The Inquisition of Craig, Sir Vegetable the Heretic
Date: 322.987.M41
Location: Tribunal Chamber IV, Holy Ordos of the Inquisition, Segmentum Obscurus
Presiding Officer: Grand Inquisitor Sir Reginald the Pious
Accused: Craig, alias “Sir Vegetable”
Charges: Heresy, Insubordination, Tactical Incompetence, and Unauthorized Battlefield Interpretive Dance
In the name of the Holy Emperor, Ruler of the Imperium of Man, Guardian of Mankind, and Supreme Arbiter of the Adeptus Terra, let it be known that the following transcript is the official record of the Inquisition of Craig the Heretic, as dictated by Grand Inquisitor Sir Reginald the Pious.
Sir Reginald: Craig, you stand accused of heresy, insubordination, and generally poor decision-making. How do you plead?
Craig: Not guilty.
Sir Reginald: Not guilty?
Craig: Correct.
Sir Reginald: Craig, did you or did you not receive a direct order from your commanding officer, Rogue Trader Sir Lazarus von Valancius, to fall back and regroup?
Craig: I did.
Sir Reginald: And did you follow that order to the letter?
Craig: I did.
Sir Reginald: Let the record show that Craig the Heretic is a liar and a heretic. Play the surveillance footage.
[Footage Begins: A wide-angle shot of the battlefield shows the squad falling back to cover while Craig, in a magnificent display of singular incompetence, stops directly in the middle of the war zone, looking around confusedly.]
Sir Reginald: Craig, what do you have to say for yourself?
Craig: I was following orders.
Sir Reginald: You were following orders?
Craig: Yes.
Sir Reginald: You were ordered to fall back and regroup, yes?
Craig: Yes.
Sir Reginald: And yet, rather than regrouping, you instead stopped in an open killing field, twirling about like a particularly lost servitor.
Craig: That is a mischaracterization.
Sir Reginald: Pause Would you like to characterize it yourself?
Craig: I… was performing reconnaissance.
Sir Reginald: You were standing still, in broad daylight, amidst a hailstorm of bolter fire.
Craig: Exactly. I was acting as a distraction for my teammates.
Sir Reginald: Turns to scribes Let the record reflect that Craig the Heretic has now confessed to deviating from orders and engaging in reckless battlefield behavior.
Craig: That is not what I said!
Sir Reginald: Silence, heretic!
Sir Reginald: Let us move on. Witness testimony will now be provided by your squadmates. First, we call forth Rogue Trader, Officer Sir Lazarus, House von Valancius of House von Valancius.
Rogue Trader, Officer Sir Lazarus, House von Valancius: Steps forward, looking exasperated.
Sir Reginald: Please recount for the court your recollection of the events.
Rogue Trader, Officer Sir Lazarus, House von Valancius: Sighs deeply. We were falling back. Everyone was moving in an orderly fashion, except Craig. Craig, instead of retreating like a normal person, ran toward the enemy, stopped halfway, and started fiddling with his inventory screen.
Sir Reginald: His inventory screen?
Rogue Trader, Officer Sir Lazarus, House von Valancius: Yes, Lord Inquisitor. I believe he was looking for a different weapon.
Sir Reginald: Rubs temples. Very well. Next, we call forth Lanto, the Sniper.
Lanto, the sniper: Steps forward with a look of resigned frustration. I took my position, provided cover fire, and then I saw Craig standing in the middle of the battlefield. He then proceeded to look up at the sky as if contemplating the meaning of existence. Then, when an enemy charged him, he panicked and dropped his weapon.
Sir Reginald: He dropped his weapon?
Lanto, the sniper: Indeed, Lord Inquisitor.
Sir Reginald: And what, pray tell, did he do next?
Lanto, the sniper: He attempted to punch the enemy in the shin. It was, unsurprisingly, ineffective.
Sir Reginald: Turns to Craig. What do you have to say in your defense?
Craig: In my defense, the shin is a vulnerable point!
Sir Reginald: Visibly restraining exasperation. Craig, did you at any point read the tactical brief provided to you prior to the mission?
Craig: Pauses. The, uh, tactical what?
Sir Reginald: Turns to scribes. Let the record show that Craig the Heretic does not read mission briefings.
Craig: That seems unnecessary.
Sir Reginald: Silence!
Sir Reginald: One final matter, Craig. We have received reports that you… discovered a novel application of the Charge ability?
Craig: Oh yes! I learned I can charge at nothing to gain extra movement in my action phase. Pretty clever, right?
Sir Reginald: Slowly blinks. Let me ensure I understand correctly. You—rather than charging an enemy—opted to charge at nothing… in a desperate attempt to scam additional movement?
Craig: Well, when you put it that way, it sounds—
Sir Reginald: That is because it is absurd! You are telling me that in a universe of unending war, of grim darkness where there is only battle, you, Craig the Heretic, have invented the sacred art of… sprinting with extra steps?
Craig: Yes! And it worked brilliantly!
Sir Reginald: Turns to scribes. Let the record reflect that Craig, rather than engaging in combat like a proper servant of the Emperor, has turned battlefield tactics into a farce of interpretative footwork.
Craig: It’s efficient!
Sir Reginald: It is heresy against logic itself!
Craig: The Emperor teaches us to use every advantage available!
Sir Reginald: The Emperor does not teach us to charge at the wind like an overenthusiastic grox!
Final Verdict:
By the divine light of the Emperor and the authority vested in me as Grand Inquisitor, it is hereby decreed that Craig the Heretic is guilty of the following crimes:
Wanton disregard for the most basic tenets of battlefield survival.
Guilty of battlefield buffoonery and unauthorized application of combat mechanics in a manner most unbecoming of an Imperial servant...
The inability to execute a simple tactical withdrawal without resembling a malfunctioning servitor.
Bringing shame upon the Imperium by attempting, and failing, to engage an enemy combatant in fisticuffs like some feral underhive pit-fighter.
For these transgressions, the sentence is as follows:
Craig shall endure the sacred and eternal torment of Remedial Tactical Training, wherein he shall be forced to read—and comprehend—battlefield orders until such time as an Imperial Saint declares him competent.
He shall pen a devotional tract titled Why Standing in the Open is Not a Viable Strategy: A Heretic’s Lament, to be distributed to all new conscripts as a cautionary tale.
As further penance, he shall wear the Mark of the Tactical Dunce, a luminous purity seal affixed to his armor that states, "I Shall Not Tarry in No Man’s Land."
Lastly, in an act of great mercy, he shall be assigned to Rogue Trader, Officer Sir Lazarus, House von Valancius, who shall ensure his future battlefield conduct does not further embarrass the Imperium.
May the Emperor’s light illuminate Craig’s befuddled mind, and may He have mercy on whatever unfortunate regiment inherits him next.
Transcript ends.
In other news:
Here's Heinrix messing with the Chaos Knight, lying flat on his back.
1 comment:
What a complete and utter stich up. Typical actions from the high and mighty Emperor's lackies. Their very own testimoany (intentional pun because all they can do is moan about this and that) proves they have have no imagination, and simply can't comprehend my sheer brilliance when it comes to tactics.
Once again, the complete lack of recognition of me, little ol humble me, taking out the last 5 enemies in one movement. So let the record stand and show that I am simply the most humble and brilliantly awsome team mate. +
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