Friday the 13th: Statistical Doom Meets Buffalo Logistics

An Epic Tale of Doom and Gloom (Featuring Statistical Failure)

(An Icarus Field Study in Superstition, Cats, and Controlled Craig Containment)

We gathered beneath a sky heavy with omens.

Tonight was a potential disaster, with multiple superstitious factors coming into play:

• It was Friday the 13th

• Myles had forgotten the key item we needed, so Zaph went home to retrieve it (technically that was last week)

• Dave called in a black cat.

• There are 4 of us (4 is an unlucky number in China and Japan)

This was not merely a mission. This was an alignment of cosmic nonsense.

The mission was already plagued with bad luck before we started tonight – last week Dave drove the cart into a Crevasse, Craig chopped down a tree that fell on the house, we developed frostbite, Myles forgot the critical mission item.

To recap:

• Dave redefined “off-roading” by introducing the cart to gravity.

• Craig demonstrated forestry as performance art.

• We collectively turned into artisanal frostbitten snacks.

• I forgot the one item without which the mission was essentially a scenic tour of futility.

A lesser team would have stayed home.

This week Myles shrugged off any suggestion of fated bad luck, whilst Dave shook out his boots to check for spiders, and removed all glass from the cart.

Yes.

Removed.

All.

Glass.

So this weeks song - Hakuna Matata.

Hakuna matata
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna matata
Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days
It's our problem-free philosophy

Nothing says “problem-free philosophy” like tying up Dave and Craig pre-emptively and humming Disney at hostile wildlife.

---

Consulting the Oracle (Who Lives in the Cloud)

As there is no Oracle in Icarus, we asked ChatGPT for statistical predictions based on our gaming history, it being Friday the 13th, and the other omens.

If we were going to be doomed, we at least wanted peer-reviewed doom.

ChatGPT had this to say:

Pre-Session Predictions: Friday the 13th Edition

(Statistical Analysis for the Terminally Doomed)

This Friday we undertake the final two scans and then return home. On paper, it sounds straightforward. Two scans. A tidy exfil. Perhaps even dignity.

Unfortunately, it is Friday the 13th.

Dave, ever the cautious architect-farmer-zealot hybrid, has raised concerns. Not about oxygen levels. Not about orbital storms. No. About cosmic statistical variance.

So, in the interest of science, superstition, and giving Craig something new to blame, I have conducted a full pre-session predictive analysis.

We asked - Given tonight is Friday the 13th is Our Session Likely to Go Better or Worse Than Usual?

ChatGPT commented - Statistically speaking, studies have shown that Friday the 13th has no measurable increase in disasters. However, those studies did not include: Craig, Dave’s reagent hoarding, Zaph’s quiet confidence, Myles trying to make everyone go home on time.

Therefore, adjusted for party composition, I predict:

• 32% chance of minor inconvenience.

• 48% chance of cascading catastrophe.

• 20% chance Craig discovers a new way to anger local fauna.

At this point we felt seen. Attacked. But seen.

---

So… How Accurate Was ChatGPT?

The mission went surprisingly well.

No-one died.
We achieved our objectives.
We got home with a huge haul of materials.
Dave unloaded stuff we could easily get to make room for all the iron ingots we had smelted.
Let me repeat that: Dave unloaded things.
Voluntarily.
To make room.
For iron.
Somewhere, a celestial statistician quietly tore up their notes.

So that’s an F for ChatGPT – clearly, faced with potential doom we took extra precautions and left Craig tied up in the house before we did the mission.

---

The Black Cat Clause

We asked - What happens if Dave Ships Down a Black Cat from the Station…

ChatGPT replied - If Dave insists on importing a black cat “for morale,” we must be clear: A black cat crossing your path brings bad luck. A black cat living in Craig’s backpack brings inevitability.

Within 12 minutes: The cat will knock over something expensive, Dave will attempt to domesticate alien wildlife, Zaph will quietly ask if the cat can be used as bait, Myles will be asked to build it a shelter.

The probability of a structural fire increases by 17%.

This felt plausible. Disturbingly plausible.

So what happened?

Dave unfroze a black cat and we let it roam around our home away from home – no-one was struck by lightning, no forest fires (although the cat did walk in the fire and set itself alight), no trees falling on the house. We lacked steel, so no cat bowls were made.

Yes.
The cat walked into the fire.
Set itself on fire.
And still, somehow, the structure remained intact.
Dave wants to point out – No Cats, or Craig were harmed in this weeks adventure.

Again, I think that’s an F for ChatGPT.

---

The Glass Wall Apocalypse That Wasn’t

We asked - What happens if we build a Glass Wall and It Shatters?

ChatGPT, in full apocalyptic mode, declared:

Breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck. Breaking a glass wall the size of Dave’s agricultural cathedral? Conservatively:

• 7 years per panel.

• Multiplied by Craig testing structural integrity with a pickaxe.

• Plus compound interest for shouting “I wanted to see what would happen.”

We are looking at generational misfortune. On the bright side, we will not live that long.

The maths was chilling.

So we couldn’t afford the generational misfortune, so Dave was tied up to prevent the building of glass walls. Craig collected stones anyway in case Dave escaped.

It was less a building project and more a hostage negotiation with architecture.

---

The Creepy Spider Addendum

We asked - What’s with all the Creepy Spiders?

ChatGPT replied - No superstition required here. Friday the 13th has contractual obligations with spiders.

This was less prediction and more legally binding fact.

Dave continued shaking out his boots.

---

The Return Home Omen

We asked - Are We Doomed for Returning Home After Starting our Journey?

If you remember last week, Myles forgot the key mission item. Without this we could travel all over the world, unable to complete the mission. So Zaph had to make the trip home to collect it.

ChatGPT replied -

According to Russian tradition, returning home after starting a journey—such as going back for a forgotten item—is a bad omen.

• You are essentially tempting fate, knocking on its door, and asking if it has a quest marker.

This was when the nickname was born.

Just like we call Craig “Goldie” which is short for Gold Dragon, Myles will henceforth be known as Bad Mojo.

I accept this title with reluctant dignity.

