If you recall, we wrapped up last week’s adventures with a return to our Rogue Trader’s ship, intending to enjoy a bit of well-earned rest, shopping, and endless conversations with every self-important NPC within vox range. Every single one of them had a crisis requiring immediate attention—because, apparently, our impending doom wasn’t sufficiently motivating.
Naturally, we decided it was time to take our shiny new ship for a spin. “Take us out, Ms. Navigator!” ordered Sir Lemming with all the authority of a man who only recently learned what half these buttons do. “That way, warp factor 9, make it so.”
First stop: a nice, safe green route. Predictably boring. We discovered a planet, found some fancy rocks, and set up mining operations. Riveting stuff.
Then, in a moment of inspiration (or possibly boredom), Sir Lemming declared, “Let’s do something daring! Take the yellow route!”
Aye aye, Captain. Straight into the arms of a pirate hideout.
“Man the guns! Run out the barnacles! Ramming speed! Shoot something!” Sir Lemming barked.
We managed to obliterate two pirate ships while the third made a hasty exit, leaving us feeling victorious—if a little underwhelmed.
The Void Ship: Where Dreams (and Sanity) Go to Die
Then our resident heretic, never one to pass up an opportunity for “adventure” (read: looting), pointed at a derelict void ship floating nearby.
“It’s bound to have lots of loot,” he said.
It did not.
Instead, it had an abundance of raving lunatics, inexplicable traps, and hostile servitors. As we bravely pushed forward (read: flailed about like toddlers in a haunted house), we reached the core of the ship and, against all wisdom, decided to power it up.
“What could go wrong?” someone actually said out loud.
Reality promptly blinked in and out of existence.
Lunatics flooded in, tech-priests began chanting ominously, servitors revved up, and eerie psychic speakers started pushing the warp to the breaking point.
Amidst this delightful chaos, we realized something crucial:
Sir Vegetable—Craig—was missing.
“Craig, get up here now!” bellowed Sir Lemming over the vox comm. “How can we fight these guys without our designated test dummy out front tanking?”
“I’ll be right there,” Craig replied. “As soon as I finish sorting my inventory.”
Yes. Inventory. In the middle of a pitched battle against warp-corrupted horrors.
Meanwhile, Sister Agenta was down, Pascal was pinned behind cover, and Lanto and Jae were valiantly trying to hold the servitors back. Sir Lemming, having no one to order about, was contemplating the meaning of leadership in a universe where his subordinates have the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel.
“ENOUGH!” he roared. “Get your arse in here and do something heroic, or you’re walking home without a spacesuit!”
Craig, realizing his life expectancy was at risk, suddenly sprang into action. He moved 30 squares in one turn (normal movement being a mere 6 or 8), then charged another 6. He burst into the doorway, triumphant.
“TA-DA! I am here!” he declared.
“Great,” we said. “Now go in there and be heroic.”
“Oh. That was the heroic part,” Craig admitted. “I’m exhausted now. Nap time.”
After much gnashing of teeth (both ours and the servitors’), we managed to claw our way to victory. The next encounter, now that we understood how the psychic speakers worked, should have been easier.
Except instead of two speakers, there were four. Instead of carefully controlling the battlefield, Jae and Lemming were bounced around like dice in a Yahtzee cup by grenade blasts. Craig, sensing an opportunity for redemption, charged into the room to save the day, while Lanto sniped and Pascal and Sister Agenta fought back-to-back against the servitors.
Somehow, despite—or perhaps because of—our own incompetence, we pulled through. We neutralized the leader, took out the speakers, mopped up the rest, and did what we do best: looted everything that wasn’t nailed down.
The Moral of the Story
Check your inventory before we start the mission.
Or, failing that, maybe—just maybe—don’t reorganize your gear while we’re actively being murdered by warp-speakers and homicidal cyborgs. Just a thought.
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