Ice, Ice Baby

Ice, Ice Baby – Or: How Dave Weaponised Confidence and Lost a Horse

In other words – any plan that involves shooting a polar bear can only end badly – just ask Dave’s horse.

It’s kind of like when Dave says – I have a plan.
Which, in our group, is less a reassuring statement and more of a public safety announcement. Sirens should sound. Lights should flash. Zaph should appear out of nowhere just to say, “No.”

---

Winchester 2.0: Now With 300% More Poor Decisions

With Zaph away (clearly the universe removing adult supervision), Dave declared it the perfect opportunity to work on Lakehouse 2.0.

Or as I have officially, cartographically, and spiritually named it: Winchester.

Dave’s “small extension” plan included:

• Extending the workshop

• Expanding the kitchen

• Re-roofing the second storey

Which would “make room” (Dave optimism scale: extreme) for:

• Two relocated beds

• A biofuel oxite dissolver

• A glass working bench

• A fabricator

• A forge

• An upgraded textile bench

In essence, we were converting a lakeside retreat into an industrial complex powered entirely by copper shortages and denial.

Meanwhile, I was handling farming plots, watering duties, and gathering sulphur—because someone has to keep the group alive while Dave builds increasingly unnecessary infrastructure.

Dave took a break from construction to visit the automated mines, swapping empty biofuel cans for full ones and returning like a triumphant pack mule with Aluminium, Charcoal, and Gold.

We then did a full mining circuit for exotics and ores to feed Dave’s building spree. Every floor tile required iron nails. Every wall demanded leather, wood, and stone. Every device consumed copper like it was a lifestyle choice.

We even installed an automated copper drill behind the trader. Not because we were prepared. Because we were desperate.

---

Craig: Now With Flamethrower (What Could Possibly Go Wrong)

Back at the house, Craig was performing his assigned chores:

• Feeding animals

• Gathering wood for tree sap & biofuel

• Collecting fibre

• Mining silicate

• Producing charcoal

Given last week’s revelation that Craig cannot be trusted with open fires, Dave proposed the obvious solution:

Give him a flamethrower.

A significant amount of valuable resources was poured into crafting this instrument of selective environmental collapse.

And then—against all logic—Craig used it responsibly.

He cleared vegetation.
He burned trees carefully.
He showed restraint.

This was deeply unsettling for everyone involved.

---

Musical Interlude (Rewritten for Legal Reasons and Emotional Accuracy)

With Craig refusing to immolate the countryside on cue, the planned Fire performance was abandoned. Instead, Dave delivered something closer to a dying walrus attempting rhythm:

Yo VIP, let's kick it Ice, ice baby Ice, ice baby

Alright stop, collaborate and listen

Ice is back with my brand new invention – a water reservoir, and an Ice Box

Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know

Turn off the lights, and I'll glow

Deadly, when I play a dope

Anything less than the best is a felony

Love it or leave it, you better gangway

You better hit bull's eye, the polar bear don't play

If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it

Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

This would later prove to be less a song and more a prophecy.

---

The Ice Plan (Which Was Definitely About Ice and Not Death)

Like all great tragedies, this began innocently:

“The kitchen could use an ice-box.”

We also needed a water reservoir. Dave built both, then handed out shovels and declared we would go collect ice.

Already, the signs were there.

---

The Expedition: South, Because Of Course

I checked the map. We had two choices: west or south.

Like a fool, I asked Dave.

Dave noted there was a world boss to the west and immediately chose south—because clearly, that direction had never gone wrong before.

We set out:

• Dave and I on horses

• Craig on his buffalo

Progress was slow, as Dave stopped at every berry, soy bean, watermelon, and carrot like a man determined to forage his way into irrelevance.

Eventually, we neared our destination. I spotted a brown bear and advised caution.

Dave snuck up, took careful aim, and released.

One shot. Clean kill.

Dave immediately began questioning Zaph’s competence with bears.

This was the turning point. Hubris had entered the chat.

---

The Polar Bear Incident (Also Known As: The Beginning of the End)

At the pass, we began digging snow.

I spotted a polar bear and advised immediate evacuation.

Dave responded by sneaking up on it.

At this exact moment, Craig and I were both peacefully digging ice on the edge of the ice field, blissfully unaware that Dave had decided to initiate Operation: Poor Life Choices without notifying command, support, or anyone possessing a survival instinct.

He drew his bow.

He fired.

The arrow struck the polar bear… in the arse.

The bear flinched. Looked around.

Dave fired again. And again. Each shot landing with increasing concern and decreasing effectiveness.

Then the bear locked onto Dave.

And charged.

I yelled at Dave, cursing him for shooting a bear without warning anyone.

Dave, at this point, was fully committed to the “run and regret later” strategy.

The bear struck.

Dave was flung through the air, painting the snow in a tasteful red motif.

He attempted to mount his horse.

The bear disagreed.

As Dave lay dying, his final vision was his horse bravely fighting the bear—and losing.

---

Score Update

Polar Bear: 2
Dave & Horse: 0

---

Recovery Operations (Featuring Craig, Somehow Competent)

I lured the polar bear away on horseback while Craig—yes, Craig—snuck back and resurrected Dave.

Dave recovered the saddle.

“I will never forget you – Iron Hauler 2.0,” he sobbed.

Which would have been more moving if he hadn’t immediately gone back to digging ice.

---

Because He Learned Nothing: The Black Bear Sequel

I returned to scouting and issued another warning:

“Be careful—black bear incoming.”

Dave stopped digging. Drew his bow. Crept forward.

You already know how this ends.

Black Bear: 1
Dave: 0

Craig resurrected Dave again.

At this point, we had transitioned from expedition to mobile revival service.

---

Return to Winchester (Now With Ice and Emotional Damage)

We returned home, loaded the water reservoir, and stocked the ice chest.

Dave, now traumatised by nature, retreated indoors to play with the glass working bench.

He produced reinforced glass windows and doors.

We ran out of materials with eleven gaping window holes in the second storey.

Winchester continues to evolve in ways no one understands.

---

The Beacon of False Hope

I asked Dave when my encrypted communication beacon would be ready.

I had everything except titanium plates and composites.

We used the fabricator to make the titanium plates.

All that remained was composites.

“How do we make those?” I asked.

Dave opened the Icarus knowledge base.

“Uh huh… got that… got that… we have some of that…”

Pause.

“Oh.”

I gave him the look.

“What do we need?”

“Electricity,” he said. “And an electric metal refiner. And some other thing. And a power substation.”

“So next week then?”

---

The Mysterious Burning Bridge

We ended the night with what can only be described as a literary masterpiece:

The Famous Five and the Mysterious Burning Bridge

I stepped outside, looked over the lake, and noticed something deeply wrong.

“Who built the busted wooden bridge out over the lake?”

Craig denied everything.

Dave pointed out that he uses stone now, citing the lake walkway as evidence of personal growth.

We went to sleep.

Moments later, Craig woke us:

“Who set my bridge on fire?!”

We looked.

The bridge was not on fire.

Craig insisted it was.

We both streamed.