---

ChatGPT’s Final Prediction

ChatGPT summed it all up with:

Are you doomed? No more than usual. Two scans and a trip home - What could possibly go wrong?

Which, in hindsight, is the most dangerous sentence in any language.

---

The Reality

So although it is Friday the 13th, there might be a black cat, Glass might shatter, Spiders are absolutely involved, and we already went back for a forgotten item after leaving, sometimes you just have to make your own luck.

Remember we have survived:

• Craig pick pocketing gold dragons.
• Dave hoovering loot and picking every flower…. during combat,
• Zaph’s “efficient” solutions.
• Myles Bad Mojo (unrealistic optimism).

Dave’s summation – ChatGPT, you are a pessimist, obviously, we work better under looming doom, and the mission was a breeze. We avoided giant scorpions, added a black cat to our household and brought back so much stuff.

Zaph discovered a new path to shorten our trip home; he built bridges over Crevasses and tried to lull Dave into a false sense of confidence, to no avail.

Dave almost drowned in drool just thinking of all the things he could make now. Electronics, baby, automated deep mining drills, cat bowls, rustic furniture, canteens, oxygen tanks, biofuel.

He stared at the smelters the way other men stare at sunsets.

Myles planned our next mission. Instead of just arriving and trying to work out what we needed to do, we researched (googled), pre-built everything and packed it in the cart.

We are now a professional expeditionary force.

With a cat.

Craig collected wood, sticks, and fibre without dropping a tree on the house. He also collected trophies from everything we killed.

This is measurable growth.

I am cautiously proud.

---

Did We Achieve Anything This Week?

ChatGPT still won’t predict if we will achieve anything, and yes, that’s because we officially suck.

We did get one actual achievement – you guess which one.

Dave achieved –
Cat-astrophy averted (bring down a cat from the workshop),
Roll-em-out (ride a hundred miles on a buffalo pulling a cart),
driving in the slow lane (always arrives last)

Myles achieved –
Over thunk it (Dave throws away all the stuff you didn’t need to pack),
Mission planner (plan another mission)

Craig achieved –
Lumberjack (Fell a tree without hitting the house),
Hunter (collect trophies from your kills)

Zaph achieved –
I missed (Missed a shot with a bow),
Ferrari (always arrives first)

ChatGPT achieved –
pessimist (predict Doom and Gloom – that didn’t happen).

---

And of course, we will be back next week to do it again as we set out to build a rustic cabin for someone else to live in.

Which means:

Dave will attempt to over-engineer it.
Zaph will optimize the travel route.
Craig will test structural integrity with enthusiasm.
And Bad Mojo will bring the correct item.

Probably.

Hakuna matata.

No worries.

What could possibly go wrong.

Strap in. Helmets on. Clipboards lost immediately

Last Night’s Recap – Myles Would Forget His Head If It Wasn’t Screwed On

Tonight was one of those nights where the best-laid plans of mice and men almost save you from monumental screwups… but Dave will still find a way to make it worse.

(You misspelt Craig, says Dave.)

The evening’s unofficial anthem was like “Short Term Memory Loss Blues” by Dave Barry, which in hindsight feels less like a joke and more like a medical diagnosis.

Here's our take on that classic:

When you get to a certain stage in life

A certain drop-site junction

When you get to a certain age in life

Plans start to malfunction

You pack for cold, you pack for heat

You pack eleven things you’ll never need

But you know what’s the first thing to go?

I got the mission-planning blues

The mission-planning blues

We brought a cart of everything

Except the things we’d use

Mission-planning blues

I got the short-term— plan

The long-term— excuse

Now where the hell did I put the radar scanner?

Did anyone pack the radar scanner?

Mission-planning blues

---

Everyone wanted to know how accurate ChatGPT would be at predicting our adventure after its almost stellar effort the previous week. So let’s get to it.

ChatGPT Prediction: Buffalo Cart Strategy

Sounds good in theory.
Dangerous in Dave-and-Craig hands.

Rating: B+
Mainly because ChatGPT did not predict that we would deliberately change strategy purely to spite it 😊

---

Preparation Phase: Planning to Avoid Craig

To avoid forgetting anything, Dave made a list, and Myles perfected it.

To avoid Craig-related issues, Dave and Myles logged in 90 minutes early to get the packing underway.

Dave built a cart and fitted it to the buffalo.
Myles gathered ingredients.
Dave built things.
They packed the cart.

Myles repeatedly asked if it was all going to fit, like a nervous expedition planner who had read exactly one book about doomed Arctic explorers.

Dave assured him the cart could hold 60+ stacks and had a 1.3-tonne weight capacity.

That’s a lot of stuff.

What We Packed (Allegedly)

1 × Buffalo cart

• 1 × Mission board thing
• 3 × Fireplaces
• 5 × Bedrolls
• 500 × Charcoal
• 3 × 100 Wood
• 2 × 200 Fibre
• 2 × Crafting tables (one per outpost + mobile)
• 3 × Oxygen machines
• 4 × Spare oxygen bladders (full)
• 3 × Water filters
• 2 × Water bladders (full)
• 3 × Stone furnaces (one per outpost)
• 4 × Stone ramps
• 11 × Stone pillars
• 28 × Stone flat pieces
• 26 × Stone walls
• 3 × Chests
• 3 × Wooden doors
• 40 × Coal
• 11 × Spiky hedgehogs (for radar defence)
• 10 × Healing concoctions
• 3 × 50 Sulfur
• 3 × 50 Oxite
• 255 × Salt
• 31 × Silica
• 19 × Spoiled meat (don’t ask – spoilers)
• 2 × Wood torches
• 50 × Nails
• 40 × Rope
• 3 × Cupboards

The only thing we didn’t bring was tree sap.
Or possibly that was the only thing we needed.

On double-checking, we discovered we hadn’t packed storage.
Zaph, without comment or judgement, made three cupboards and packed those.

---

Reality Intrudes

It didn’t all fit.

It turns out you can run out of room on a buffalo.

So we made everyone carry their own essentials:
oxygen bladder, water, healing concoctions, bandages, suture kits, torch, ammunition.

