Thunder Hammers and Emotional Damage

Warp Shenanigans: The "Diplomacy" Phase

Everything isn’t something. Or as Craig put it, “What if the real loot was the friends we made along the way?" To which Zaph immediately replied, "No."

You may recall from last week's episode of "Space Tinder: Xenos Edition," Yrliet, our resident alien sniper with trust issues and high standards, was growing increasingly weary of being hit on by Mon-keigh NPCs. Lazarus, ever the opportunistic noble with delusions of grandeur (and possibly a secret thing for pointy-eared emotional unavailability), suggested we make ourselves more attractive by saving some of her people. You know. Heroically. On brand.

Thus began our deeply scientific approach to finding them: warp-jumping randomly from system to system like overly caffeinated space surveyors with a broken GPS. We scanned a dozen worlds, found precisely zero romantic subplots, and began to suspect the GM had finally installed that "Disappointment Expansion Pack."

Eventually, we stumbled upon a system mid-space battle. Cue dramatic music. We inserted ourselves into the fray with all the grace of a diplomatic sledgehammer. Pascal calmly convinced the local PDF (Planetary Defence Force, not a file format) to leave, thus proving once again that Dave is alarmingly persuasive when speaking through a 7-foot metal priest with tentacle arms.

Yrliet's kin, however, were less receptive. We offered them safe passage; they politely declined. We offered supplies; they accepted. We offered witty banter; they exploded. Bit rude, really.

Then we met some scavengers salvaging wreckage. We offered them a ride. They foresaw our doom and politely passed. It is difficult to argue with psychic clarity.

Skipping the Chaos fight (because we like our intestines inside), we diverted to a crash site belonging to the Inquisition. Surely nothing could go wrong there.

Spoiler: Everything went wrong.

The ship was filled with the sort of ambiance you get when a murder cult throws a surprise party. Pulsating walls, psychic howling, and just enough corpses to make you question your life choices. But there was loot. Oh, the loot. And keycards. And locked doors. And enough ominous foreshadowing to make a Black Library author weep.

We were, predictably, ambushed. And just when things got tense, Lazarus (me) began barking orders. Tactical orders. Motivational orders. Possibly some feedback on turret placement. Apparently, this was a bit much for Vegetable, who, in a moment of cathartic release and possible psychotic break, struck Lazarus into the floor with a thunder hammer.

To be clear: one hit. Knocked out. Sister Argenta got caught in the shockwave and was stunned too. Vegetable then immediately sprinted off to play with turrets like a toddler after an espresso.

Zaph and Yrliet, with the cold detachment of seasoned operators, turned the tide with grenades and impeccable aim. We stabilized Lazarus (thank you, auto-docs) and carried on into the belly of the corrupted ship.

There we found it: the Glowy Sphere of Problematic Mystery. It summoned mutants. It summoned plague demons. It refused to die unless its minions were defeated in ritual combat. Naturally, we obliged. Vegetable redeemed himself by turning into a walking plague blender, coating himself in corpse confetti. When the sphere finally exploded in a satisfying burst of narrative closure, we took our loot and returned to the ship for a bit of R&R and morally ambiguous shopping.

The Space Battle (or: Ram Not Included)

We ended the session with a ship-to-ship skirmish. We broadsided enemies. We dodged missiles. We even tried to line up a glorious ram. Thus far, the ram remains decorative. Like a novelty hood ornament made of disappointment. But we gained skills, upgrades, and a new crew position, possibly titled "Ram Alignment Officer" (applications open, experience with spatial geometry preferred).

Next time: Does Yrliet love Lazarus now? Will Craig hit something on purpose? And what exactly is our mission? (Seriously, does anyone remember?)

Haunted by Ghosts, Demons, and HR Complaints

Heretics, Mutants, Chaos Ghosts – Living the Dream

Ah, Rogue Trader. Where the only thing more chaotic than the warp is our decision-making.

We resumed our adventure mid-rebel-camp, having given the Eldar Farseer a righteous kicking and then immediately deciding to loot everything not nailed down, and even some things that were. In classic form, we picked a fight with the last remaining rebels, who responded to our efforts at peacekeeping (read: bolter fire) by legging it toward the communications shack. One got away, leaving us in pursuit like a particularly violent episode of Benny Hill.

The chase ended abruptly with the discovery of his mangled remains and a lot of very large footprints. Lanto, freshly enamoured with his new anti-big-things sniper rifle, was promptly knocked on his arse by a roar so mighty it rearranged his priorities and part of his skeleton. He then spent the entire fight playing dead while the rest of us actually killed the monsters. Dave, unimpressed, commented, "We are all really impressed with your new gun. Does it shoot?"

Back on the voidship, we returned to our regularly scheduled spa time. Lazarus did some shopping, Pascal whispered sweet tech-heresies to the ship, and we eventually headed down to confront the Governor. She denied everything, despite us knowing everything, and when Lazarus called her out for being tainted by chaos, she tried to sell it as "family tradition." Whilst Lazarus spends a lot of time shopping, he wasn't buying this line of Malarky.

She bolted behind a force field and into her sanctum to summon demons. We gave chase. Lanto, eager to redeem himself, immediately shot her in the head. It did nothing. Not metaphorically. Zero damage. He fired again - zip. Somewhere, a spreadsheet cried.

Vegetable got dogpiled by demonettes. Argenta got stun-locked. Pascal took a walloping. Lazarus turned into an overcaffeinated scoreboard operator, rating everyone on their DPS. Yrliet did her usual bait-and-switch routine, firing weak shots to distract enemies before blowing them up in style. Eventually, the assistant summoner was down, the demonettes were mulch, and the Governor was a red smear beneath a pile of salvageable loot.

With chaos quelled (for now), food shipments resumed and we went off to explore space, where things were marginally less cursed. Until we found another derelict voidship. Vegetable insisted (aka would NOT shut up) we investigate, and since resistance is futile and also noisy, we went.

Inside was a chaos-mutant jamboree. Mutants that turned into other mutants that exploded into more mutants. It was a matryoshka doll of bad decisions. We fought our way through and found survivors trying to not mutate while being devoured. Turns out they were delivering a package to Lazarus when their captain peeked inside. Spoiler: it was a chaos trap.

We, being the generous souls we are, rescued the survivors. Including some half-mutated ones. It’s unclear if this was kindness or a long-term plan to acquire our own in-house chaos containment zoo.

Then came the ghost rumours. A whisper of Lazarus’ predecessor haunting the halls. The vox-master wanted to purge everyone. Lazarus, ever the optimist (and possibly still high from the Jacuzzi), let them live. Naturally, things went further sideways.

Idira vanished. More ghost sightings. We followed a spectral trail down to the bowels of the ship where Lazarus encountered the ghost of the previous Rogue Trader. After a witty exchange that bordered on flirty, we discovered the ghost was actually a demon masquerading as nostalgia. Idira had torn open reality with the power of emotional instability and vintage trauma.

Cue more demons. Cue Vegetable turning one big blue demon into two slightly less big blue demons by squashing it wrong. Cue Myles trying to keep the team alive while Argenta debated very hard whether or not to shoot Idira in the face.

In the end, the demons were banished, the crew stopped mutating (we think), and Idira was saved. A win for team dysfunction.

The true highlight? Yrliet cornering Lazarus to complain that the crew were flirting with her. Myles, under duress from Dave and Craig to "go for it," opted instead for diplomacy. Yrliet was disappointed. Craig and Dave were appalled. Myles lives to repress another day.