• Craig’s stream: bridge on fire

• My stream: perfectly fine

At this point, the possibilities were:

1. Icarus itself rejecting Craig’s construction

2. Dave secretly acquiring the flamethrower

3. Reality giving up

Some mysteries are not meant to be solved.

---

Lessons Learned (Debatable)

We learnt:

• Craig can be trusted with fire

• Craig cannot be trusted with construction

• A small success goes to Dave’s head, driving logic out

• The biofuel composter would work better if Craig stopped stealing the inputs

---

Achievements

• Dave: Thirsty Work, Idiot (killed by a Polar Bear)

• Myles: Herding Cats

• Craig: For Me (burn down a forest using a flamethrower)

• Zaph: Night Off

---

Next Week

We attempt to install a waterwheel on a lake with no flowing water to generate electricity to power something to make composites so I can unlock harder missions.

Because clearly, what this group needs…
is more complexity.

Footnote: The Bit Dave “Forgot” (Conveniently)

* It should be noted for the official record—since accuracy matters, and Dave’s memory is apparently selective at best—that Dave also forgot to mention the bit where he abandoned me in a mine, left to process the iron ore in the forge—alone—as the night and a storm closed in.

Only to have a Black bear start eating my horse, which required me to single-handedly kill it, because clearly that was now my problem.

Immediately following this, a large spider decided to join the evening’s festivities, which I also killed—again, alone—because teamwork had apparently been cancelled for the night.

At this point, having reached my quota for “unexpected wildlife encounters while unsupervised,” I packed up the ingots and the forge, and headed out into the storm to try and find my way home before dying of exposure.

It was a rough night.

Who Let the Wolves Out

Who Let the Wolves Out

A completely avoidable series of events, featuring architecture, agriculture, arson, and wolves. Mostly wolves.

---

It really does say something about a game when it becomes so offensively enjoyable that real life begins to pile up in quiet protest. Laundry mounts insurgencies. Dishes form alliances. Responsibilities glare at you from across the room like disappointed parents. And so, naturally, we scheduled a makeup session to deal with the far more pressing issue of in-game housework. Everyone was there.

Even Craig.

This, historically, has never been a reassuring statement.

---

A Brief History of Our Housing Market Failures

Before we begin, a moment of reflection.

Somewhere in Enshrouded, there exists a Spiderhouse. Within it are starving animals. Forgotten. Abandoned. Possibly writing memoirs about us.

On Dune, our once-epic mansion was sandblasted into myth by dust storms.

And on some long-forgotten realm, we were forcibly evicted by a Gold Dragon.

(Thanks, Craig.)

With this impeccable track record in mind, we decided—confidently, boldly—that it was time to move house again.

---

The Great Relocation Initiative™

Myles, dusting off his long-neglected leadership credentials (still slightly singed from prior misuse), declared that the rustic cottage was being criminally underutilised. It needed purpose. It needed vision.

It needed to be moved down to the lake.

Closer to the shop.

A sentence which, at the time, seemed reasonable.

Dave, never one to resist a full teardown, immediately declared the Half Stone–Half Wood Lakehouse obsolete—a relic of a less enlightened age (roughly last week). He proceeded to ransack it with the enthusiasm of a man who had just discovered all his possessions were technically lootable.

Workbenches? Gone.
Supplies? Gone.
Structural dignity? Optional.

Everything was loaded onto the cart, hauled to the rustic house… which was then also dismantled. Because consistency matters.

---

Urban Planning, But With Wolves

We took a leisurely circuit around the lake to find the perfect building site. This involved walking, pointing, second-guessing, and Craig wandering off in straight lines for reasons known only to Craig.

Eventually, a location was chosen.

A double-storey house was constructed.
A fenced enclosure for mounts was added.
A series of increasingly aggressive wolves objected to this development.

The wolves attempted to eat the mounts.
We objected to this objection.

Violence ensued.

Meanwhile, Dave, deep in his architectural phase, installed a sloped roof. This was a bold design choice, primarily because we ran out of materials halfway through.

The result: a roof that could best be described as philosophically complete.

---

Fire Safety Planning (Sort Of)

On the positive side, we established a robust emergency protocol:

If Myles burns down the forest,
we can all hide in the lake.

This will become relevant later.

---

🎵 This Week’s Musical Interlude 🎵

As foretold, Craig took on the role of travelling bard, delivering a rendition of On the Road Again that can only be described as autobiographical negligence:

🎵
On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin' trouble for my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again,
Don’t know where I’m going but I’m sprinting in,
There’s wolves ahead but I’ll just lean right in,
Can’t wait to pull aggro once again…

On the road again,
Zaph is yelling “stop” but I ignore my friend,
Myles drawing maps I’ll never comprehend,
Dave’s still picking flowers in the end…

On the road again,
Something big is chasing—guess I’ll kite it then,
Or maybe bring it back to base and see what happens when,
We all die horribly again…
🎵

A haunting ballad. A warning, really.

---

Pre-Zaph Productivity (A Rare Phenomenon)

In an unprecedented display of efficiency, Dave, Myles, and Craig logged in two hours early to finish the house so it would be pristine when Zaph arrived.

Dave, fuelled by purpose and possibly caffeine, established mining drills on nearby coal, gold, and aluminium deposits.

He then improved the house:

• Added a vestibule

• Removed doors (because doors are apparently a suggestion)

• Roofed Craig’s firepits to prevent rain-related existential crises

Meanwhile, Myles requested agricultural expansion. Dave responded by:

• Building a shovel

• Moving dirt

• Installing garden plots

• Planting coffee, cocoa, carrots, sugar cane, and tea

Civilisation had arrived.

---

Craig vs Forestry: Round 47

Craig, unsupervised, chopped down another forest.

He stacked the lumber directly in everyone’s way.

Then complained—complained—when we used it to build:

• Farm plots

• Sap

• Biofuel

• Furniture

• A door

(One door. Let’s not get carried away.)

---

Ore, Ingots, and Mild Disappointment

Myles and Craig embarked on a mining expedition, hauling back vast quantities of ore.

Progress was made. Ingots were forged.

And yet, despite all advances in technology and civilisation, Craig still could not reliably place ore in the correct furnace.

Some mysteries endure.

---

The Shop (A Monument to Expectations)

Myles and Zaph had spent considerable time describing the shop to Dave.

It had:

• Expansive farming

• Drip watering systems

• A greenhouse

They spoke of it with the reverence normally reserved for ancient wonders.

Dave arrived. Looked at it.

“I expected it to be bigger,” he muttered.

And thus, reality reasserted itself.

---

Project: Exterminates – Lupus

Myles, increasingly irritated by nearby world bosses refusing to pay rent, initiated a project.

He armed himself with:

• Spiked walls

• Hedgehogs

• Determination

The plan: remove wolves from the tenancy agreement.

Dave returned from the old house with remaining workbenches and completed the roof—ensuring, crucially, that none of the sections aligned in the same direction.

Craig built another inconvenient wood pile.

Balance was restored.

---

The Wolf Incident (Which Was Definitely a Bear)

After dinner, we gathered for the grand hunt.

Zaph logged in. Assessed the situation. Asked, “what are we hunting?”

“A bear,” declared Dave confidently, pointing at his map.

Zaph, using actual vision, replied:
“No bear. Lots of wolf tracks. Are you sure it’s not a wolf?”