To assist, Dave made everyone a small pouch and a medical bag, which absolutely would not be relevant later.

Dave and Myles requisitioned oxygen tanks and canteens from the station.
This worked, so Craig and Zaph immediately did the same.

---

Armour, Mounts, and Regret

Dave upgraded everyone to leather armour, assuring us it would provide better protection against animals and the cold.

Note to self: locate Dave’s armour supplier and kill them, as this cannot possibly be faulty workmanship.

We caught and tamed a buffalo and a horse for Craig to choose from, since his Moa had mysteriously disappeared
(after Myles shot it in the head).

After three hours of building and packing, we slept before setting out.

---

ChatGPT on the Frozen Wasteland Route

Verdict: Correct call, reluctantly.

• Less random aggro

• Fewer “why are there six of these?” moments

• More predictable failure modes

• Blizzards at the worst possible time

• Crevasses will claim at least one mount

• Craig will fall into something and loudly explain how unfair it is

Rating: B+

No one fell into a crevasse.

Dave drove the buffalo and cart into one instead.

No one mentioned giant arctic scorpions.
Or snow leopards.
Or wolves that come in threes and are twice as tough as hyenas.

There were blizzards.

And snow bunnies.

“Watch out, Zaph, you’re being chased by a—”
“A rabbit?” asked Zaph, rolling his eyes.

---

The Cave, the Cure, and the Competent Craig

We found a cave and set up a house.
Unpacked the essentials: furnace, oxygen machine, two campfires, bedrolls, workbench.

We mined all the iron, smelted it, and packed the ingots onto the cart.

We used 40 ingots to make an anvil because we had forgotten to pack one.

Dave complained his toes were cold.

Myles examined him, diagnosed hypothermia and frostbite, and recommended heat bandages.

We did not pack heat bandages.
We also did not know how to make them.

Myles researched, gathered ingredients, and made them.
Treatment effective.
Dave’s limbs were saved.

Craig fed and watered the mounts.

“Who replaced Craig with this helpful person?” asked Dave.

We were low on water when Dave discovered you can melt snow over a campfire.

---

Outposts and the Radar Incident

ChatGPT rated our outpost plan as the smartest idea yet.

Rating: D

It forgot to mention that leaving mounts outside while you cook attracts predators.
Killing predators attracts more predators.

It also forgot to mention that Myles is suffering from memory loss.

As we were cooking, we noticed Myles frantically emptying the cart like a man searching for a contact lens in a sandstorm.

“It’s in here,” he muttered. “It has to be in here.”

“What is?” asked Dave, already knowing the answer and not liking it.

“The radar scanner. Have you seen it?” replied Myles, audibly sweating.

Zaph paused. “Where did you last see it?”

“In my cupboard,” said Myles. “We went to sleep.”

This would have been helpful if that cupboard had not been back at the main base, next to four beds, each with a clearly named cupboard: Craig, Dave, Zaph, and Myles.

Crucially, Myles had renamed his “Myles – Quest”, because it contained the quest item.

The quest item that was not on the list.

“It wasn’t on the list,” Dave yelled, immediately absolving himself of responsibility.

“It’s your fault we left it behind!” Myles panicked, as Craig muttered “Gold Dragon” under his breath like an incantation.

“One job,” Craig said solemnly, carefully inflating the mistake to EPIC proportions. “You had one job.”

Zaph sighed.

“I’ll go back and get it. Don’t leave without me.”

He rode off into a blizzard.

That was the last anyone saw of him…

…until he returned a day later, holding the radar scanner.

---

The Rest of the Journey

We left the frozen wastes for the forest.

Built a hut.
Fed and watered animals.
Set up the radar station.
Defended it from wild boar.

Later, near the next mission location, we built a stone house and a wooden barn.

Craig chopped down many trees.
Including one that fell on the barn.

We taught Craig how to fix what he breaks, hoping this would reduce future breakage.

It did not.

---

Final Scores

ChatGPT: Solid B
Missed Dave driving into a crevasse, Myles forgetting the radar, Craig nearly dying of dehydration, and Craig being helpful but medically useless.

Achievements Unlocked (According to Us, Not Icarus)

Since Icarus insists we achieved absolutely nothing of value, we were forced to invent our own achievements, which frankly feel more honest.

Dave achieved:

• Unintentional Glaciologist (Fall into a frozen crevasse) – advanced the study of ice formations by personally testing their depth with a fully laden buffalo.

• It’s Cold (Suffer from hypothermia and frostbite) – bravely confirmed that leather armour is not, in fact, winter-rated.

• Fusion (Melting ice for water) – pioneered the radical scientific concept that fire makes snow less solid.

Myles achieved:

• Amazon Shopper (Make gear on the station and have it delivered) – discovered that preparation is easier when someone else does it for you.

• Overthinker (Plan an expedition and still forget stuff) – demonstrated that no amount of planning can overcome forgetting the one critical item.

• Mr Manners (Go a session without swearing) – an achievement so rare it may never be repeated.

Craig achieved:

• Reunited (Find a mount you previously abandoned in a crevasse) – proved that no bad decision is permanent, just temporarily buried in ice.

• Rabbit (Run away from wolves) – showcased an advanced tactical retreat strategy involving panic and speed.

• Flesh Wound (Refuse to bandage a gaping wound until it’s infected and requires multiple courses of antibiotics) – a masterclass in medical noncompliance.

Zaph achieved:

• Bored (Complain about everyone else being so slow) – a passive skill that remains permanently active.

• Predator (Kill everything that moves) – maintained ecological balance by removing it entirely.

• Saviour (Go back for something Myles forgot) – willingly rode into a blizzard to correct someone else’s mistake, and will absolutely remind us of this forever.

And of course…

We’ll be back to do it again next week.

You Don’t Have to Outrun the Hyenas

Last Night’s Recap

Craig Dies a Lot (We Gave Up Counting)

Everyone wants to know the same thing this week:
How accurate was ChatGPT at predicting our adventure?

If you recall, last week—after we very nearly froze to death in the Arctic wastelands—we decided to take a different route home. Before setting off, we asked ChatGPT to predict how this week would go.

