Ambushed by Aeldari – Wulfar Saves the Day (and the Party, and the Sector)

 

It began with Lazarus trying to impose some kind of logistical sanity. “It’s just a little camping trip,” he told Sister Argenta, confiscating an ammo case and chucking it aside like an overpacked tourist’s hair straightener. Argenta’s glare could have cut ceramite. Indira, meanwhile, was pleading to join the outing like a teenager begging to go to Coachella. “Please, please, please take me with you! I know my door is down there somewhere!” she cried, waving vaguely at the planet below like she was calling bingo numbers.

Lazarus, ever the paragon of command efficiency, folded like wet cardboard. “Fine – you’re on the shuttle. Argenta, go bake cookies or something.” Had her eyes had lascannons, he’d be a puddle on the floor.

Maze of Misfortune

The mission was simple: find the missing Winterscale. Thirty days out. Presumed dead. What could go wrong?

Well. For one, no one mentioned the planet was a labyrinth clearly designed by an Aeldari interior decorator with a flair for sadism. Following the sacred doctrine of “always go left,” we naturally bumbled into a sniper-heavy Aeldari party. Six Rangers. Two of ours. Zaph’s math-face turned pale.

Yriliet nobly fired first, injuring one. Cue guardians charging. Cue three Rangers entering Counter-Sniper mode and Yriliet getting removed from combat like a misbehaving file. Lanto was wounded. The snipers’ union had clearly voted for “No Mercy Mondays.”

Then Indira acted. Or… attempted to. Psychic lightning did strike three guardians. Unfortunately, it also summoned a blue horror. Right next to Lanto. Because obviously what this situation needed was a daemonic lawn gnome with murder in its eyes.

Sir Vegetable, not to be outdone by Ulfar’s historical murder sprees, thunder-hammered all three guardians. They politely declined to die.

Lanto ran for cover—straight into the horror, who promptly cut him down. It was now 4 vs 9. Things were going great, assuming your goal was to fail spectacularly.

Cue the Ulfar

Lazarus lobbed a grenade and vaporised three guardians menacing Veg. Then three Rangers returned fire, instantly downing Lazarus and Indira. 2 vs 6. Time for the Ulfar Show™.

Ulfar sprinted, kicked a Ranger to the ground, and shot another. Two Rangers fired back. One hit a guardian instead (friendly fire, classic elf mistake). Sir Veg was downed. One vs four.

Ulfar then casually:

• Shot the blue horror.

• Strangled a Ranger to death.

• Got shot again. Shouted, “Puny elf!”

• Sliced, kicked, and shot another Ranger.

• Found the final Ranger hiding behind a pillar.

• Lobbed a grenade to flush him out.

• Punched him mid-evade.

• Ripped his arm off and used it like a cricket bat.

The rest of us stirred groggily, badly wounded. Lanto had so many broken bits he was basically a maraca. We looted the corpses. Obviously.

Winterscale: The Shadiest Sidekick

Eventually, we found a village chief who offered soup and a side quest: find his sister the Shaman. Of course, she was with Winterscale, who’d been off playing Warhammer IRL. His party looked half-dead. Winterscale and his bestie were perfectly healthy. Suspicious? Obviously. Did we care? Less than you’d think.

We convinced them to return with us to the village. Lazarus, in his best Boy Scout voice, promised “just a short trip.” Three days of forest-maze meandering later, we arrived.

Shaman did her calming-forest-magic bit. Lazarus talked Winterscale into leaving most of his party behind to rest. We set off with just him and his #1 Fan to chase Aeldari.

Yriliet’s Family Reunion (with Flamethrowers)

Found an armoury. Lanto got a new gun. He drooled. Mostly because he could barely lift it. Then we met the Aeldari — Yriliet’s long-lost kin. Surprise! They’d been carpet-bombing the planet to flush out a hidden Humunculus. Also with them? Our Harlequin friend, who has the unsettling habit of popping up like Pennywise mid-monologue.

