The Great Enzyme Debacle

Or: Landmines Suck, Really, Really Suck

There are moments in every long-running expedition where leadership falters, wisdom is absent, and common sense quietly packs its bags and leaves the room. This was one of those moments.

It began, as all disasters do, with curiosity.

“What are these geysers, and are they valuable?” asked Zaph, peering into the bubbling maw of what can only be described as Nature’s Angry Kettle. 

Dave, already halfway down the slippery slope of Poor Decisions™, did some quick research. “Looks like we can extract Enzymes or Exotics from them,” he said. 

“That sounds fun,” responded Craig, which should have been everyone’s cue to immediately leave the area, dismantle the base, and possibly uninstall the game. 

But no.

It is at this precise juncture that Myles would normally intervene. There would be talk—lengthy, sensible, and tragically ignored—about risk versus reward, opportunity cost, and perhaps the minor detail that everything on Icarus wants to eat you. Chores would be suggested. Sensible chores. The kind that do not end in explosive dismemberment.

Myles was not present.

And so, naturally, the children played.

Phase One: Industrial Optimism

Armed with confidence and a worrying lack of oversight, the team gathered supplies. Dave constructed an Enzyme extractor. Zaph, ever the cautious professional, asked how it worked.

“Apparently you just deploy it on the geyser, and switch it on,” Dave explained. “It does come with a warning that it might (low possibility) attract wildlife.” 

“Maybe we should deploy some defences,” Zaph suggested, like a man who has seen how this story ends.

“I am refueling my flamethrower,” responded Craig, which was not so much a plan as it was a declaration of intent.

Dave, meanwhile, refused to sully the landscape with Myles-approved wooden fortifications. “I don’t want those butt ugly wooden things Myles puts up,” he said. “There must be something better we can build.” 

And thus began the construction of what can only be described as the Fortress of Overengineering.

Stone walls. Refined wood spikes. Concrete walls with concrete spikes. Buttresses. Gates. An entire portable fortress for “miners on the go,” as if this were a casual weekend hobby and not a prelude to violent catastrophe. 

Concrete walls, it turns out, require a small nation’s worth of concrete and steel rebar. So the team spent an hour collecting materials, another hour crafting components, and a further half hour assembling the structure into something resembling defensive architecture rather than modern art. 

They were ready.

Phase Two: The Sound of Regret

Inside their fortress of solitude, mounts safely tucked away, they activated the extractor.

It screamed.

Not metaphorically. Not poetically. It produced a noise so profoundly unpleasant it nearly drowned out the howl of wolves. Many wolves. Waves of wolves. Including the dread black wolf, which exists solely to remind players that optimism is a mistake. 

Luckily—if that word can be used here—Dave’s game crashed, taking the server down with it.

A rare gift from the universe.

A do-over.

Phase Three: If At First You Fail, Add More Things That Explode

The team returned, fortified their fortress further—fences to slow the wolves, additional spiked walls around the south gate, spiked hedgehogs around the north gate—and then Dave unveiled his masterpiece.

Landmines.

“Be very Careful,” said Dave to Craig. “I have put out landmines.” 

This statement, like many warnings throughout history, was both accurate and completely ineffective.

Craig immediately ran out the North gate to check how the meat on his campfire was cooking.

BOOM!!!

The forest shook as the landmine detonated, instantly killing Craig. 

“WTF!!” yelled Craig. 

Dave laughed. “I did warn you,” he said, walking over to rez Craig…

BOOM!!!

A second landmine detonated, killing Dave. 

“WTF!” said Dave. 

Zaph rezzed Dave. Dave walked over to Craig.

BOOM!!!

Dave died again. 

“Well at least that is all the landmines gones,” said Zaph, in what historians will later describe as a tragically optimistic statement. 

Phase Four: It Gets Worse (It Always Gets Worse)

Zaph and Craig headed back into the fort to assume their positions. Dave, undeterred by repeated explosive feedback, pulled out a spare set of landmines from his pack and deployed them. 

He turned to enter the fort.

BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Dave was blasted to pieces.

“LANDMINES F$%KING SUCK!!!” exclaimed Dave. 

A conclusion reached through rigorous testing.