So how accurate was it?

“NO COMMENT!!!” said Dave.
No one likes a sore loser, Dave. So let’s get into it.

---

The Predictions

ChatGPT suggested that our journey would look something like one of the following:

• A bold attempt to return home turns into a slow-motion endurance test featuring bad maps, worse supplies, and Craig confidently heading the wrong way.

• The group embarks on a “shortcut” through the wilderness, discovering that every shortcut is just a longer route with more wolves.

• An ill-prepared expedition tests friendships, navigation skills, and how many times Craig can almost die before blaming Dave.

• What should have been a careful long haul becomes a rolling crisis of broken tools, empty stomachs, and increasingly passive-aggressive leadership.

• A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

We’re giving them an A+ for the summary, particularly:

A grim march toward safety where survival hinges on stone tools, fading optimism, and whether Craig remembers to drink water this time.

All we have to say is: filtered water, Craig.
How hard is that to remember?
Enjoy your dysentery.

---

Theme Song Verdict

ChatGPT suggested “Everybody Hurts.”
We’ll give them a B- for effort.

The correct answer was clearly “A Horse With No Name.”

And frankly, the lyrics speak for themselves:

After three days in the desert fun
I was looking at a riverbed
And the story it told of a river that flowed
Made me sad to think Craig was dead

Poetry.

---

Let’s Skip Ahead to the Pain

The exciting bit is the actual recap, so let’s skip the pleasantries and jump right in.

---

The Journey Starts

ChatGPT predicted:

We set out at dawn, or at least at a time we all agreed counted as dawn, with full confidence that this long haul through the wilderness would be different. We had plans. We had supplies. We had maps. Naturally, none of these survived first contact with Craig.

That’s a solid B, but they forgot one key detail:
We only have one bedroll.

Since everyone needs a bedroll to sleep, we solved this by having Zaph and Dave log out so Myles could sleep and set the server to morning. Naturally, this only works if you have a fire.

Myles successfully built a fire without burning down the hut or the forest, which impressed everyone present.

---

The Journey Continues

ChatGPT predicted:

The route technically avoided the frozen wastelands, which is to say we only brushed against them repeatedly… Campfires became less of a convenience and more of a lifestyle… Dave began hoarding materials for crops we would never plant.

That’s a D. None of that happened.
Except the crop part — Dave picked wheat like a man trying to avoid genetically modified food.

At one point, Zaph told Craig to “Stop being Dave.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Dave.
“Stop being a hero? Athletic? Suave? Resourceful?”

Apparently it means:
Stop picking every berry you walk past.

No comment.

---

Mapping Accuracy Check

ChatGPT predicted:

We became very lost, briefly confident we were not lost, and then aggressively lost again… Someone suggested a shortcut… which we took anyway.

That’s an A.

Zaph did find a shortcut tunnel to the desert. For a brief moment, we felt smug. Then we were overwhelmed by predators: cougars, boars, scorpions, bubble-headed things, and an elephant hiding in the tunnel like it had made some poor life choices.

Myles’s riding Moa was killed. We recovered the saddle and retreated back to the forest.

---

Fires, Lakes, and Disposable Horses

We built fires by a lake, cooked meat, and made healing kits. Then we headed east toward another pass.

• We lost a baby horse in a cave.

• We caught another one for Myles.

• We stopped at another lake to refill water.

• Myles lost that horse too.

• We caught another one.

Eventually, we found a pass to the desert that wasn’t immediately lethal. A peaceful stream meandered through it, promising an easy trip.

Zaph rode his horse off a waterfall and survived.
Dave followed with his buffalo.
Craig jumped, broke his leg, and was killed by hyenas.

---

Desert Life

There was a storm. Dave ran around trying to find trees to cut down. Zaph calmly built a shelter. We all huddled safely inside.

Craig died.

---

Desert Predictions vs Reality

ChatGPT predicted:

Zaph scouted ahead… Myles tried to keep everyone moving… Craig lagged behind, collecting sticks, and slowly dying in ways that were somehow everyone else’s fault.

That is spot on.
A+.

The desert was brutal. Dysentery. Broken legs. Scorpions. Cougars. Hyenas that hunt in threes and laugh at you.

Craig died repeatedly. When he wasn’t dying, he was dragging predators toward Myles. Myles lost another pony. Craig ran out of arrows. Myles’s knife broke. We scavenged arrows from dead animals.

Meanwhile, Zaph:

• Zoomed ahead

• Went home

• Unloaded

• Restocked

• Read a book

• Checked the map

• Provided directions

Then came back for us.

---

Did We Make It Home?

ChatGPT predicted:

We eventually made it home… because the planet decided we had suffered enough.

ChatGPT — you suck.
That’s an F.

At no point did the planet decide we had suffered enough.

After three miserable hours of predators, dead mounts, no supplies, and Craig, we survived everything the planet could throw at us.

Craig arrived last.
He even got lost with the house in sight.

---

Achievements (Or Lack Thereof)

ChatGPT predicted:

Nothing important was learned. Everyone blamed someone else. We agreed to do it again.

A+.

We did improve the house:

• Added a second floor

• Zaph added named cupboards at our beds

• Myles built a carpentry bench

• Dave added a machining bench, heavy equipment extension, concrete mixer, concrete forge, and biofuel composter

Craig provided raw materials.
Dave turned iron into nails.
Myles refined wood and rope.
Zaph was on a break.

Icarus says we achieved nothing.
So we made some up.

---

Totally Real Achievements

Dave achieved:

• Veterinarian (used the most healing on his buffalo)

• Hypoxemia (ran out of oxygen)

• Blisters (made everyone else work)

Myles achieved:

• Exfoliated (lost the most foals)

• Desiccated (ran out of water)

• Potty Mouth (used the most swear words)

Craig achieved:

• Misotheism (hated by the universe)

• I Am Bait (attracts every predator)

Zaph achieved:

• Pixelated (vanished into the distance)

• Speleologist (found every cave)

• Distraction (you don’t have to outrun the bear — just lead it to Craig)

ChatGPT achieved:
A solid D, because A+, B, D, A, A+, A+ equals D in Dave math.