“Definitely a big bad bear… just look at the world boss symbol.”

Craig triggered the fight.

Because of course he did.

---

“Wolves!! Why does it have to be wolves,” Dave moaned, missing every shot as the pack charged.

The wolves smashed into the fortifications, tearing down walls before the boss had even arrived.

Then it appeared.

A colossal black wolf. Red eyes. Flaming paws. A creature seemingly forged from spite and poor decision-making.

A hellhound.

And somehow…

No one died.

This alone should be recorded as a statistical anomaly.

After much chaos:

• Zaph and the team shredded its defenses

• Craig illuminated the battlefield with green flare arrows

• Myles’ hedgehogs delivered the final, humiliating blow

The beast fell.

Project Exterminates – Lupus: Success.

---

The Silence of Craig

We skinned the wolves and returned home.

Myles stayed behind to dismantle fortifications.

Craig grew quiet.

This is never good.

---

The Fire

As Myles rode away, he glanced back at the lakehouse, glowing in the morning light.

A proud moment.

Then a pause.

The sun… was in the wrong direction.

The glow intensified.

The forest was on fire.

Myles turned and rode back at full speed, only to find Craig calmly cooking meat on a campfire placed directly on flammable ferns.

The surrounding forest had already transitioned into charcoal.

No dragon required. The culprit was obvious.

Eventually, the fire burned itself out.

Which, frankly, was the best-case scenario.

---

Predator: Not Arnold Schwarzenegger

We regrouped for a new mission.

“Predator something.”

“It's not the predator from the movie is it?” Dave asked. “Because I forgot to pack Arnold Schwarzenegger and a minigun.”

“I am sure its just bored house cat,” Myles replied. “Easy peasy.”

This optimism would not age well.

---

Tracking… Or Not

Myles built fortifications.

Zaph instantly killed the pack leader.

The mission updated: find tracks.

We searched for 30 minutes. Nothing.

Eventually, Zaph discovered the tracks.

They were under a wall.

A wall built by Myles.

There was a moment.

We moved on.

---

Preparations and Delay

We followed tracks, killed wolves, and eventually located the creature’s future appearance point.

It would emerge at dusk.

It was currently breakfast.

So naturally, we:

• Built a barn

• Stopped Craig from starting another forest fire

• Constructed more hedgehogs

Because you can never have enough hedgehogs.

Dusk remained stubbornly distant.

So we called it.

---

Lessons Learned (Debatable)

Dave attempted to enjoy Borderlands 4, found the loot system offensive, and updated his negative review accordingly.

Icarus, meanwhile, insisted we had achieved things.

Which seems optimistic.

---

Achievements (Some More Questionable Than Others)

• Dave: Thirsty (Build a 50 litre water tank)

• Myles: Rock ‘n’ Roll (mine all the types of Ore)

• Craig:

  • Highly Skilled

  • Pyromaniac (unofficial but undeniable)

  • What’s that green glow?

• Zaph: One Shot Kill

---

Final Assessment

Craig cannot be trusted with:

• Fire

• Shopping

• Gold Dragons

• Maps

• Scouting

• Cooking

• Building

He can be trusted with:

• Mining stone

• Chopping trees

• Melting snow

And even then, he somehow burns the water.

---

Tune in next week when:

• Dave learns farming from a trader

• Zaph trains his third horse

• Myles feeds animals fish chunks

• Craig continues his lifelong quest to ensure no forest survives

And, critically, to keep Dave too distracted to mention the Gold Dragon incident ever again.

The Gold Dragon Incident (2003)

There are many dark chapters in the history of our gaming group.

Some involve Craig opening chests early. Some involve Dave wandering into hostile ecosystems alone to pick flowers. Others involve Zaph pulling an entire dungeon because "it looked manageable."

But above all of these sits a moment so catastrophic, so historically embarrassing, that it has become the universal measuring stick for every poor decision we have made since.

We refer, of course, to The Gold Dragon Incident.

Or, as historians now catalogue it:

"The Event Which Shall Not Be Discussed."

---

Historical Context

The incident occurred during the early years of Neverwinter Nights, the classic RPG released in 2002 by BioWare. The game shipped with the Aurora toolset, which allowed players to create their own online worlds and run persistent multiplayer servers.

Within months of release, persistent worlds began appearing across the community.

Our group eventually found ourselves on a custom server known as NODNOL.

Yes.

That is "London" spelled backwards.

This should have been our first warning.

---

The NODNOL Server

NODNOL was running what would now be called an early survival system.

Players were required to:

• forage for food

• manage fatigue

• carry bedrolls to sleep

• maintain supplies while traveling

In short, if you ran out of provisions you did not simply fast‑travel somewhere convenient.

You died.

On the day in question the party had been travelling for quite some time and supplies were running dangerously low.

Food was gone.

Fatigue was mounting.

The town — and its desperately needed supplies — lay just ahead.

Reaching it meant survival.

---

The Town

The town itself appeared to be a safe haven.

Law and order were clearly strong here.

Merchants bustled about the marketplace.

A fountain sat proudly in the town square.

And standing beside it, calmly observing the activity of the townsfolk, was a magnificent Gold Dragon.

In Dungeons & Dragons lore, gold dragons are famously lawful‑good creatures devoted to justice, order, and protecting communities. (forgottenrealms.fandom.com)

In other words, this dragon was not a monster.

It was effectively the town sheriff.

### Exhibit A: The Town Square

A reconstructed illustration of the moment before the disaster.

The town appeared peaceful. Merchants traded goods in the square, the fountain burbled quietly, and the Gold Dragon — beloved guardian of the town — watched over everything like a massive, scaly sheriff.

Nothing about the scene suggested that within the next sixty seconds someone would attempt to pickpocket the dragon.

Unfortunately, Craig was present.

---

Meanwhile, Sensible Things Were Happening

Dave (Shadowmage), Zaph, and Myles (molescat) were busy doing what starving adventurers normally do upon reaching civilization.

Trading.

Specifically trading an impressive quantity of rabbit pelts for desperately needed supplies.

The merchants were visited.

Deals were negotiated.

Coins changed hands.

Everyone behaved like responsible citizens.

For a few brief and shining minutes, everything was going perfectly.

---

Meanwhile, Craig

Craig (Pinback) was unsupervised.

This was the second warning.

While the rest of the party was conducting legitimate commerce, Craig noticed the dragon standing peacefully in the town square.

He studied it carefully.

He observed its size.

He observed the nearby guards.

He observed the very high law‑and‑order atmosphere of the town.

And Craig came to a decision.

Craig attempted to pickpocket the dragon.

### Early Reconstruction (Rejected)

An early attempt to reconstruct the incident.

Historians later determined that this illustration captured the correct location but the wrong energy.

The town square is too small, the dragon appears slightly too dramatic, and Craig looks far more competent than the historical record supports.

The image was therefore rejected.

---

A Technical Observation

This plan had several flaws.

The first problem is that dragons do not traditionally possess pockets.

The second problem is that stealing from the beloved guardian of a lawful town is typically considered a crime.

The third problem is that the server log recorded the event.

According to later testimony, the log clearly stated:

You attempt to pickpocket the dragon.

