– In the Grimdark Future, Only Save Scumming Survives –
The continuing chronicle of Rogue Trader Lazarus and the Intergalactic Clown Car he calls a crew.
So. It’s 11:03 PM. Dave logs on late—glowing, content, and mildly suspicious from date night. “How’s it going?” he asks, with the cheerfulness of someone who wasn’t just murdered by a robot octopus.
How is it going?
Well, Dave, we got slaughtered. Then went shopping. But silver lining: we found the missing crew, hooray! Downside: they’d been flambéed by a multi-tentacled horror whose hobbies include turning skulls into yogurt. Fortunately, the Emperor invented save scumming, so we graciously rewound the timeline and declared it all a very vivid hypothetical.
Enter Team Lazarus: Take 2
Thus reassembled—two snipers, two meatshields, one Rogue Trader, and one guy who thinks plasma burns build character—we charged heroically toward the lair of Mr Tentacles. While Zaph and I explained the extreme hazards of melee combat with such a foe (e.g., becoming a fine red mist), Craig—our beloved vector of chaos—rushed in “for a better look.”
Craig’s definition of “look” involves poking with his face.
Combat began.
Sir Vegetable (Craig’s warrior persona) promptly took cover behind himself, declaring he couldn’t risk scratching his new black armor. A bold tanking strategy: self-preservation via mild sulking.
Pasqal (Dave’s tech-priest/tactical savant) mapped out the field with all the gravitas of a war-room general, strode forth to apply some sacred flesh-rending, and… whiffed. Thoroughly. We all blinked. He covered the moment by casually tapping the robot with an axe and lobbing a toxin dart at its metaphorical kidneys. Result: one angry dent.
Yriliet (Zaph’s “Xenos have no rights” sniper) called it a torture construct and promptly aerated it. Mr Tentacles, now thoroughly annoyed, spun up and blenderized Pasqal into deli meat.
Lanto (Zaph’s backup sniper) put another hole in the metal monstrosity, which prompted it to float over and turn Argenta (Dave’s other character) into extra chopped liver. We are now 50% less priestly.
Lazarus (me, obviously) took stock, declared Yriliet “Best Sniper in the Galaxy,” and ordered a follow-up shot. She obliged—Mr Tentacles was decommissioned with extreme prejudice. It’s not love. It’s tactical and hot.
Pasqal reassembled himself with whatever techno-witchcraft keeps him ticking, investigated the wreck, declared it a heresy against sacred cogwheel alignment, and vaporized it.
Back at the Opera House of Secrets and Inadvisable Deals™
We brought the assorted limbs of Mr Tentacles to Tervantias, the world’s sketchiest shopkeeper. While poking around his lab, we discovered his caged pet Space Marine, Ulfar, who had that “gladiator-for-hire” vibe and a deep loathing for small talk.
After what can only be described as advanced haggling, Lazarus secured Ulfar’s services in the arena. (Argenta, meanwhile, curled up for a post-evisceration nap.)
Gladiator Prep: Nothing Screams ‘Teamwork’ Like Height Disadvantage
Naturally, we decided to recon the enemy. A nastier collection of Dark Eldar you’ve never seen—led by Marazhai, a literal war criminal who once kidnapped and tortured us. Lazarus, leaning hard into diplomacy, fired up the Universal Translator to assert dominance.
“I am Rogue Trader Lazarus! Bow before me!”
What came out was: “Where is the toilet? My armor is rusty.”
Undeterred, Lazarus tried the ol’ “we have a common enemy” pitch. Marazhai almost bit, before strutting off to the arena with his murder kittens.
Let the Games Begin (and Immediately Go Off Script)
Round One: we were tossed into a match with 2 Sslyth (giant murder-snakes), 4 gladiators, and 2 snipers positioned on platforms. Snipers with elevation. Because of course.
Giant Ulfar couldn’t fit behind anything, but that didn’t stop him. Pasqal opened with a stun grenade that temporarily benched three gladiators. Ulfar roared into the gap, punched a snake, then mule-kicked a gladiator in the pancreas. This was the high point of Vegetable’s day.
Our snipers eliminated their snipers with practiced efficiency. Yriliet downed the snake attacking Ulfar, who shouted “thanks!” by immediately shooting a nearby gladiator and diving in to help Sir Vegetable, who was… underwhelming. The tankiest member of our crew now had a visible inferiority complex.
Still, we won. The crowd roared. Lazarus posed heroically. Vegetable flexed—briefly—before Ulfar’s shadow made it awkward.
Arena Round Two: When Your Arch-Nemesis Joins the Party
Plot twist! The champions were dropped into the ring—and one of them was Marazhai. Lazarus tried again to convince him to switch sides.
This time, it worked.
Yriliet stared daggers. Ulfar laughed, until he realized it wasn’t a joke. Marazhai slaughtered one of his allies, did a stylish acrobatic flip, and landed on our side. The crowd loved it. Lazarus gave a victory nod. Yriliet muttered something about “mistaken priorities.”
Pasqal charged into a cluster of three gladiators, cleaving indiscriminately and wondering aloud where Sir Vegetable had wandered off to.
Yriliet coolly executed the enemy team’s leader, Ablas.
Now it was Vegetable’s time to shine. Lazarus pointed dramatically. “Vegetable, be a hero!”
Vegetable charged… missed… and slammed the ground with all the majesty of a toddler in a bouncy castle. He hit nothing. Nada. The hammer had fallen, but not in any impactful way.
To his credit, he did eventually take out one champion. Pasqal mopped up the leftovers with the exasperation of a man covering for a younger sibling who forgot their pants to school again.
The Aftermath: We Win! (No, We Don’t.)
The crowd was rapturous. Our enemies were paste. But then the judge stood, peered into the pit, and declared:
“Technical foul. You lose.”
Apparently recruiting your torturer mid-fight violates some obscure arena etiquette. Shopping privileges were threatened. Lazarus sighed. Yriliet glared. Ulfar considered switching back.
Next Time, on
Warped Expectations:
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Will Yriliet and Lazarus ever rekindle their now-burned bridge of romance?
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Can Sir Vegetable overcome his crippling case of Astartesphobia?
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Will Pasqal ever miss again? (Unlikely.)
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Will the Judge revoke our punch card discount at Space Costco?
Find out in the next thrilling installment. Provided Craig doesn’t accidentally trigger the boss fight again.
Chip leader on the damage scoreboard