Interlude: The Enzyme War Ballad (Legally Distinct Edition)

Tonights song – something vaguely familiar, sung badly by Dave, accompanied by howling wolves




Dave and Craig and Zaph stood proud on Olympus’ dusty ground

Fresh recruits with questionable judgment

The next poor souls were sent to mine, and somehow we drew the lot

So we built a fort and poked the geyser just because we thought we ought



And the wildlife lined the treeline as we flipped the switch to start

All young and strong and confident

There’s Dave with tools and ego, Craig already wandering off

God help us all—we were at least level sixty



From lakeside rides on zebras to the screaming enzyme pit

We’d been in and out of trouble now for months

And we made our walls a fortress, spikes and concrete everywhere

With that orange Icarus sunset in the dust



And can you tell me, doctor, why the mines keep blowing up?

And why Dave keeps stepping on them anyway?

And what’s this ringing sound that follows every “careful now”?

God help us—he deployed them yesterday



Four waves of teeth and claws where every step could be your last

It was mostly poor decisions stacked in rows

But you don’t abandon teammates (even Craig, against all odds)

So you reload and hope nobody explodes



Then someone yelled out “CONTACT!” and something big let out a roar
We held the line for hours, then the earth began to shake

And Craig found yet another mine the day Myles wasn’t there


God help him—he respawned a mile away

Phase Five: Wildlife (Apparently “Low Possibility”)

So they triggered the Enzyme machine again—the same unearthly howl echoing out as the wolves closed on the fort. 

Many were tangled in the fence, quickly dispatched by the team where they died kicking. 

Craig, ever helpful, offered to go out and repair the fences.

He was shouted down by wiser heads.

Finally, the wolves stopped.

“Is that it?” Zaph asked. 

“I think so,” said Craig.

At which point the universe laughed.

A loud hacking cough announced the arrival of cougars—leaping the fences, slamming into the walls. The spikes did their job admirably… right up until they didn’t. Then the cougars began eating through the concrete like it was made of mildly resistant cake. 

Poison bullets. Poison arrows. Desperation.

Craig ran out of arrows.

The walls breached.

The mounts joined the fight: three Zebras and a buffalo. 

Craig fell from the wall, ran away, then snuck back and died—an impressive three-step manoeuvre. 

As Dave’s platform broke, he leapt from the wall, then heroically onto the back of his Zebra, Stripes… only to be knocked off and killed by a large black cougar. 

Phase Six: The Cost of Progress

One irreplaceable Zebra died.

Then a second. 

But Stripes and the buffalo finished the cougars.

Zaph climbed down to help Dave.

That’s when the bears arrived.

Because of course they did.

Zaph fell. The buffalo fell. Now it was just Stripes versus the bears. 

Stripes kicked bravely as the bears swarmed him. Luckily, he came from a hardy line of Zebras and wore an armoured saddle. 

When the dust settled, half the fort was destroyed.

Stripes stood proudly atop a pile of cougar and bear corpses.

Phase Seven: The Long Walk

Dave respawned.

And immediately began cursing.

Not at the fort. Not at the wildlife.

At geography.

He had not respawned at the lakehouse 100m away.

No.

He was in the desert.

100km away.

Thus began a long walk back. 

Craig, meanwhile, respawned at the lakehouse, returned to the fort, helped Zaph… and then took Stripes back to the lakehouse and hid him in the lake where Dave wouldn’t find him for hours. 

Because priorities.

Phase Eight: The Outcome

The animals broke the Enzyme extractor.

They got nothing.

Two irreplaceable Zebras were dead. 

Lessons Learned (Allegedly)

• “May attract wildlife” – my arse.  
• Cougars eat concrete like humans eat pancakes.  
• Landmines suck. They really, really suck.  
• You can never have enough defences.  
• We need to learn to make auto gun turrets.  
• Zebras are irreplaceable. Those five you get are all you will ever have.  
• Stripes is indestructible (99% melee resistance). Poison still hurts though.  

Dave also vowed to track down the developers in a dark alley and have Stripes kick the stuffing out of them. 

Achievements

We achieved nothing.

Well—Zaph learned how to breed chickens and cook omelettes. 

Next Week

Tune in next week when we do it all again:

• More layers of defences
• No landmines
• Stripes set to aggressive

And the bold new strategy of letting Icarus come to us while we sit back and watch Stripes kick the living daylights out of it.