You’re either 100% right, or you get the lowest score.

---

And of course, we’ll be back to do it all again next week.

This is when things were still going to plan...

We can do this the hard way, or the hard way!

Look, I made a crossbow and wanted to test out the aiming mechanism, how was I to know that this was Craig's mount. It was wondering well away from the stables, and had no saddle.

It’s All Stuff and Nonsense

“It’s All Stuff and Nonsense”

We wish—oh how we wish—that this week had a proper theme song.

Something heroic. Something soaring. Something that suggested competence.

Something like:

The right stuff
The right stuff

First time was a great time
Second time was a blast
Third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts

A montage song. The sort of thing that plays while four capable pioneers crest a ridge in slow motion, silhouetted against the alien sun, confident in their tools, their teamwork, and their collective sense of direction.

Unfortunately, reality arrived with a brick.

What we actually got was:

Fast goes fast (on a Moa)
Slow goes slow (on a buffalo)

Alright now, do the low yo yo yo yo
Now do the low yo yo yo yo yo yo

This is not metaphorical. This is a literal description of our travel speed and dignity.

---

We Did Stuff

We began the evening with a photo op at the site of the Black Wolf slaying, because nothing says “progress” like stopping to commemorate something that already tried to eat us. The wolf was dead. We were alive. Spirits were high. This would not last.

We recovered our hedgehogs for later use, carefully collecting them like tiny, spiny investments for a future problem that absolutely will not be solved cleanly.

We picked berries, an activity that sounds wholesome until you’re standing knee-deep in alien shrubbery wondering why your scout is already halfway to the horizon. At one point, Zaph—who had finished scouting, looting, and mentally planning the next six kilometers—asked Myles what was taking so long.

Myles replied, patiently and correctly:
“I am picking food for my mount.”

Zaph, without missing a beat, responded:
“I am going to call you Dave.”

This was both an insult and a prophecy.

Then we set out on an epic wilderness adventure, immediately demonstrating that none of us had agreed on what “epic” or “together” meant.

• Dave crossed the bridge.

• Myles followed Dave (fool).

• Zaph forded the river, because of course he did.

• Craig…

Craig was not present.

No one saw him leave. No one saw him arrive. He simply ceased to exist as a known quantity. Schrödinger’s Craig.

---

We Learnt Stuff

We learned that houses made of stone are better than houses made of wood, a discovery humanity made several thousand years ago, but which we were delighted to confirm experimentally.

We also learned that Craig will still drop a tree on your house, even when it’s made of stone. Structural integrity does not protect against intent.

We learned that getting stuck in ice crevasses sucks, a lesson Craig learned personally, intimately, and repeatedly. Asking him was not necessary; he volunteered the information loudly.

We learned that it gets cold out in the frozen wastelands, and that hypothermia is, in fact, a thing. A rude thing. A very persistent thing.

We learned that there are packs of wolves that come in six and that they like to snack on Dave’s buffalo, which Dave definitely noticed and absolutely took personally.

We learned that Craig does not take care of his ride, preferring instead to walk really slowly while picking up sticks, like an NPC with a tragic backstory and no quest marker.

We learned that no matter how many times you tell Craig to drink and eat to avoid dying, he will still drop dead and then blame everyone else. It’s like he tunes out the moment Dave starts talking, which—if we’re being honest—might be a survival mechanism that has backfired.

And finally, we learned that we were not the only people complaining about spiders. Tonight’s patch pretty much removed them entirely. This was discovered after we spent the entire night with Myles asking, repeatedly and with growing suspicion, why no spiders were spawning near the caves we were mining.

Somewhere, a developer smiled.

---

We Built Stuff

We built a stone house, because we are nothing if not optimistic.

We built campfires to huddle around and thaw our frozen limbs, forming little circles of warmth and regret across the wasteland.

We built a hut near a mining outpost that was so small that Dave looked at it, sighed, and built everything in a cave instead, which honestly says more about Dave than the hut.

We built a stone forge and an anvil so we could repair our mining tools and our sense of purpose.

We built a water filtration system, which Craig actually used. This is true. This happened. It is documented. You really can lead a Craig to water and make him drink.

---

We Achieved… Not Much

Dave achieved: nothing.
No, really. There was nothing new to learn. Or Dave did nothing. Your pick.

Myles achieved:

• Makeshift Engineering (alter an item)

• Lightbulb Moment (Fix Dave’s spaghetti wiring mess)

Craig achieved:

• Bear Necessities (unlock all blueprints in T1)

• Pain in the Bass (catch a fish with a bow and arrow, because Craig cannot do anything normally)

Zaph achieved: nothing as well.
Stop copying Dave.

---

Looking Ahead

Next week, we will attempt a long haul through the wilderness, hoping—hoping—to get home without going through the frozen wastelands again.

Picture it:
Jim Bowie.
Davy Crockett.
But armed with stone tools, broken bows, and absolutely no sense of direction.

Or, to use a more culturally accurate analogy:
Burke.
Wills.
And Craig.

One of these expeditions famously did not end well.

History, as always, watches with interest.

Guys, I could do with a res

It will only take a minute to get a good night sleep

The tranquility never lasts

It’s a Small World After All (and It Is Actively Trying to Kill Us)

After Action Report

If we had to pick a theme song for this week’s game, it would be “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.”
Not because it was jaunty.
Not because it was appropriate.
But because it lied to us in exactly the way this planet always does.

Myles: “We’re going on a bear hunt.”
Zaph: “We’re going to catch a big one.”
Bear: “I’m not scared, I tapped in my buddy Wolfie to deal with the pesky adventurers.”

You may remember last week, when we got our arses thoroughly kicked by an epic bear… on easy mode.
Easy. Mode.
A humiliation almost rivaling the infamous Gold Dragon Episode, which still gets brought up at inappropriate moments and family gatherings.

So we did the only sensible thing:
We ran away in shame, deleted the evidence, and started again on a brand-new, untamed world on normal difficulty, like the gaming gods intended.

---

Touchdown: A Study in Immediate Regret

Myles chooses a landing zone. Lands. Starts picking up sticks, like a responsible adult.