You fail.

---

The Consequences

What followed happened very quickly.

The dragon was not amused.

The town authorities were not amused.

And the game world reacted accordingly.

In Neverwinter Nights, when a pickpocket attempt is detected, the target NPC may immediately turn hostile and can trigger hostility in nearby factions such as guards or townsfolk. (nwn.fandom.com)

Which is more or less exactly what happened.

Meanwhile, Dave, Zaph, and Myles had absolutely no idea what had just occurred.

One moment they were peacefully trading rabbit pelts with merchants.

The next moment the town guards were attacking them.

There had been no warning.

No obvious provocation.

Just guards suddenly deciding the party was public enemy number one.

Under normal circumstances town guards are already difficult opponents.

Under the circumstances we were in — exhausted, hungry, and badly supplied — fighting them was not even remotely an option.

So we did what any sensible adventurers would do.

We ran.

Specifically, we fled south out of the town gate we had entered through, with guards chasing us and the dragon presumably observing the entire spectacle with profound disappointment.

---

The Wilderness Conference

Once safely outside the town walls the party regrouped.

"Safely" here meaning:

• bleeding

• exhausted

• still starving

• carrying nothing but coins

The supplies we had just bought were useless without access to the town itself.

Naturally, the discussion began.

The topic:

What in the nine hells just happened?

Dave was confused.

Zaph was confused.

Myles was confused.

Craig was... quiet.

Or offered helpful insights such as:

"I don't know."

This conversation continued for some time while the party attempted to reconstruct the sequence of events.

None of us had witnessed anything suspicious.

No one had attacked anyone.

No spells had been cast.

No chests had been opened.

Nothing made sense.

---

The Log

At this point someone had a brilliant idea.

Check the server log.

There, preserved forever in the impartial judgment of the game engine, was the truth.

The log revealed that Craig had attempted to pickpocket the gold dragon.

And failed.

Historians generally believe the entry looked something like this:

[Server Log – NODNOL]
Pinback attempts to pickpocket Gold Dragon.
Pinback fails pickpocket check.
Gold Dragon faction hostility triggered.
Town guards attack.

The mystery was solved.

The culprit was identified.

And the legend was born.

### Exhibit B: The Moment of Realization

A more accurate reconstruction of the critical moment.

Craig is clearly positioned next to the dragon, mid-pickpocket attempt, while the rest of the party stands nearby conducting legitimate business.

Within seconds of this moment, the dragon, the guards, and most of the town would become violently interested in our continued presence.

The server log confirms what this image suggests:

Craig was caught red-handed.

---

The Historical Debate

Craig has recently attempted to revise history.

His version involves heroic acts of daring theft, illustrated by artwork depicting him triumphantly stealing treasure from a dragon.

Multiple eyewitnesses dispute this interpretation.

The official record remains:

• Attempted pickpocket
• Failed roll
• Town exile
• Party death

An Epic Rescue Adventure – Almost No Forests Were Harmed

Last week’s expedition could best be described as a wildlife documentary narrated by something that hates us personally.

The theme was simple: nature vs. nurture, except nature brought teeth, claws, and a deeply personal vendetta. The nurturing part never really showed up.

Last week we all died by Polar bear, then some of us were rescued and died again by polar bear, and others died by wolf, and Craig died falling off a cliff. All in all, it was nature vs. nurture, with a lot of gnawing at our bones and no nurturing.

It was, in short, not our finest hour.

So this week we scheduled an extra session on Saturday, because clearly the correct response to catastrophic failure is to double down immediately and wander back into the frozen murder biome.

The mission objectives were simple:

1. Recover from last week’s polar bear–induced humiliation.

2. Run away from the Polar Bears with dignity (or at least speed).

3. Rescue Myles.

4. Head back to base alive, preferably with the same number of limbs we started with.

Amazingly, things started going well.

At one point we even shot a deer to distract a polar bear so Zaph and Dave could sneak past.

Myles’ commentary – amazing idea – great work, Dave.

Dave’s comment – I can’t believe that worked.

For once, the universe blinked first.

A Brief Moment of Competence

Back at our main base, we engaged in activities normally associated with people who are not being hunted by apex predators.

We mined some stone.

We fed the animals.

We patted the cat.

We put a roof on the extension Dave had been building.

It was domestic bliss, frontier edition.

Zaph, however, had learned an important lesson from the previous week.

Specifically: bows were useless against Polar bears.

This revelation led him to the only logical conclusion.

He learnt how to make a gun.

Dave, meanwhile, installed a fishing platform and fish traps because if there is one thing Dave cannot resist, it is building infrastructure in places that are actively trying to kill us.

Everything was going smoothly.

Which of course meant something terrible was about to happen.

The Craig Situation

“What about Craig?” you ask.

Ah yes.

Craig respawned, turned on the scanner that Dave forgot to do before we left, so he basically saved the mission – a true hero, who is now starving to death in the frozen wasteland (because why pack food) and waiting to be rescued.

Yes.

Craig had single-handedly saved the expedition.

Craig had also single-handedly stranded himself in the Arctic with no food.

Heroism is complicated.

The Radio Call

Don’t worry Craig, we are coming for you – Myles radioed.

I just need to make a checklist, check it twice, shoe the horses, pack all of Daves stuff, feed the animals, make medicine for Zaph etc, etc, etc.

On the other end of the radio came a burst of static.

Pssht, fizz, .. What? replied Craig – your are breaking up – Pssht, Pssht.

Stupid Comms – said Myles, who is yet to realise we are yanking his chain.

Naturally, we allowed this misunderstanding to continue.

For morale reasons.

This Week’s Song

Every epic journey requires a soundtrack.

This week’s song – Gonna Be – by the pretenders, sung by Zaph.

And it went a little something like this:

When I wake up, well, I know I’m gonna be

I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to Craig on fire

When I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be

I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you

But I would ride 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

Just to be the man who walks and rides a thousand miles

To save Craig from starving, scorpions and Polar bears

It was heartfelt.

It was heroic.

It was also slightly concerning.

The Expedition Begins

So here we are, on Friday the 13th, setting off on an epic arctic journey to rival Shackleton, Scott, Bourke and Wills.

Mount up! yelled Myles – Let’s get this wagon train rolling!

Dave, who has a long memory and a grudge that could power small machinery, immediately raised a concern.

Do we really have to rescue Craig? Dave whined – I mean, he is responsible for the gold dragon fiasco of 2001. I vote we leave him to die a painful death, so he learns a lesson.

Zaph, who was getting tired of Dave punishing Craig for the gold dragon episode, pointed his new rifle at Dave.

Something is getting shot tonight! he declared – I would prefer it to be a Polar Bear, but it could just as easily be you.

Dave considered this carefully.

Right replied Dave, got it, be right there, I just need to make some extra stuff to pack…. Rope, fur armour, food, animal bait, arrows.

⸻

Meanwhile, Craig Waits

Meanwhile, Craig is pondering the eternal question of life:

Have we forgiven him for the gold dragon debacle?

That’s a hard NO!!! from Dave.

Craig waited in the frozen wilderness contemplating this harsh truth.

Into the Frozen Pass

As Dave’s faithful buffalo had died last week, he was riding a horse this week.

