization) of Sir Stripes
Since Myles, in a rare moment of what could generously be described as “strategic thinking,” suggested that Sir Stripes (the zebra) should be placed in charge of missions, Dave took it upon himself to make this a reality. He retrieved Sir Stripes from the space station via drop pod—a journey which, much like budget airlines, was technically functional but emotionally devastating.
Sir Stripes did not enjoy the trip.
Upon landing, Sir Stripes staged what can only be described as a full industrial strike. No movement. No cooperation. No eye contact. A silent protest against both gravity and management.
Another bug, thoughtfully provided by the Icarus developers.
Myles observed all this and quietly began reconsidering past life decisions.
Dave’s Agricultural Empire (Now With Singing)
While Sir Stripes processed his trauma, Dave entered what can only be described as an agrarian fugue state.
Thirty growing plots were deployed with the urgency of a man who had recently seen the price of coffee in orbit. Coffee was planted. Carefully. Lovingly. Possibly whispered to.
Dave sang to the plants.
He watered them.
He rearranged sections of the house to improve sunlight exposure, effectively performing architectural surgery for the benefit of beans.
Soon, the first crop cycle completed:
Squash → compost
Soybeans → vegetable oil
Coffee → Ren (and quiet, unspoken power)
Naturally, Dave hid the coffee where Myles would never find it.
In a cupboard.
The sheer audacity of this concealment strategy cannot be overstated.
The Platinum Crusade
Meanwhile, Myles set a goal. A real goal.
After only 40 hours of gameplay, it was deemed time to upgrade from the original wooden crossbow—an artifact that had seen things no wooden object should see.
The target: a shiny new platinum crossbow.
The problem: there was no platinum.
Thus began the Grand Tour of Holes:
Every cave
Every mining site
Every suspiciously dark crevice
Myles became one with the earth. A roaming, slightly irritated mineral detector.
Dave, recalling that Craig had once found a deep platinum deposit (and that no one had ever successfully extracted it), began construction of an excavator. Because of course he did.
Two hours later:
Dave had harvested four additional crop cycles
Myles had enough platinum for a scoped crossbow
Balance was restored to the universe.
Temporarily.
Goal Setting (or: The Illusion of Structure)
Dave, not content with agricultural dominance, set further goals:
A brick fireplace with cooking racks
Internal stairs to the second floor (strategically placed to confuse Craig)
A dehumidifier to prevent cave sickness
Myles set goals grounded in reality:
Help the fishing trader
Help the hunter
Loot the cave of wonders
Craig set goals consistent with historical precedent:
Call down more mounts
Recharge the flamethrower
Burn down a forest or two
It was at this point that the audience collectively leaned forward, knowing exactly which of these would be completed first.
The Fire (Which Was Not Craig)
Night fell.
Dave prepared to rest after a long day of farming and architectural misdirection.
Then came the glow.
A strange red light stretched across the lake. Dave looked up to see the trees on the far side engulfed in flames.
“CRAIG!!! Why is the forest on fire?”
“It wasn’t me!!” declared Craig.
Dave squinted.
There, illuminated by the inferno, was a figure running from the burning trees.
A figure on fire.
A figure that looked suspiciously like Craig.
“CRAIG!!! I can see you on fire, running away from the fire.”
“Never happened,” Craig insisted, before diving into the lake in what he presumably believed was a legally binding alibi.
Myles shook his head.
Sir Stripes remained the smartest member of the group.
Musical Interlude (Rewritten for Legal Safety and Emotional Accuracy)
That evening’s work song, delivered by Myles, bore a striking resemblance to a well-known tune but had clearly evolved through exposure to poor decision-making:
Heigh-ho!
Heigh-ho!
Off to fix things we go
A farmer saved, mildly amazed
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, oh noWe dig and dig and dig and dig
Because someone said “there’s ore”
We dig and dig and dig and dig
Then Craig digs slightly moreIt’s not a trick to strike it rich
If you don’t explode the cave
But history shows, and everyone knows
That Craig is rarely brave
(Or sensible.)
The song was met with polite silence and mild concern.
The Desert (Again)
The group finally reached the desert.
This occurred shortly after Dave led everyone off a cliff.
He had missed a turn.
The fisherman’s hut was discovered in a state best described as “structurally optional.” It was repaired, outfitted with a fishing bench, and stocked with traps.
A massive bear was fought.
The fisherman was healed.
In return, he allowed the group to fish and sell fish.