Dave lands…
…and is immediately killed by a horse.

Nothing to see here.
Just nature doing its thing.

Dave respawns, finds his body, recovers his sticks and stones, and pretends this is all part of a bold scouting maneuver. Myles and Dave then hide in some rocks to avoid a light rainstorm.

“Hey, my mud armour will dissolve in the rain,” says Dave, apparently surprised by weather.

Dave eventually makes it to Myles’ location, and we begin construction of the Epic 4×4 Wooden Hut, positioned tastefully near a scenic waterfall. This is important, because it will later be destroyed repeatedly.

---

Reinforcements Arrive (and Immediately Die)

We’ve got most of the floor down, a few wall sections up, and a couple of roof pieces installed when Craig and Zaph join the game.

Craig dies to a little piggy.
Zaph dies trying to get to Craig.
Dave dies trying to get to Craig.

It does not get better than this.

Dave respawns and goes back to building the house, having learned nothing. Zaph respawns and helps Craig, presumably under protest.

Everyone starts chopping trees and picking up rocks. Dave makes a fire to get charcoal, installs a water purifier in the river, and an oxygen machine in the house.

Craig drinks directly from the river and gets dysentery.

Everyone else drinks from the water purifier and does not.

Craig says, and I quote:

“Shit happens, that’s life.”

This becomes a recurring philosophical stance.

---

Housing, Infrastructure, and Tree-Based Sabotage

The house is finally finished. Dave adds a workbench and a herbal bench.

There is a loud crash.

Part of the roof collapses.

“WHAT THE HELL,” yells Dave, sprinting outside.

A large tree has fallen directly onto the house.

“Craig!” yells Dave.
“What?” says Craig innocently. “It wasn’t me.”

Myles and Zaph watch Craig quietly hiding his axe.

Myles adds a bedroll. Civilization returns. Briefly.
Myles adds a stone furnace. And you know what that means.

---

Mining: Hope Is a Finite Resource

It’s time to go mining.

Zaph crosses the river.
Dave and Myles search nearby cliffs.
Craig chops down an entire forest, because Craig.

Eventually, we find mines. Dave and Myles hit the motherlode: copper, iron, aluminum, platinum. We mine every bit of iron we can find like goblins on espresso.

Zaph, ever industrious and thinking ahead, builds himself a small hut near his mining operation.

Myles and Dave head back to base to unload iron into the furnace.

In the name of efficiency, we decide to build stone furnaces and transport them to the mines so we can smelt ingots on site. This plan is clever, logical, and therefore doomed.

Craig takes one furnace and heads to Zaph as night falls.
Myles and Dave return to their mine, crafting torches to see in the dark.

And then…

---

The Spider Incident (a.k.a. Why We Can’t Have Nice Things)

The spiders come out.

Not tiny spiders.
Not polite spiders.

These are bloated, green-speckled abominations, clearly descended from Shelob’s most disappointing children.

If you don’t kill them in one shot, they charge you and tear you apart with their horrifying fanged mouths. And of course, we are armed with stone arrows and bows made of twigs and optimism.

So yes.
You know how this goes.

Incy Wincey spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the adventurers to wash the spiders out.
Incy Wincey spider killed Dave, Zaph, and Dave again.

We execute a strategic withdrawal back to the house as a storm rolls in.

---

Weather: Also Hostile

It’s a bad storm.
We huddle in the house as torrential rain lashes the walls and lightning cracks in the distance. We frantically craft hammers and start repairing walls mid-storm like medieval interns.

The storm passes.
The house survives.

Zaph heads back to his mine to recover his gear.

His mining hut has burned to the ground.

Lightning?
Spiders?
Insurance fraud?

We may never know.

---

Domestic Life, Murder, and Trees (Again)

Dave builds an anvil.
Myles adds a fireplace and chimney.

Craig is… doing something. We don’t ask.

Another tree falls on the house.

“CRAIG!” everyone yells.

“It wasn’t me,” says Craig, again hiding his axe.

We go hunting. Dave kills Peter Rabbit and Bambi.
Myles kills Dave’s horse (and yes, he had permission).

We craft water bladders, because hunting is thirsty work.
We craft oxygen bladders, because suffocating sucks.

---

The Mission: Here We Go Again

At last, the day arrives. Myles installs the mission board and dials it up:

Kill a dangerous creature.

You guessed it.
We are going on a bear hunt.

Dave crafts a cave worm bow, proving he did not waste 70 hours unlocking it. He also makes longbows for Craig and Zaph. Myles is holding out for a crossbow, because standards matter.

This time, with malice aforethought, Myles builds a hunter’s nest surrounded by hedgehogs (no animals were harmed in the making of this fort) to keep the bear at bay.

Myles and Craig head toward the spider cave. Dave gets lost.

“Hey, my compass is broken,” says Dave.
Or maybe he’s just picking berries.
He swims across a river in the wrong direction.

With subtle coordination from Myles:

“No, not that way. Turn around 180. Are you a total idiot???”

Dave eventually floats downstream and rejoins the group.

Meanwhile, back at the house, we have fluffed around so long that Zaph has tamed a horse, built a saddle, and ridden it to meet us.

---

The Bear That Wasn’t

We arrive on site and start cutting down trees. Every advantage is ours. We know where the bear hangs out. We’re fortified. We’re dug in. We’re wearing bone armour.

Victory is merely a few arrows away.

“We are coming for you, Mr Bear,” says Myles while installing yet another hedgehog. “Be afraid. Very afraid.”

Zaph builds multiple walkways in all directions, because sometimes you need a better angle.

Dave wanders off to scout.

He climbs onto a rock.

“Guys,” says Dave, “I see a small problem.”

The bear… is actually a wolf.

A massive, coal-black, extremely unhappy wolf that casually rips apart a couple of bison just to flex.

Dave plinks it with an arrow.

The wolf growls and charges.

Dave scrambles up a rock, firing wildly.
“GUYS, HELP!”

“I can’t get a shot,” says Zaph. “It’s behind the rock.”

“Stick to the plan!” yells Myles. “Get to the hedgehogs!”

