This week’s report could honestly go by several titles:
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Craig Builds the Great Wall of Carbonium,
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Dave Discovers Miniguns (hell yeah I did), or
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Myles Discovers How Annoying It Is to Be Constantly Reminded the Research Queue Is Empty.
Truly, a banquet of disasters.
With Zaph taking his brand-new car for a celebratory long drive through the mortal realm, the remaining three of us logged in for what we naively believed would be a quiet evening of base maintenance.
Spoiler: it wasn’t.
Base Maintenance: The Calm Before the Stupid
Almost everything in the base needed upgrading—after, of course, the appropriate research was performed. Mines were exhausted and needed selling. Buildings wanted attention. Generators begged for electricity. The only excitement came from periodic monster waves politely arriving to interrupt whatever we were doing.
This was the calm phase.
Hold on to that feeling.
It won’t last.
The Research Queue Incident
At some point during the monotony, Myles decided that Dave had not been fulfilling the solemn duties of his research-scientist role with anywhere near the dedication required by the sacred traditions of Science (™).
So, naturally, Myles added “micromanage Dave’s research queue” to his own task list.
It started well enough.
Myles paused the game.
Queued up research.
Gave a fatherly nod of satisfaction.
We resumed.
Five minutes later:
“Myles… research queue’s empty.”
A gentle reminder.
Five minutes after that:
“Myles… still empty.”
A firmer reminder.
Fifteen minutes later:
“MYLES.”
At this point Myles removed his imaginary white lab coat, hurled it to the ground, declared scholarly bankruptcy, and told Dave:
“Just queue whatever the hell you want.”
Which—to absolutely no one’s surprise—led to the only logical outcome:
Dave immediately researched MINIGUN.
Caps intentional.
Myles Goes Full Siege Engineer
Freed from research babysitting, Myles strode dramatically to the map’s far edge like a man seeking enlightenment through violence.
He constructed a wall section right on the very border—basically on top of the cosmic frame buffer. Monsters, easily distracted by modern architecture, paused for a nibble. While they thoughtfully mulled over the construction integrity of the wall, Myles systematically executed all of them.
Craig, deeply impressed, declared Myles a tactical genius.
And then—because Craig does everything louder, deeper, and with more unnecessary enthusiasm—he began constructing what would later be known as:
THE GREAT WALL OF CARBONIUM
Three layers thick.
Wrapping around 75% of the map border.
A civil engineering monolith built entirely by someone who had not once asked why he was building it.
Dave Builds a Minigun, Redistributes the Planet’s Tree Population
Dave crafted his masterpiece:
A tribarrel minigun with 800 rounds in the clip—a device that fires tungsten-tipped .50 caliber “nope” at 4,000 RPM.
He described the experience as:
“What an adrenaline rush.”
He also discovered an unexpected secondary use:
Tree removal.
Forests evaporated.
Hordes evaporated.
Dave’s self-control evaporated.
And then… the ammo evaporated.
At which point Dave evaporated under the swarm.
Oops.
His instant reaction?
“We clearly need better miniguns.”
Into the research queue they went, along with increased ammo production and something to handle the resistant rock monsters. Because if there’s a problem that can’t be solved by miniguns, the solution is obviously:
PLASMA RIFLES.
Soon Dave was back, dual-wielding like a caffeinated action hero:
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Blue Minigun in one hand
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Blue Plasma Rifle in the other
The carnage was spectacular.
Craig’s Progress Can Now Be Measured in Death Announcements
Craig continued working diligently on his Carbonium Great Wall construction meta-project, entirely oblivious to the rest of us.
We knew where he was based solely on the frequency of system messages:
“A Riftbreaker has died.”
It was basically a location beacon.
Unfortunately, the alien hordes eventually got tired of Craig’s architectural flexing and began spawning nests inside the walled “safe area.”
This is the gaming version of nature saying:
“F* your wall.”**
Achievements Earned (and the Shame of Craig)
Dave (3 achievements)
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ask AI, it won’t lie (use the search option on the research screen)
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Investing in liquid assets (build 1500 pipe segments)
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Strip mining (extract 75% of resource veins in a map)
Myles (3 achievements)
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Scientist? (not for research—kill 50,000 creatures)
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The Great Wall (stolen credit from Craig—21,000 wall sections)
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ask AI, it won’t lie (use the search option)
Craig (1 achievement)
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Tornado Season (shred 250 things with Tornado)
Craig: hero, menace, underachiever.
Sturnim
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I really need a new PC (your gear sucks)
He hung out in chat to spectate our stupidity in real time.
Closing Thoughts
This was supposed to be a quiet night of upgrades.
Instead we got:
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A research queue meltdown
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A minigun-fueled deforestation crisis
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A tactical border wall worthy of a mid-season documentary
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Plasma weapons research justified entirely by spite
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Nests spawning inside the “safe” area
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And Craig, always Craig, achieving the bare minimum with maximum enthusiasm
Tune in next time, when we inevitably ruin something else.
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