This was widely regarded as a poor investment of time.
War Preparations and Desert PTSD
Myles initiated the next mission via his pocket device, prompting a return to base to craft:
Gunpowder
Shells
Flares
Smoke grenades
Then came the long journey north.
The wind howled.
Or possibly Myles did.
Post Desert Stress Disorder (PDSD) was still very much a factor.
A shortcut was found.
Hope returned.
Competence (Briefly)
Under the leadership of Sir Stripes, the desert expedition proceeded with alarming efficiency:
No one died
No mounts died
A hyena, scorpion, and jaguar were eliminated
At one point, someone asked if Myles was even playing.
There had been no swearing.
This was deeply unsettling.
The Hunter’s Unreasonable Expectations
The hunter refused to speak to the group until they had killed every animal within a 50-mile radius.
So they did.
Animals were skinned.
Heads were collected.
Bags were filled with trophies in a manner that raised several ethical questions.
Craig was chased by a bear.
Because Craig.
Sir Stripes nearly died to scorpions.
Eventually, the hunter was satisfied.
Profit Margins
All gathered vestiges and animal parts were sold for:
$191 Ren
This was significantly more profitable than fishing.
The fisherman remained quietly irrelevant.
The Cave of Wonders (Which Is Definitely Safe)
Around the fire that evening, Dave spoke of a legendary cave located in the cliffs between two waterfalls.
Myles declared it the group’s new life goal.
No one objected.
This was a mistake.
The Journey North (Featuring Looting and Mild Theft)
Along the way, the group encountered:
A mysterious door frame in the forest
Their old riverside house
Expecting devastation (courtesy of Mojo, the Friday the 13th black cat), they instead found everything alive.
Even Mojo.
Animals were shipped off-world.
The house was stripped bare.
Dave dismantled structural components with the enthusiasm of a man redecorating reality.
The Fire (Still Following Craig)
As the group traveled north, a forest fire followed behind them.
It remained suspiciously close to Craig.
No further questions were asked.
The Motherlode
The cave was found.
It was vast.
It was rich.
It was clearly the kind of place where something terrible should happen.
A small base was established:
Smelters
Cupboards
Workbench
Forge
Myles and Dave mined.
Craig did absolutely nothing.
At some point, Zaph arrived and contributed by building ramps like a responsible adult.
The Worm (Possibly Real, Possibly Dave)
Dave, sensing things were going too well, introduced a story about a giant land shark that carved the cave.
Myles questioned why this warning arrived 30 minutes late.
This matched Dave’s known behavioral pattern: prioritizing shiny things over survival.
The story was therefore considered plausible.
Myles developed Post Traumatic Cave Disorder (PTCD).
Future mining operations are now in doubt.
Extraction and Return
The cave was thoroughly cleared.
Ingots were packed.
Horses were loaded.
The site was preserved for future exploitation.
The dehumidifier worked perfectly.
Zaph questioned why it had never been used before.
Dave explained it was “way, way down the tech tree.”
This satisfied no one.
The Journey Home (Craig vs Geography)
The group began the long return to Winchester.
Dave sped ahead on Sir Stripes.
Zaph rode Mr Laggy, a horse defined by its lack of defining traits.
At one point, Dave paused to photograph Myles and Craig approaching via the path.
Instead, they descended directly down the side of a mountain.
Craig had decided this was the easier route.
No further explanation was provided.
Final Obstacles
A stop at the hunter to sell a single head
A desert crossing
A worm ambush in the shortcut cave
The worms were presumed to be reclaiming stolen property.
Home, Bees, and Closure
The group returned home.
Sir Stripes posed heroically after kicking bees that had been following Dave for approximately 100 miles.
Dave harvested the final crop.
Myles was sent to sell goods.
Order was restored.
Lessons Learned
Those who wander the desert are not lost—just following Craig
Farming (305) beats Hunting (195) beats Fishing (2)
No forest is safe from Craig
Dave’s stories are occasionally true, which is frankly worse
Achievements
Dave: Mountie (Level 50 mount – Sir Stripes)
Myles: Delegation (Leadership transferred to a zebra)
Craig: Saw it Coming (Chainsaw usage), Ringleader (10 animals tamed)
Zaph: Money, Money, Money ($10,000 earned)
Closing
Tune in next week as the group investigates what lies at the bottom of the lake.
And Zaph presents Myles with a zebra.
Which, historically, has gone very well.
Oh, and how not to park your Zebra
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