Dave leaps off the rock, heroically risking life and limb, and sprints for the hut with the wolf hot on his heels. He runs up the stairs. The wolf stops to demonstrate dominance by absolutely shredding our hedgehogs, impaling itself in the process.

We pepper it with arrows.

The wolf dies, impaled on a hedgehog, gasping its final breath.

---

Victory (Shockingly)

We are ecstatic.

Myles’ plan worked.

We will never hear the end of this.

It’s midnight. We call it a night.

---

Achievement Summary (The Week’s Ledger of Shame and Glory)

Dave achieved:

• What Fall Damage (Survive a terrible fall)

• Veteran Prospector (Reach the level cap)

• Herb Your Enthusiasm (Harvest these plants)

• Starstruck (Witness an exotic meteor shower)

• Pain in the Bass (Catch a fish with a bow and arrow)

Myles achieved:

• Outpost Builder (Build an outpost base using at least 50 pieces)

Craig achieved:

• Crushed It (Drop a tree on your house)

Zaph achieved:

• Ringleader (Tame 10 creatures)

• Veteran Prospector

• Sic ’Em (Your tame creature makes a kill)

• RIP Mr Kitty (Your pet crosses the rainbow bridge)

• Bare Necessities (Unlock all blueprints in T1)

---

Footnote

It’s not really that unbalanced.
Dave and Zaph did spend a lot of hours on another outpost unlocking cave worm bows.

Craig, meanwhile, unlocked gravity, trees, and consequences.

Spectator mode

Dead on arrival

Zaph's mining outpost burning down

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

(An Icarus Field Report, written with bitterness, splinters, and wolf saliva)

We did a couple of missions.
This is an important phrase. It sounds modest. Reasonable. Manageable.
It is, in hindsight, a lie.

---

Mission One: The Tutorial, or “Nine Minutes to Glory”

Mission brief:
Land on planet.
Pick up sticks.
Build a hut.
Make a bed.

Time investment: 9 minutes.
Reward: 50 credits.

We barely had time to emotionally bond with the sticks. The hut went up, the bed went down, and suddenly the mission was over. No wolves. No suffering. No existential dread. The game patted us gently on the head and awarded us Baby Steps (Complete the tutorial), which felt less like an achievement and more like a passive-aggressive reminder that we had successfully not eaten the controller.

We thought, foolishly, “Oh. This isn’t so bad.”

---

Mission Two: The One with the Ore, the Wolves, and the Horse Incident

Second mission: 225 credits.
Objective:
Land on planet.
Mine a huge amount of ore.
Put it in the delivery pod.

Simple. Clean. Deceptive.

This mission took over two hours.

Zaph did most of the mining, because Zaph is a machine. A tireless, methodical, laser-focused mining machine. Meanwhile, Craig and I ran around getting eaten by wolves, which felt less like a gameplay loop and more like a lifestyle choice.

At some point during this operation, Craig decided that what our carefully constructed hut really needed was… a horse.

Not outside the hut.
Not near the hut.
In the hut.

This was not a design choice. This was an omen.

We killed the horse.
(There is photographic evidence. See screenshot. History will judge us.)

The dead horse, apparently broadcasting on a frequency only wolves can hear, immediately attracted wolves. Wolves arrived. Wolves killed Craig. Wolves killed Dave.

I blame Craig.

We never had a wolf problem until Craig joined. This is not correlation. This is a law of nature.

---

The Mines That Lied to Us

There were two mines near the delivery pod. This felt promising. Hope bloomed.

They did not have enough ore.

This is where the mission quietly shifted genres—from “Survival Crafting” to “Endurance Running Simulator.” A lot of time was spent running around looking for new caves, each discovery accompanied by the hollow optimism of “Maybe this one?” followed shortly by “Nope. Still poor.”

And then there was gold.

Gold was the killer.

It took an hour to find the last gold we needed. An hour of caves, cliffs, scanning horizons, questioning life choices, and slowly realizing that the real resource being depleted wasn’t ore—it was morale.

---

Meanwhile, in the Alt World…

While all this was happening, progress occurred elsewhere, quietly and competently, like a different group playing a different game:

• Zaph and Dave both achieved:

  • Highly Skilled (reach the bottom of a talent tree)

  • Engineering (alter an item)

These achievements happened without wolves. Without horses. Without Craig-related incidents. This feels relevant.

---

Conclusions, Recommendations, and Blame Assignment

We did succeed. Eventually.
The pod was filled. The mission was completed. The credits were earned.
But at what cost?

Suggestion for next Friday:
We start fresh on a world at normal difficulty, so we aren’t getting penalised 50% on mission rewards. This seems fair, reasonable, and in no way influenced by two hours of trauma mining gold while being stalked by wolves drawn to horse-based crimes.

In summary:

• The tutorial lulled us into a false sense of competence.

• Ore is plentiful until it isn’t.

• Gold is a myth invented to waste time.

• Wolves are attracted to Craig like heat-seeking missiles.

• Bringing a horse into a hut is never the correct answer.

All that glitters is not gold.

Sometimes it’s just another cave, empty, mocking you quietly in the dark. 

It’s a Tough Day Down in the Mine

 

It’s a Tough Day Down in the Mine

If we had to pick a vibe for this week’s brand-new descent into Icarus—RocketWerkz’s charming survival experience about corporate neglect and breathable air being optional—it would be best captured by the spirit of a certain Johnny Cash song. You know the one. The cautionary tale about young men, bad decisions, and places where the sun politely declines to visit.

Not quoting it. Just… gesturing broadly in its direction while shivering.

Think:
Don’t go underground chasing riches, because the darkness gets into your bones, danger multiplies, joy goes missing, and eventually even your blood feels like it’s been replaced with coal slurry.
That sort of energy. Delivered, naturally, by Johnny Cash, patron saint of bad ideas with excellent rhythm.

---

Welcome to Icarus (Please Sign the Waiver)

Welcome to the new frontier: Icarus, a planet orbiting a gas giant, famous for its failed terraforming project and complete lack of breathable atmosphere. Yes, it’s true—you don’t just have to worry about hunger, thirst, or wildlife that wants to wear you as a hat. You also can’t breathe the air.