Dave and Myles set off whilst Zaph was still having breakfast – destination – Scott hut in the Arctic Pass.

The journey was not peaceful.

There were wolves everywhere.

Dave and Myles had to stop often to shoot wolves, and when they weren’t shooting wolves, they were taking wide detours around large scorpions.

Not normal scorpions.

Scorpions the size of a pony.

Because apparently the planet looked at Earth wildlife and said, “Let’s scale that up.”

Finally, after dodging claws, stingers, and very poor life choices, they arrived at Scott hut.

There was a horse outside.

Inside, Zaph was warming his hands over a fire.

WTF!!! yelled Myles, throwing wolf meat on the fire.

Zaph just grinned.

what took you so long?

Dave, who was last as usual, replied:

Hey, these berries don’t pick themselves.

Zaph Goes Exploring

The next morning Zaph set off, gun in hand whilst Myles and Dave were having breakfast.

…that is the last we saw of him…

…for awhile.

The Lakehouse

When Dave and Myles arrived at the lake house – there was no sign of Zaph.

Myles checked the map.

Zaph was going the wrong way.

After a quick discussion with Zaph he decided to press on, hoping to find a new pass into the arctic region which would be closer to Craig’s last reported position.

Which was optimistic.

And probably unwise.

Craig’s Running Commentary

Craig, meanwhile, kept up a running commentary of complaints.

I am starving, the hut is falling apart, I can hear the scorpions trying to get in, what’s taking so long?

After listening to this for several minutes, we made the smart choice.

We turned off the radio.

Nobody wants to listen to the last sobbing cries of a dying hero.

Zaph vs The Scorpion

Finally, Zaph arrived at Mawson's  hut.

He left food inside, grabbed his rifle, and went looking for revenge on the bear that had slaughtered his horse last week.

Circling the hut he could see one scorpion.

Just one.

It paced slowly in the snow.

Zaph sighted in his rifle.

He breathed in.

Then out.

Then took the shot.

Crack.

Chitin exploded from the scorpion’s head as it collapsed in the snow.

Victory.

Brief.

Zaph vs The Bear

Wap!!

A polar bear that had been stalking Zaph smacked him hard.

Zaph hit the snow rolling, desperately trying to bring his rifle to bear.

He fired.

The polar bear kept coming.

Munch. Crunch.

Zaph was dead.

And then in an act of sheer spite, the bear killed Zaph’s horse.

Score – Bear 2, Zaph 1.

Craig the Rescuer

It was all up to Craig.

Could he dodge the bear and rescue Zaph?

Craig considered this carefully.

Then declared:

I am going to wait for the guys to get here.

He hid in the hut.

Strategically.

⸻

Meanwhile, Back at the Lakehouse

Dave set up the fishing rods.

Myles threw meat on the BBQ.

If we had invented beer, we would have cracked open a cold one.

Dave’s Mobile Hardware Store

After a leisurely lunch, Myles decided to head out to meet the guys halfway.

Dave strapped a new cart onto a new buffalo and packed the essential supplies:

• A concrete furnace

• An anvil

• A work bench

• Wood

• The mission boards

• A spare horse

Because Craig didn’t have a mount.

Dave then headed out slowly.

Very slowly.

Because the spare horse refused to trot, canter, or gallop.

It preferred existential reflection.

The Pass

Eventually Dave arrived at the pass.

Myles was already there.

Surveying a mine.

Because if there is one thing Myles cannot resist, it is discovering new places to extract resources.

Craig’s Heroic Rescue

Meanwhile, back at Mawson's hut.

Craig had repaired the hut.

He had eaten cooked pumpkin.

Starving people are desperate people.

Then he snuck past the bear and rescued Zaph.

Zaph and Craig set off walking back to the pass.

Hiding from bears.

Sneaking past scorpions.

Trying very hard not to become wildlife snacks.

Eventually they reached Myles, who had ridden in partway to meet them.

Industrial Mining Operations

Another horse was called down.

Myles provided a saddle.

Then we set up shop at the mine to strip it of all its resources.

The Concrete Forge was installed, as this can turn any metal into ingots.

The anvil was deployed for repairs.

A workbench was deployed to allow refuelling of the lanterns.

We stoked it with coal.

And got busy mining.

Whilst Dave and Zaph were being productive, Myles built a campfire to cook meat.

The Forest Incident

Score: Myles 1, Forest 0

Yes.

Myles lit the forest on fire with a campfire.

On the plus side:

• We now have more charcoal than we have any use for

• Craig was not responsible

This alone marks the event as historically unusual.

The Trader Mission

After we got bored with mining, Myles signed us up for a new mission.

Provide some materials to a trader who wanted to open a store for purchasing vegetables.

Myles had decided if he couldn’t stop Dave picking flowers, he could at least make some money from it.

The Trader needed:

• Aluminium

• Sulphur

• Glass

• Beeswax

Easy peasy.

We mined some nearby silica and used the Concrete furnace to create Glass.

We turned the Aluminium we had mined into ingots.

We mined some nearby Sulphur deposits.

Meanwhile, Zaph headed back to the lakehouse with some bees he caught to make a bee house so we could collect honey.

Dave’s Expanding Industrial Empire

Dave and Myles packed up the mine.

We left the stone firepit for Craig to pack.

Oh well we can always make another one.

Back at the lakehouse, Dave added an extension to the house for all the new toys he needed.

Then got busy constructing them.

• Machinery bench

• Biofuel composter

• Kitchen Stove

• Fishing Station

• Concrete Furnace

Craig supplied stone and timber which mysteriously vanished into Dave’s industrial complex.

A barn extension was built to house the carpentry bench and other equipment.

Dave’s building projects now occupy roughly half the continent.

Beeswax Problems

Zaph was off doing real life chores.

Myles did a delivery run to the trader.

Soon the only thing outstanding was the beeswax.

Unfortunately:

It takes a long time for bees to make honeycomb.

Which then has to be ground up in a mortar and pestle to make Beeswax.

Bees are industrious.

But not that industrious.

The Delivery Run

Finally we had had enough.

Myles and Zaph set off to make that delivery whilst Dave installed an automated mining tool on a nearby Sulphur deposit.

The Trader had:

• A glass house

• Water pumped to his garden beds

• A nice two storey house

Zaph looked at the property.

Then turned to Myles.

Don’t let Dave see this Zaph commented – or we will never get him away from the house.

This Week We Learnt Things

(that we thought we learned last week)

• Polar Bears are freaking tough, and sneaky.

• Don’t get emotionally invested in your animals – they will die.

• You can get Craig to log in, but you have to really motivate him to rescue the rescue party.

• Don’t deploy a campfire on ferns, unless your goal is to burn down the forest.

⸻

Did We Achieve Anything This Week?

Fist of the mountain baby, FIST OF the MOUNTAIN.

Only 1.1% of players have achieved this…

…oh wait.

That’s Borderlands 4.

Surprisingly, Icarus said we achieved a few things.

Actual achievements.

Dave doesn’t have to make stuff up.

But he did anyway.