Turns out, the Aeldari had called another Craftworld to nuke the sector. Lazarus asked Yriliet for advice (a clear cry for help). She managed to talk her kin down and performed a solo psychic rite to negotiate with the Craftworld.

It worked. The Craftworld agreed to pick them up — and not start a galactic war. Ten points to Ravenclaw.

Burn Baby Burn

Back to the ship. Time for some good ol’ space admin. Projects completed. Trade contacts upgraded. Ship upgrades bought. Loot sorted. Excellent. Time to hunt the Humunculus.

We benched Lanto (too injured to hold a teacup), and brought Argenta instead. Lazarus only realised she’d brought a heavy flamer as the shuttle descended.

Sir Veg and Ulfar, naturally, were on point. Naturally, they triggered combat by existing. This time, however, we executed a Zen-like fallback to a choke point.

Lazarus, deadpan: “Argenta, set the world on fire.”

Argenta: “Burn baby burn!” She hosed the corridor. Nothing burned. Shrugged. Tossed a grenade. Corridor now on fire. Ulfar joined in with Melta-BBQ. Corridor: inferno. Lemmings (i.e., enemies): dead.

Then the Alpha Grotesque floated in like an Uber Eats delivery from Hell.

• Yriliet: chants, shoots, 280 damage. (New record.)

• Ulfar: melta, bolter, makes goo.

• Idira: something dramatic we forgot to write down.

• Yriliet again: before her turn starts — shoots, 252 damage. Alpha’s dead.

Beta Grotesque? Practically a mop-up job. Even Sir Veg landed a hit before Ulfar did his patented Slash-Slash-Shoot-Slash-Kick™ finisher.

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Next Week:

Will we trap the Humunculus in its lair? Will Indira finally do something memorable? Will Craig accidentally become planetary governor again? Stay tuned.

Same warp-time. Same warp-channel.

Ulfgar and His Trusty Sidekick Yriliet Save the Day

If you recall from last episode, we had just kicked off the final battle in the Dark Reach Spire — facing off against Yremeryss, four Grotesques, and a small battalion of Incubi. Unfortunately, Lazarus and Sir Veg had already been on the receiving end of a solid pummelling and were now looking distinctly half-alive.

Lazarus, surveying the field, bellowed at Veg: “SLAM the three Incubi near you!” Veg complied with his usual thunderous flair, but — to everyone’s dismay — the Incubi simply shrugged it off and remained standing.

“DID YOU FORGET TO CHARGE YOUR HAMMER?” Lazarus roared over the din of battle.

Meanwhile, Ulfgar (Ulfar to his mates) kicked a Grotesque aside and sprinted across the chamber to assist the beleaguered Rogue Trader.

Sir Veg wound up for another mighty hammer strike and slammed it down again — yet still, those three stubborn Incubi stood firm.

Pasqal, thinking tactically, shoved one Incubus off its feet and, noticing that several were now neatly lined up, whipped out his meltagun and served them a toasty blast. They remained charred… but annoyingly alive.

Yriliet — our trusty sniper — calmly shot and felled a Grotesque, leaving just one lumbering monstrosity in the room (with two more ominously ascending the rear staircase). Pausing only to wipe sweat from her brow, she lined up another shot — this time at Yremeryss, who didn’t so much as flinch.

Then things got interesting. Two small Dark Eldar craft docked on either side of the spire chamber, unloading three more Incubi and a sniper apiece. It was now 6 of us versus 18 of them — and the bases were well and truly loaded.

Lanto, our second sniper, coolly lobbed a grenade into the cluster on the left, dispatching three instantly, and followed up with a clean sniper shot to finish their marksman.

Meanwhile, Yremeryss took the opportunity to deliver yet another savage whipping to Lazarus.