But fear not. The company has thoughtfully issued us cheap spacesuits. And while it’s true that in space no one can hear you scream, on Icarus you can still hear Craig whining, which is honestly worse.

Craig, of course, did not read the backstory. He got as far as “Icarus is” and then stopped, presumably because the sentence did not immediately contain an explosion or a ladder. While “Icarus is” is technically accurate, it does omit some key details—like “actively hostile to human life” and “operated by people who hate you.”

According to the company flyer, Icarus is about exploration, exotic materials, and getting rich.
“What even is exotic material?” asks Myles.
Dave responds: “Think the floating rocks in Avatar.”
This is, as usual, complete nonsense, confidently delivered.

---

Touchdown Expectations vs. Reality

We arrive at the space station, pick our favorite-colored spacesuits, and strap into rockets for a dramatic, high-tech plunge to the surface. The landing is spectacular. The valley is beautiful. The pod door opens.

We leap out, sprint to the storage crate, ready to collect our guns, automated mining tools, self-assembling houses, and helpful robot assistants.

We open it.

It’s empty.

Nothing. Zip. Nada.

“CRAIG,” we all yell in unison, “did you throw out the gear to make room for your fluffy toys?”

“I did mothing,” says Craig—and for once, it’s true.

Inside the crate is a single piece of paper. We read it:

Welcome to the new frontier. We’re still waiting on your delivery of high-tech equipment. Good luck. Don’t get eaten by a bear.

WTF. No, seriously. WTF.

We cross the universe in a spaceship and are immediately reduced to picking up sticks and stones like particularly stupid cavemen in space pajamas.

---

The Birth of Island Fort Dumb

Myles and Zaph, clearly suffering untreated PTSD from Riftbreaker, decide we need defenses immediately. They choose an island base—natural moat, poisonous water, bitey fish. A tactical masterstroke.

We build a hut. It has walls. Sort of. And a bedroll. Which is optimism in fabric form.

Dave eventually arrives to “check progress,” at which point we formalize our division of labor:

• Zaph: Hunting, mining, industrial production. First invention: an oxidizer that turns rocks into oxygen, which feels illegal but appreciated.

• Myles: Medical supplies, bandages, splints, clean water. First invention: a water filter, because someone has to be responsible.

• Dave: Architect, botanist, farmer. First invention: a double-storey barn, because of course it is.

• Craig: Lumberjack. First invention: a fire pit and the complete ecological annihilation of our island.

---

Progress, Storms, and Structural Criticism

Zaph builds a bridge so we don’t have to swim through the poison water. We hide from storms. Zaph complains that half the walls Dave built are backwards—logs inside, smooth side out. Craig fells a tree, which lands directly on our hut and caves in the roof.

Soon we have water bags, oxygen pouches, stone tools, and weapons. It’s all coming together. At this rate, another hundred years and we’ll invent electricity.

Dave expands the base with crafting stations. Zaph hunts. Myles gathers medicinal plants. Craig breaks rocks. We acquire a workshop bench, an anvil, a smelter, then later a mortar & pestle, herbalist bench, and skinning table.

Civilization. Briefly.

---

Down in the Mine (Cue the Cash Vibes)

Zaph and Myles go mining. Hence the theme song energy. It’s cold, dark, cramped, and full of poisonous worms that absolutely should not exist. The tunnels hold copper, iron, aluminum, titanium, coal, gold—basically everything except joy.

We can mine copper and iron with stone tools, which feels like the universe mocking us personally.

---

Missions, Storms, and Corporate Disappointment

Zaph builds a mission board so the company can provide us with additional ways to die. We also gain the ability to call down resupplies—like shiny backpacks that let us carry 15% more crap, which is exactly how much hope we had left.

We take a survey mission. Zaph builds a tower. The rest of us clear-cut an entire forest to supply it. A storm warning comes in. Dave panic-builds walls and floors at the tower base. We huddle around a fire like traumatized scouts.

The scanner completes. The company gives us a reward. Zaph claims it instantly, then runs back to camp and hides it while we argue about how we were cheated.

---

Corn, Pumpkins, and Questionable Animal Ethics

Craig discovers corn and harvests every stalk. Dave gathers it all.
“Where are you guys?” asks Myles.
“Sheesh, corn doesn’t pick itself,” replies Dave, immediately spotting wheat and hoarding that too.

Craig embraces the Halloween spirit, collecting pumpkins and roasting them.

Zaph kills a horse so he can emotionally manipulate its foal into becoming a mount, feeding it raw meat so it grows up feral and hostile. This is somehow effective.

---

The Bear Incident (Plural)

Flushed with success, Myles suggests another mission: hunt and kill an epic creature. Off we go, practicing on wildlife. Lessons learned:

• Deer run.

• Wolves attack.

• Rabbits just… die.

Eventually, we find it. A level 56 bear.

We sneak up and open fire. Arrows everywhere. The bear notices and ignores them. It murders Dave immediately. Craig runs.
“STOP RUNNING,” yells Myles. “We can’t hit it!”

The bear resolves this by killing Craig.

Zaph draws aggro. The bear eats him, chews thoughtfully, and spits him out. Myles hides until the bear wanders off, then patches us up and we flee in shame.

---

Revenge Planning & Achievements

We swear vengeance. We mine iron for hours. We slaughter animals for bone armor and arrows. Myles learns how to make hedgehogs to hide behind.

We are coming for you, Mr. Bear.

Be afraid.

Very afraid.

---

Achievement Summary

We survived. Which is, frankly, miraculous.

And we answered humanity’s great questions:

• Does a bear poop in the woods? Yes. And it resembles Dave.

• If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? Yes—especially through your roof. Craig.

• Why are we here? We work for the man and didn’t read the fine print.

• Can you starve on an island full of food? Absolutely.

• Should you fear storms and darkness? Yes. These suits are paper.

• Will Dave ever build walls correctly? Let’s not get unrealistic.

And that’s a wrap.
Join us next week, when we forge crossbows and remind the epic bear who da boss.