Achievements

Dave achieved – So Cool (Build a structure with Ice)

Myles achieved –

Highly Skilled (reach the bottom of a talent tree)

Pyromaniac (burn down a forest using only a campfire)

Craig achieved –

Stone is my Jam (Mine a thousand stone)

Lumberjack (chop down a hundred trees)

It wasn’t me (someone else burnt down the forest - really)

Zaph achieved –

Suited Up (Drop with a full suit of armour in your loadout)

Next Week

Tune in next week when:

Dave visits the trader to learn how to make a farm.

Zaph trains his third horse.

Myles feeds the animals fish chunks.

And Craig mines a stone mountain and chops down a forest to keep Dave too busy to talk about the Gold Dragon incident.

 

Today’s Adventurer Is Tomorrow’s Frozen Bear Scat

 

TPK by 

Ursus Maritimus

Spoiler alert for those hoping this was a heroic tale of exploration, triumph, and frontier grit: it is not. It is, instead, the cautionary saga of four supposedly experienced space-age prospectors discovering that polar bears are not, in fact, large cuddly snow puppies.

This week's Theme Song – Polar Bear, a chilly lament for lost souls

There in a blizzard of ice
Four old man are riding
Myles is leading his Eskimo life
And knows where he's going
Out where the caribou run
This wilderness desert
He sits alone on the ground
Shaking and silent

Something is coming to take him away
Where will his long life end
After his life has been taken away
He'll be reborn and return

Please save him, polar bear
Release his spirit
Take him to where he'll be born again
You know him, polar bear
And many before him

You taught them where they'll be born again

Today’s adventurer, as the philosophers say, is tomorrow’s frozen bear scat.

---

The Grand Architectural Vision

If you remember last week, we talked about building a small extension to our house. Not a grand hall or a cathedral of frontier engineering. No, this was to be a modest project. A tasteful little architectural flourish. A small room extending out over the river.

Stone. Wood. Leather.

“More stone, more wood. more leather!” yelled Dave with the focused intensity of a medieval blacksmith preparing to arm an army. He stood at the anvil forging iron nails with grim determination while the masonry bench spat out stone floors and walls like some kind of enthusiastic geological vending machine.

Dave’s vision was simple: a tiny 5 × 5 extension, with two-storey walls. Something elegant. Something practical. Something that definitely required far more nails than we actually possessed.

Meanwhile, the rest of us had begun to realize that perhaps—just perhaps—we were spending slightly too much time on interior decorating while an entire alien planet waited outside.

“Are you finished yet? We need to get the buffalo packed.” Myles asked.

Dave paused and looked into the cupboard.

The expression on his face could only be described as the emotional equivalent of discovering the coffee machine is broken on a Monday morning.

We were out of iron.

No iron meant no nails.

No nails meant no roof.

And thus our architectural masterpiece became what real estate agents would charitably describe as an open-plan design with excellent ventilation.

It was time to hit the road.

---

Mission Selection: The Fateful Choice

Myles checked which operations were available.

Two options appeared:

• A 3 skull Desert mission unlocking a bunch of new missions

• A 2 skull Arctic mission unlocking a bunch of new missions

Now, any experienced adventurer will tell you that the desert is hot, unpleasant, and full of creatures that want to eat you. The Arctic, however, is cold, unpleasant, and full of creatures that want to eat you.

Naturally, Myles went with the Arctic mission, because 2 skulls means it’s a walk in the park.

Followed by a snow zone.

Another walk in the park.

And then a frozen landscape.

Nothing we hadn’t seen before.

Piece of cake.

---

Packing the Expedition

90 minutes were spent prepping and packing the buffalo.

Not five minutes.

Not ten.

Ninety.

This was less “packing for a quick trip” and more “Victorian polar expedition preparing to discover the Northwest Passage.”

Eventually we set off:

• Over the new stone bridge

• Through the forest

• Down toward the snowy pass

Myles and Zaph rode ahead scouting and killing wolves to protect the expedition like responsible expedition leaders.

Meanwhile, Dave was riding along peacefully when a bear attacked him.

Dave immediately kicked his buffalo up a gear and raced away at maximum speed.

Craig, seeing an opportunity for glory, leapt heroically off his horse to kill the bear.

Score

Bear 2, Craig 0

---

Casualty Retrieval Services

Myles and Zaph returned to recover Craig’s body, while Dave calmly deployed the delivery board and called another mount down from the station like a frontier Uber driver.

Soon we were back on the way.

Slightly more cautious.

Slightly more suspicious of bears.

But still confident.

---

The First Polar Bear

When we reached the snowy pass, the way forward was blocked by a Polar Bear.

“How tough can it be?” asked Dave.

Those words have historically preceded many regrettable events.

Myles deployed a fortified wall and some hedgehogs (spikes, not the cute kind).

Myles, Zaph and Craig took positions on the rampart behind the wall while Dave stood on a rock like a dramatic statue of misplaced confidence.

Zaph fired.

The bear charged.

Ignoring Dave entirely, it slammed into the wall and destroyed the spikes.

After many arrows and bullets, the bear began to resemble a porcupine more than a bear.

Eventually it collapsed.

Victory!

Clearly we had mastered the Arctic.

---

Return to the Lake House

We travelled on, eventually reaching the forest and our lake house.

Here we stopped to:

• Cook some meat

• Refill water

• Get a night’s rest

Everyone carefully locked in their respawn point at the lake house.

This will become important later.

Very important.

In the morning Dave packed one of the bed rolls onto the cart.

Unfortunately, he unknowingly chose the exact bedroll that he and Myles had bound their respawn to.

At the time, this seemed like a minor logistical decision.

In hindsight, it was the opening move in a comedy of catastrophic errors.

---

Into the Arctic

We headed North then East searching for a pass into the Arctic region.

Eventually we reached the edge of the Arctic zone.

Unfortunately the weather had other plans.

Storm after storm rolled through.

So we built a stone hut for shelter while multiple storms blew across the tundra.

And while we were sheltering…

A bear snuck up.

It killed Zaph.

It also killed his level 40 horse.

We cried for the horse.

Score

Bear 2, Zaph 0

We called in another horse.

---

The Frozen Grind

We travelled deeper through the Arctic.

Fighting off:

• Wolves

• Hypothermia

• Frostbite

• General poor life choices

Eventually we located the first component in a supply box.

Then not long after we found the second component.

Things were going well.

Suspiciously well.

---

The Door Incident

The weather began to look ominous.

Myles suggested we build another small shelter.

“Dave, build a small stone house.”

Dave grabbed stone pieces from the cart and assembled a 2 × 2 hut.

It had:

• A work bench

• A doorway

“Just need to install the door,” Dave said.

“Put in a fire and some bedrolls.”

Dave looked at the cart.

No door.

“Where is the door?” Dave asked.

“I told you to build it,” Myles replied.

What followed was a heated debate involving:

• Logistics

• Responsibility

• Whose job it was to craft doors

• Several creative suggestions about where the missing door could be shoved

---

The Polar Bear Arbitration Committee

The squabbling attracted a polar bear.

The bear attacked.

It ate a mount.

We scattered while drawing weapons.

The bear killed a second mount.

Then, bored with horses, it killed:

• Zaph

• Myles

• Dave

Craig circled the house with bow drawn.

This was his moment.