Ulfgar darted to the right flank, cleaving two newcomers with his chainsword. Sir Veg, gathering himself, finally managed to splatter an Incubus sneaking past him.

Then Yriliet — star of the night — executed an Incubus, eliminated a sniper, finished off two wounded Incubi, and patched up Lazarus. The tide was beginning to turn. It was now 6 vs. 8 and — for the first time — we thought: we might just survive this after all.

Lazarus, battle-weary and fed up with playing the designated punching bag, shouted: “Everyone, SHOOT Yremeryss!”

We did — though both snipers were frustratingly caught mid-reload.

An Incubus charged Ulfgar, but he simply booted it to the floor and nonchalantly shot it in the head.

Lanto took aim at the wounded Yremeryss, only to have Sir Veg accidentally nudge his elbow as the shot fired — causing the bolt to miss. Veg thought this was absolutely hilarious and rolled about on the floor laughing.

Yremeryss, on the other hand, did not find this funny. She promptly sliced Lazarus mid-speech and nearly finished off Lanto. Suddenly: 5 vs. 8. To make things worse, two turrets sprang from the floor — and Yremeryss, after draining Lazarus’s life force, was back at full strength.

Sir Veg, fuelled by turret-hate, charged across the room to tackle one of them, while the other turret coldly gunned down Lanto.

Pasqal attempted to seize command of the field — but alas, his tactical brilliance had seemingly leaked out somewhere amidst the chaos.

Yremeryss now advanced on Yriliet, unloading shots at Ulfgar, who twisted and dodged in a flurry of acrobatics. Yriliet seized the moment — each time Yremeryss fired, she countered with precise sword strikes, cutting deep.

Ulfgar rushed forward to shield Yriliet, booted Yremeryss away, knocked her prone, and then leapt between her and the advancing Grotesques, unloading his bolter at point blank.

Just then, two more Dark Eldar craft arrived, disgorging eight fresh enemies. One group immediately swarmed Pasqal and took him out — reducing us to three vs. eleven, with the home team now having the clear upper hand.

But Yriliet, ever the sniper queen, fired — gravely wounding Yremeryss.

Ulfgar followed up: he killed Yremeryss, dispatched a Grotesque, and booted another down the staircase.

An Incubus rushed in and downed Yriliet, leaving just Ulfgar and Sir Veg standing — two vs. nine — in what had become our hardest fight yet.

Veg, undeterred, flung himself into the nearest wave of newcomers, hammering wildly with berserker zeal — Incubus after Incubus fell beneath his blows.

Between them, Ulfgar and Veg wiped out the rest.

Bruised and battered, we patched ourselves up and looted absolutely everything not nailed down — just in time for Harly to arrive and open a portal out.

MVP of the night? A dead tie between Yriliet (new personal best for damage dealt) and Ulfgar, with honourable mention to Sir Vegetable.

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Aftermath

Safely escaped, we cashed in our hard-won XP to unlock new Archetypes. News of the realm was grim — the Dark Eldar were overrunning our worlds — so we checked in on planetary projects, returned to the ship, and were instantly mobbed by every NPC wanting an audience with Lazarus. All he wanted to do was shop.

There was an awkward moment when the crew attempted to have Yriliet executed for allegedly leading us into a trap. Lazarus refused even to hear it.

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A Little Light Respite — and More Shenanigans

We set out for a “welcome back cruise” — partly to shake off the battle and partly to see what our rival Rogue Traders had been up to.

Mid-flight: Marazhai snapped, murdered some of the crew, and got us into a nasty scrap with warp-spawned demonettes. Yriliet almost talked Marazhai down — but inevitably, it ended in blood. We dispatched the demonettes, and Lazarus, not one for sentiment, executed Marazhai on the spot for kidnapping and torture.

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The Next Mission

We’ve now arrived in a decrepit system where the rival Rogue Trader has been missing planetside for 30 days. Their fleet wants us to go in and rescue them. What could possibly go wrong?