His chance to shine.

To rescue the group.

To be the hero.

“Rescue me!” pleaded Dave.

“Rescue Zaph!” pleaded Myles.

Craig focused on the bear.

He fired.

He missed.

The bear casually swatted him aside and ate his Moa.

Craig ran for his life.

The bear followed.

Craig tripped.

Fell off a cliff.

And died.

The bear almost died laughing, then slaughtered the Buffalo.

Silence fell.

Broken only by the dripping of blood.

Score

Bear 8 ; Party 0

We hadn’t sucked this badly since the gold dragon incident of 2001.

---

The Respawn Catastrophe

“No problem,” said Myles.

“Dave you can respawn here using the bedroll you deployed.”

“I didn’t get a chance to deploy it, so back to the lakehouse we go,” replied Dave.

Dave clicked respawn.

Icarus replied:

“No Respawn point found – do you want to respawn in a random location?”

This is the sort of message that makes the blood run cold.

Zaph and Craig respawned at the lakehouse without any gear.

Myles respawned as far away as possible on the map, close to our main base.

Dave waited patiently for rescue.

---

Rescue Attempt #1

Craig made his way back and rescued Dave.

Dave searched the area.

He couldn’t find the buffalo.

He couldn’t find the cart.

The bear returned.

It slaughtered Craig and his mount again.

Dave almost killed the bear.

In the same way the Titanic almost missed the iceberg.

…It was that close.

Score

Bear 3 ; Craig & Dave 0

---

Rescue Attempt #2

Zaph made it back to the hut in the Arctic and rescued Craig and Dave.

He also found the third piece and constructed the device for the mission.

Then a scorpion appeared and killed Zaph’s horse.

Because of course it did.

---

Meanwhile: Myles’ Long Walk

Myles began the extremely long journey back across the map to rejoin the group.

Halfway there he was killed in the frozen wilderness by wolves.

Because apparently the wildlife on this planet operates a kill-on-sight policy.

---

The Waiting Game

Dave built a small stone hut and huddled inside with:

• The beacon

• A camp fire

• A bedroll

He waited for the device to activate during a storm.

Craig and Zaph occupied a slightly larger hut nearby.

We eventually called the session before it went into overtime.

---

Final Score

Icarus (Bears, wolves, scorpion): 17

Including one full TPK

---

Lessons Learned

Every story has a moral. A takeaway. A lesson for future generations.

This week we learned:

• Polar Bears are freaking tough, and sneaky.

• Don’t get emotionally invested in your animals – they will die.

• When the buffalo dies – you lose everything.

• Whether you survive the weather depends on solid preparation, and planning.

• Todays hero is tomorrows Polar bear scat.

---

Weekly Achievements

Did we achieve anything this week?

Bugger all really, so once again we have to make stuff up.

Dave achieved – Doorway moment (Forgot to pack a door)

Myles achieved – Erimophobic (afraid of the desert), TPK (Total Party Killed)

Craig achieved – Trifecta!! (Killed 3 times by a bear)

Zaph achieved – I am scat (Become bear poop), XL pet (Level 40 mount died)

---

And of course, we will be back next week to find out if Dave dies in the hut in the Arctic waiting for the device to do something.

(Zaph did you put batteries in this?)

Every Journey Home Starts With a Single Day Spent Repacking the Cart

 

There are epic quests. There are heroic stands. There are desperate battles against nature, beast, and Craig.

And then there is repacking the cart.

This weeks - Theme Song – Building a fort, sung by Myles in the key of E.

Life is complicated,
things don't go as planned
Craig acts in ways that I don't understand
It all came crashing down through no fault of my own
Think it's time I build a fort all by myself alone

I tried to fit in and they told me I could not
The outside world is overrated by a lot
I might as well just run and hide until I'm fully grown
Here I go, I'll build a fort all by myself alone

Did we mention Dave and Myles were in the scouts?

Because if you ever wondered what happens when two former scouts are given access to a survival crafting game and a beast of burden with limited inventory slots, the answer is: spreadsheets in human form.

To quote John Wayne —
"Slap some bacon on a biscuit and let's go! We're burnin' daylight!" — yelled Dave.

The cart was packed. It wasn’t getting any lighter. The Buffalo who had to pull the cart nodded its head in agreement, radiating the weary patience of an animal that has seen too much.

“Are you sure we can’t fit more stuff on the cart?” asked Myles.

The Buffalo gave Myles the stink-eye.

“It’s full,” said Dave. “Let's go home. I want to build stuff, and I miss MoJo (the cat).”

“How do you burn Daylight?” asked Craig.

“It’s an expression,” replied Dave. “Like the Day isn’t getting any younger. It means we should go already.”

“How old is the day?” asked Craig, clearly attempting to distract Dave while he tried to sneak his animal head collection onto the cart.

“What if we had more pouches? Would that let us carry more stuff?” asked Myles, who clearly knows how to distract Dave.

Dave paused.

His eyes lit up.

“Yes, yes, YES!!!!! That will work. Quickly unpack the Anvil, some iron to make nails, and lots of leather,” he commanded Myles as he rushed to the crafting bench to make an advanced textile workbench.

Moments later, it was built and deployed, and Dave was chuckling like a madman as he crafted pouches and stitched leather with the manic energy of a frontier haberdasher possessed by the spirit of logistics.

The Buffalo redirected its stink-eye at Dave.

Myles took the bags to the cart and filled them. Soon, the Buffalo had a third of its slots free, and Dave had loaded the cart with everything that wasn’t nailed down.

Dave did not notice that Craig had successfully snuck his trophies on board.

Just like those safe-harbour statements that movies have, saying "No animals were harmed in the making of the movie," we should point out …

Oh wait.

Many, many digital animals were harmed in the making of this episode.

Craig’s new nickname is The Butcher.

Icarus had added a new feature in the latest build: you put the dead animal on the skinning bench, and it just starts working.

Amazing. Naturally, we had to try it out.

Craig noted that the bench did not yield trophies (animal heads); somehow, the head collection kept growing.

It’s a mystery we may never solve.

---

“Finally,” said Dave, “let’s go already, before Myles starts checking lists.”

“Has anyone seen Zaph?” asked Myles.

Zaph, it turns out, had started another operation to repair a spacecraft whilst Dave and Craig argued over cart space allocation.

“Zaph come in – where are you?” Myles asked over the radio.

“Pssht, bssht, fizz – you are breaking up – fizz, pssht – Come again … over!!” Zaph replied.

“Very funny,” said Myles, looking at the map. “I installed a tracking device in your saddle, so the question is rhetorical: why are you at the other end of the map?”

“Just checking what we must do to complete the ‘Repair Spacecraft’ mission,” Zaph replied.

“Mission, what Mission?” asked Dave, giving Myles the stink-eye.

“Calm down,” said Myles. “We can get two missions done in the time it takes you to pack the cart.”

Dave and the Buffalo doubled down on giving Myles the stink-eye.

“It’s simple,” said Zaph:
• Repair the navigation thingy
• Find a thingy
• Refuel the spacecraft with a full can of Biofuel

“But where would we even find a can of Biofuel?” queried Craig.

“ON THE CART!!” said Dave, unhappy that no one had noticed we had carried a can of biofuel to the other end of the map for no apparent reason.

He is the living embodiment of the scout motto: Be Prepared.

---

Zaph built a hut while waiting for us to catch up.

Craig built a thatch roof over the firepits so the rain wouldn’t put them out, then spent an hour trying to work out how to upgrade them to wood — because Zaph asked why they were thatch.

It turns out, you have to use the same size piece, Craig, when upgrading. The game doesn’t let you upgrade half-size thatch pieces with full-size wood pieces.

Some lessons must be learned through suffering.

We used our smelted copper ingots to repair the thingy, and Dave refuelled the spacecraft, putting the empty can back on the cart.

“Has anyone seen the anvil?” asked Myles.

“It should be on the cart where you would have repacked it after making nails,” Dave replied.

Queue — silence from Myles.

---

Forts Are the New Thing

One last task to do: recover a space thingy to finish fixing the spacecraft.

Only one problem.

The space thingy was a chew toy for a named Cougar.

Even Zaph feared getting too close to this one.

We huddled up.

“Hedgehogs,” declared Myles.

“Not a chance,” said Zaph. “This is a problem even hedgehogs can’t solve.”

So Myles did some research and learned how to build fortified walls.

First you put up a wall.
Then you attach large sections of spikes that make hedgehogs look like children’s toys.
Finally, you put a walkway behind the wall so you can stand on that to shoot over it like a medieval IT department defending its server racks.

We packed five sections of wall, spikes, and ramp on the Buffalo.

The Buffalo looked downtrodden and pierced Myles with its saddest stink-eye yet.

We approached the location.

Craig felled trees.
Zaph constructed a hut for medical triage (respawn).
Dave and Myles put out hedgehogs.

Then we crept the hedgehogs forward, advancing into Cougar territory.

The fortified wall was so new and shiny Myles didn’t want to deploy it.

At least that’s what we think after the fifth time we requested the wall to be deployed, and he ignored us.

It worked.

The cougar attacked, got stuck on hedgehogs and wall, got stuck in a crack, then vanished.

Whilst Zaph searched frantically for the missing Cougar, Craig wandered around and asked, “What’s this chest?”

“What Chest?” said Dave from where he was looting it.

---

Zaph rode back to repair the spacecraft, while we broke down the fortifications and packed them on the Buffalo.

“Oops,” said Zaph, “I accidently triggered the countdown.”

As the spacecraft systems rebooted.

1%, 2%, … 5%.

All the flashing lights and countdown announcements attracted wolves and bears that attacked the spacecraft.

We rushed back to help defend the poor shiny metal thing from getting scratch marks.

Myles and Dave helped Zaph shoot wolves.

Craig ran around skinning them.

A named bear ate Zaph whilst Dave was moving the Buffalo out of danger.

Dave packed wolves on the Buffalo trying to stay ahead of Craig.

Finally, the spacecraft launched.

Another successful mission brought to you by the four musketeers (stooges).

---

“That was fun, let’s do another mission,” declared Myles. “Break out the contact beacon thingy, Dave.”

Dave and the Buffalo traded looks.

“I don’t pack equipment that distracts us from going home,” declared Dave, as he wandered off to mine ore. “It’s back at the lake house.”

Myles gave Dave the stink-eye.

Zaph rode back to the lakehouse, whilst Dave mined and smelted, Craig skinned wolves, and Myles muttered under his breath.

“Mission successful — take that ChatGPT with your whiny predictions of failure.”

Zaph, of course, kicked off another mission instead of bringing back the boards.

“<Expletive deleted>,” exclaimed Dave as a resource drop pod crashed through the roof of the hut, crushing Myles.

The new mission: Something stinks on Icarus.

“What’s that smell?” asked Craig.

“He who smelt it dealt it!” replied Zaph.

“It wasn’t me,” declared Craig.

We will leave it to you, the discerning reader, to decide.

And yes, this mission stinks.

Go kill a creature wandering around location A, spreading poisonous gas.
Head to location B and take a sample from a toxic plant.
Then off to location C to collect a dangerous, broken chemical weapon.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Whilst deploying Hedgehogs and fortified walls for the stinky bear, Craig was over-encumbered, and the bear smacked him.

Luckily Zaph distracted the bear and led it onto the hedgehogs before dying heroically.

Craig bled out while we killed the bear.

The rest of the mission was a walk in the park.

Where the park is a swamp.

And the box is atop a hill that requires—

“What is next?” asked Zaph.

“We are heading home as Dave misses his cat,” replied Myles.

Myles and Zaph headed off.

---

Dave built a new anvil because Myles was going to need one, and packed the mission board on the Buffalo, and some more leather and bone, and the rest of the ingots.

He checked the map.

The guys were already halfway through the snow, and he hadn’t left yet.

Time to go!!

Craig waited for Dave at the snow hut — melting water, keeping the fire burning, setting up a light so Dave could find his way in the dark.

Everyone needs a Craig in their group.

---

Meanwhile — back at the house

Myles and Zaph got home, where Zaph built a 6-storey tower to see if they could spot Dave.

After recovering from Hypothermia, Dave and Craig finally returned to the house.

Zaph logged to avoid unpacking.

Myles and Dave unloaded the cart while Craig mined stone and felled trees, to constant calls from Dave for more raw materials.

Dave asked for someone to go to the automated mine, refuel it and bring back the platinum.

Myles volunteered.

He arrived at the automated mine, grabbed the platinum and called Dave to let him know how much ore he had.

Dave was happy.

“Next, refuel the mine, please,” he instructed Myles.

It goes without saying that Myles had forgotten the fuel can and had to make another trip.

---

Myles learnt how to craft lamps, and Dave added a cooking station to make animal fat to fuel them.

Myles upgraded the mission board so we can take encrypted Operations.

Craig built a trophy bench, then stuck animal heads up all over the house.

Dave converted Zaph’s wooden bridge to stone, then built a Barn.

An enormous stone structure.

With a cat door.

And a pitched roof.

“What do you think?” he asked Myles and Craig.

“It’s bigger than our house,” said Myles.

“Oh,” said Dave. “I guess I can build an extension.”

He rubbed his hands together.

“More stone, Craig.”

---

And that’s a wrap.

We leave our intrepid heroes discussing if the extension should go from the house to the cliff, or out on the river.

Did we achieve anything this week?

It feels like we did.

We built many wood cabins, slaughtered everything that moved, completed 2 operations, returned home safely, unpacked the cart, built a barn, learnt some stuff, and upgraded the bridge.

• Dave achieved – Something in my eye (Use stink-eye repeatedly), Check it Out (Make your buddies pretend to like the new house extension you built)
• Myles achieved – Herding Cats (no explanation required), Hedgehogs are so yesterday (research and build a fortified wall), bag it (pack ten bags)
• Craig achieved – Seriously! (Eaten by a bear whilst too encumbered to walk), I learnt nothing (Get frustrated upgrading the roof)
• Zaph achieved – Crushed it (Squash another player with a resource pod), Fully Ramped! (built a ramp up a cliff to recover a mission objective)

And of course, we will be back next week to do it again as we try the new encrypted missions

Help, I'm in the pod

Welcome to the new barn...